Undercover Blogger

And Undercover Blogger Thanksgiving

2010-11-28T06:27:00.000-08:00

A few days late...
This year I'm giving thanks for so many things (family, husband, friends, food, a house, clothing, running water, my good looks), but this year I am especially grateful for my puppies.

Why?

They get me out of doing so many things... Oh! I need to be there at 5:30? Sorry, I can't! The dogs have to eat! 8:30? Oh... the dogs have to poop! Breakfast? ABSOLUTELY NOT! The dogs need to eat AND poop! Bliss, truly bliss. Excuse after excuse to stay home.

Weight loss- if I did not walk those crazy creatures, they would be even crazier! This is a plus for me as I get some extra exercise!

My house is a disaster. Why is this a good thing? It's taught me that no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever be perfect (or even close!). This is a lesson I'm glad to have learned at 26 instead of 45. When you learn it in your 40s, your whole life crumbles, and then you're depressed for the rest of your life.

Also, the doggies make me laugh ALL THE TIME! Even when they are bad... they make me laugh!

I've toughened up a bit... a little bite here, a few bruises there...

CHAOS. I realized that it will be a few years before I can just sit on my couch for more than a minute or two. If I want to read a book, I have to sit at the table. A movie is out of the question. A tv show may be viewed when I go to bed. Although this is a little tiring, it keeps me moving, moving, moving!

Anther fun thing about dogs is that they desensitize you to all things gross. Have I been snuggled with my Ollie boy when a little diarrhea slips out and onto me? Yes. Has Millie barfed all over my house? Of course. Have they brought in a dead squirrel that I had to bury in an empty beer case? ABSOLUTELY! But you know what? These things are humorous when I look back...

So this year I am giving thanks for a heart exploding with LOVE, a year full of LAUGHTER, and HAPPINESS beyond comparison!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!
UB

People Need to CHILLAX

2010-10-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

So I've noticed a recurring trend- people are TOO UPTIGHT.

While I'm a rules kind of girl (I have to eat 100% of my daily fiber and I don't do drugs, yeah those are kind of my only rules.. oh and I think all people should wear seasonally appropriate attire (i.e. no flip flops in December, even if it's hot out), I still think people should just take a chill pill...

Examples...

- If your dog eats your shoes (happened this morning) say "NO PSYCHO DOG! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE J.CREW FLATS! YOUR DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME WHEN I TELL HIM I NOT ONLY MUST REPLACE THEM, BUT THAT I ALSO HAVE TO PAY FOR OVERNIGHT SHIPPING BECAUSE I CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT THEM AND I'VE ALREADY SPENT A BLOODY FORTUNE ON CLOTHES LATELY!" THEN go to your computer and shop. Because you know what? They are shoes. Shoes... replaceable...

- Let your freakin kids eat candy... let them stay up late... the only RULE should be to just be nice and respectful of others. If you are too uptight with your kids, they grow up to hate you, then they move away, then you die alone in a bottom of the line nursing home and your kids never come to visit. And you kind of deserve it.

- Wear pajamas all day. Skip your workout every now and then to get a CHEESEBURGER. Spend your money on things you like... your savings only comes in handy when those children put you in the home...

- Splurge on something you LOVE- this would be bumble and bumble shampoo and conditioner for me. Something about washing my hair with shampoo that costs more than most people spend on a new purse makes me happy.

- Go to Whole Foods every now and again to get a non-dinner dinner... wine, cheese, olives, and a baguette. Savor every bite.

- Let the dogs on the furniture. "DOG HAIR, OMG! OMG! I HATE DOG HAIR!" Quit whining, people. Why did you get dogs? Get a dog figurine if you don't want to cuddle. Again... if you die with perfect furniture... what the heck does it matter? It's furniture.

I could go on and on and on, but it's time to go sit on my deck in my pajamas.

XOXO
UB

Monday...

2010-09-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Everyone looking forward to Gossip Girl tonight? Blair and Serena- my idols. WOOHOO.

ARG!

2010-09-08T11:06:00.001-07:00

Fans-
If you ever see me eating something and it looks like I'm enjoying it, HIT ME! TAKE MY PLATE FROM ME! THROW IT AWAY!

We had a lunch party at work today... Golden Rule... I ate less than a half cup of chicken, two teaspoons of sauce, 1/4 cup of vinegar based slaw, three tablespoons of macaroni and cheese, and three tablespoons of beans. Dessert was this ice cream thing a man's wife makes. That small amount of food was DOUBLE the amount of weight watchers points I'm allowed in a day. SOOOOO that means lettuce for the next few days. I know I gained all my weight back that I had lost.

I have to get control over myself.

This is my diet for the next week- only salads, yogurt, and fiber one cereal and/or bars.

I want to cry. Food is the only thing that makes me happy. Don't feed me any of that "friends make you happy" or "GO TO A PARK!" or "have a long conversation with your husband" crap. Everyone knows those things SUCK compared to a slice of pizza or a blizzard.

Warning, fans... there isn't a single one of you who I wouldn't gladly trade in for just a taste of pepperoni. Remember that. Consider yourself lucky if I even acknowledge your existance.

In the mood to make someone CRY,
UB

Friday Night Alone

2010-09-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

Stupid stupid allergies have left me pretty miserable for the majority of the past couple of days... blablabla, I'm home alone because I do not like being around people when I am sick, blabla, husband went to dinner with a friend.

So... I take some medicine to make me feel better... I still do not feel great, but I have ENERGY. I mean ENERGY. Thank GOD.

But anyway, all that just brings me to my story...

I cleaned and cleaned all night and had yet to use all my weight watchers points for the day (I'm getting rather good at saving them for a couple of vodkas at the end of the night), so I decided to make a piece of light toast and herbal tea... I let the dogs out... then something came FLYING into the house. I cannot be responsible for the words that came out of my mouth, for this was not an insect I was used to seeing. It was a praying mantis.

Well, I thought I could be brave and save it, but when I walked up to catch it, IT TURNED IT'S FREAKING HEAD. RIGHT AT ME! It FREAKING LOOKED AT ME.

"Oh, NO! OH NO!" I screamed as I ran for my Dyson. The love of my life. I kept thinking "Save the bug, don't be a weenie. SAVE THE BUG." But you all know what I did... I SUCKED IT INTO THE DYSON.

Then my anxiety kicked in and I FREAKED and was sure that stupid bug was going to escape and fly around and make this the worst night of my life (mountains of puke and turds stuck to dog beds did not help things either). So I just had to vacuum. The whole house. That way the bug would have to die. Right? Right? I don't know!

After researching the praying mantis, I've come to find that it is indeed evil and deserves to die. So I've done the world a favor...

You're welcome,
UB

My BOY!

2010-08-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

My sweet, sweet, sweet boy. Darling Oliver. I love him so...But I don't think he likes children. We were in doggy class yesterday, and this STUPID little BRAT child was distracting my angel. He was just trying to learn, and she was walking around, being a little idiot. Plus she wasn't particularly cute. So you know what? He let her have it. He barked a bark I've never heard before... ANGRY! LOUD! She jumped and almost cried. And I did not scold him. SHE GOT WHAT WAS COMING.

Why would you take your children to doggy school? One couple brings their baby, and she behaves perfectly well. She watches her gorgeous dogs obey their father. She giggles and is sweet. Sometimes the trainer will have her walk around to distract the dogs, but they all like her. Because she's cute. But bring out the dumb (and my dumb I mean uggo, whiny) children, and the dogs go crazy. What does this say? Oh yes, pretty people win, again.

So maybe I'm awful, but you know I'm right. The facts are the facts.

XOXO-
UB

OH! P.S. I've switched back to black coffee. If gin makes me swoon, I can drink black coffee to be skinny. AND BE SKINNY I WILL!

I finally got what was coming...

2010-08-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

Fans,

All my life I have been the skinny girl. The girl who never had to worry about her weight (cellulite, maybe, but not weight). In fact, whenever I would see 110 on the scale, I would diet until I got back to 105 or so. I'm not telling you guys this to make you jealous. It was simply who I WAS. The lucky little girl...

UNTIL THIS YEAR! 15 pounds just snuck their way onto my petite frame. I was SHOCKED. I am not a girl who weighs 120 pounds. I do NOT wear a size four. These things cannot happen to ME! But alas, fans, my metabolism has slowed...

So I think "I'll lose this weight quickly! I've never had to try before! I'll just workout every single day! No biggie." I did. And I have yet to lose a pound.

FRIDAY comes... the yearly doctor's visit... the doctor, in the kindest way possible, told ME- ME! that I needed to lose weight. Panic. Shock. Devastation. I think to myself "It's okay, you're smaller than 90% of the world's population, calm down." Dr. S then said, "let's check those thyroid levels, this is concerning." WHAT?!?!?! I'm pretty sure he just did this to make me feel better about gaining, so I went out into the little area where they do all the blood work (I just know everyone in that area thought I must be testing for STDs or something, so I explain to them all that it's a thyroid thing...I probably made myself look really dumb, but you all know how I worry).

So fans, here I go. I'm giving up all that is good and pure in my life- bread as a side, WINE, and fried foods. Just until October 15th. A girl can't make it through a long, temperate winter without her pinot...

If this can happen to me, fans, it can certainly happen to you. Quickly, before you have this experience at the doctor, give up everything that makes you happy. DENY, DENY, DENY yourselves the small pleasures in life (large blizzards, rolls, and booze). It's so much better than having a room full of women looking at you and thinking you have VD.

Becoming more miserable by the day,
UB

Things I Hate

2010-06-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

Now I am in a pretty good mood today, but I've had complaints lately that I've been too positive. Just want to make sure you all know I am the same blogger I've always been.

SOOO... here are things I hate!

1. Baby pictures where people put pearls and tutus and gay stuff on their babies. It's just dumb.

2. The heat of summer. It's too much for this delicate flower.

3. Poor people (me included). It's so dull to have to pinch pennies and be frugal. A real drag.

4. When Millie and Oliver throw up. It makes me sad =(

5. Olives. SICK. SICK. SICK!

6. People who hate onions. I know that 90% of my friends hate onions, and I forgive them. But only because they are pretty.

7. Chocolate chip cookies. JUST KIDDING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

8. Headaches. I had one for a week. It finally went away.

9. The way dishwashers always kick up that weird crumby stuff into the glasses on top. So if you're like ME, you always leave them in and never have clean glasses to use so you wind up using crystal then hand washing it. Which really makes no sense.

10. The way cheese and nitrates and nitrites are bad for you.

So there. Things I totally hate.

Outtie-
UB

LOOK! PUPPIES!

2010-06-02T13:58:00.001-07:00

LOOK! It's OLIVER! He's my Ollie boy! Little Oliver is SOOOO sweet. He says "I'm a well behaved boy! I'm fat and wrinkly and WONDERFUL! I can run REAL fast!"

AND LOOK! It's MILLIE! Millie bear! My wittle baby gurl! AWWW! She says "I cuddle and snuggle and LOVE! I am bad to the bone, but you can't resist my HUGE ears! I LOVE you forEVER!"

Look! Oliver's arm wrinkles! Aren't they CUTE!?!?!

AND LOOK! Millie's always ready for some love and attention! Isn't she PRECIOUS?!?!?!

Basically, if you are looking for some WILD fun, come over to my house. These critters are CRAZY! They are insane and sweet and PERFECT! I love to pet them and kiss them and cuddle them. I look at their fur and I say "OH, PUPPIES! I love you puppies! You're PRETTY PUPPIES!" And my life is good and happy.

Dogs forever,

-UB

Millie and Oliver

2010-05-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

So finally a post dedicated to puppies. There is not much to say... they are perfect.
They are cuddly.
They are bad.
They cover the house and yard with squishy poop.
They like to play... show their teeth... squeeze into places they will be too big for in a couple of weeks...
THEY LOVE TO RUN AND RUN AND RUN!
They love other dogs! BIG DOGS, SMALL DOGS, MEDIUM SIZED DOGS...
They wake me up really early. Which is convenient because I love to pet them and kiss them and play with them. We get up and play outside.

OH... THE BEST THING ABOUT MY PUPPIES...

THEY HAVE FLOPPY FLOPPY EARS!

I never remember to take pictures with my real camera, so here are a few from my phone...
or not... I would have to email them to myself, then save them, then upload them. That's a lot of trouble. BUT THEY ARE REALLY CUTE!

Stupid Earth

2010-03-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

STUPID WATER BOTTLES WITH LESS PLASTIC! I CAN'T OPEN THEM WITHOUT WATER SPILLING EVERYWHERE AND MAKING ME COLD! I LOVED THE EARTH UNTIL PEOPLE WANTED TO SAVE IT BY USING LESS PLASTIC.

Now, I will move to Mars where I belong. WITH THE MARTIANS!

XOXO
UB

Not Feeling It

2010-03-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

I wish I could go home right now and take a nap. Then I would like to eat a delicious lunch. THEN I would like an afternoon cocktail. THEN I would read and take a second nap.

I wish I would find a million dollars on the ground so I could make that my daily routine!

Life is unfair,
UB

Arguing

2010-03-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

I love arguing. Do I care if I'm right or wrong? No.

And here is a story for you, fans.

Back in the 4th grade, I decided to throw the science experiment we were all required to do. We were supposed to put chicken bones in vinegar, and a few days later we would see that the bones were extra bendy. I didn't want bendy bones, so I decided to put the bones in vinegar the day before the project was due instead of a week before, just so I could say it didn't work. The teacher was baffled. What an idiot. A 4th grader outsmarted a 30 year old. Dimwit.

Let's figure this out, fans. Why do I like to argue? Because it's fun. Because it gets my blood pumping. BECAUSE IT MAKES PEOPLE TURN RED! But I like it most when people argue back.

But what I like most most in this world fans- the Zaxby's grilled cheese basket that L so lovingly introduced me too. Nothing is better than that freaking basket.

-UB

Saving the WORLD

2010-03-24T14:21:00.001-07:00

So there is a girl at work fans, and she wants to save the world. Noble indeed. Lofty, but noble.

It had me thinking- what can I do to make an impact on the world? As we all know, I do not enjoy leaving the comfort of my own home- volunteering is kind of out for me. But not really. You just start by asking yourself what it is you love. And what do I love? Food. But HELLZ no way am I serving food at a homeless people shelter. You all know how I am about smells (the hospital like food and people who don't shower every morning).

Here are my ideas so far-
Get a little brother or sister or however that works and teach him/her how to cook. BUT I'm not too fond of children.

Host a bake sale for kids with cancer (kids with cancer really upset me- and that takes a lot these days for reasons I shall not write about)- YUM, but people are cheap and won't buy stuff, but maybe they would.

Anyway, that's not a lot of ideas, but it's something for the 5 minutes of thinking I've done.

Maybe this coworker of mine can change the world by inspiring others to change the world.

But chances are I'll choose to sit on my couch and give my money to a charity instead. They can do with it what they please. And I can just eat a lot of food.

If anyone has a great idea involving food and non-stinky people, LET ME KNOW!

All my love fans,
UB

A Post Without the Word Douche- Just for L!

2010-03-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am still on my quest to get an iphone. It's an annoying quest. I tried going to the At&t store the other day and talking to this guy from high school. He pretended not to remember me, but I know he did. I mean...come on...LOOK AT ME! And in high school I was tanner and cuter. Now I'm being ravaged by age. Wrinkles are forming, fans.

Anyway, that brings me to my post- the 10% tax in this health care law for tanning. I don't think this is right. If we tax tanning beds, why shouldn't we just tax God for creating the sun? I could just as easily bake in the sun all day with baby oil. Or we could tax people for using hair dye- they say the dark colors cause cancer. Or grills- charred meat has carcinogens. Liquid smoke that you add to your foods too. Next, someone will suggest we get a tax credit for eating pomegranates and blueberries. And dark chocolate, but not milk chocolate because the health benefits of dark chocolate are good/milk chocolate bad. I would throw them for a loop and introduce a swirly combo of milk and dark chocolate. Would that even it out and be tax neutral under this supposed plan I've created? This does get very complicated and involved, so perhaps we would create more jobs. People who analyze every product on the market (I'm stating these things mostly to annoy sweet JH)...

On to my next point... WHY IS AT&T SO STUPID? THEY ARE. I want to upgrade my service to a more expensive phone with a more expensive plan, yet they refuse to let me. WHY? I'm already the last person on EARTH to have a cool phone. Why must I suffer like this?

My life is full of suffering, fans.

First, I can't get an iphone. Second, I have a breakout around my mouth. What if people think I have mouth herpes?

LIFE IS UNFAIR, yet again. At least I found really cute shoes in my size (never happens) at Macy's this weekend. SEXXIII.

XOXO-
UB

Thoughts

2010-03-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really just do NOT care for people, fans.

I've always loved Hebrews 13:2 "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."

I much prefer to keep people at that level though, because frequently people just suck. They do little things to annoy the heck out of me. Once someone rubs me the wrong way, they will never be on my good side again. Be warned. I'm mean if I need to be mean.

So be nice to a stranger today. And don't try to make friends. Just do nice things. It's fun to be nice to strangers. I remember once my mom was in a store, and the lady checking her out liked her bracelet, so my mom just took it off and gave it to her! I'm not usually that nice, but people enjoy it when you treat them as though they exist. However, if a person is obviously a douche, just ignore them.

Those are my tips for this Tuesday, the Sixteenth of March in the Two Thousand and Tenth Year of Our Lord.

XOXO!

UB

Heart Ball- The Aftermath and Other Current UB Events

2010-03-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

Fans,

You should have seen me at the ball. I am not exaggerating. I was definitely one of the most attractive people there. Thanks mostly in part to L for finding my dress and my mommy for altering it! And my good genes (besides my under eye circles). I have no pictures though. You do not take pictures at a formal event unless you want to look like a douche with no life.

Anyway, my next crazy wild event is tonight. My huzb is outtie again, so I get to catch up on Gossip Girl and take loads of over the counter sleeping pills (like 2, I don't want anyone to worry). Should be a good night.

THEN! I have no more events for a long time. Unless I have some next week. WHEW! Life is good.

Have a great day fans!
UB

It's a BOY!

2010-03-03T12:36:00.000-08:00

For A, that is! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!! Now I will have good practice with a girl AND a boy before I have a baby myself!

I had already planned A's entire nursery around the fact that she would have a boy. So whew. This little guy better have dark hair! I think A wants white hair like her hubby's was, but guys... seriously... if you had ever seen the picture of A's niece... you would hope too that he had the black crazy hair! So cute! The baby will definitely have chubby cheeks. AND he will like to mountain bike and hike! AND he'll be tall! I just know he'll be tall. How hilarious would it be if he was taller than M?!?!?!?!?! Impossible. I bet he's born 50 inches long.

Anyway! WOOHOO!

XOXO,
UB

My Favorite FOODS THIS Week...

2010-02-22T11:56:00.000-08:00

If you have met me, you know I believe strongly that food is the greatest thing in the world- it's why we exist...just to eat our next meal or snack!!!!

Also, if you're very close to me, you know I go through stages/obsessions- songs, colors, bloggers, and most of all food. I can looooove a food one week, and hate it the next. This has always frustrated my poor mother, and more recently, my poor husband!

Here is an up to date list of all the foods I'm loving this week!

1. Yoplait Light Apricot Mango Yogurt. This is so good I wanted to lick the little cup. I refrained, but I was tempted.

2. Cheerios- Plain or HONEY NUT! It makes you want to cry when you eat your last spoonful in the morning.

3. CHIPOTLE/MOE'S/QDOBA- Can anyone say "MONSTER BURRITO"? I can. And I did. And I do. I love beans, rice, sour cream, cheese, and meat all rolled up in a oddly rubbery tortilla. DELISH.

4. Bananas! They are so banana-y! I love them. My mom used to slice them over my cereal. That's an extra special treat.

5. Andes Mints- the only mint/chocolate combo that I think is divine. DIVINE I SAY!

6. Kit Kat Bars! Wafery, chocolatey goodness! These rock my footless tube socks off...

7. Jim 'N Nicks- We must eat there 3 times a week. I like those little muffin things! I like those bbq taters! BOY OH BOY I LOVE THOSE TATERS!!!!

8. Fish- any kind, please. With squirts of delicious lemon! MMMMMHHHHMMM.

9. Zantac 150- A must after consuming a monster burrito followed by a Kit Kat!!!

10. Broccoli. Don't you wish you could eat broccoli every day? I surely do. I've always loved broccoli. Garlic and butter make it oh so delectable!

AND MY NUMBER ONE, MOST FAVORITE FOOD, FOR NOW, FOREVER, FOR ALWAYS:

MEATBALLS! YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you see, food is my passion. Eating, actually, is my passion. I wish we ate foods all day, every day. It often times frightens me that I eat more than my preggo friends, my husband, and my brother... COMBINED! Just kidding.

And you know what is odd, fans? I can eat anything, at any time of the day. Give me a plate of pasta with meatballs at 9 in the morning, and I'm as happy as a clam!

5 hours until I eat again,

Credit Cards- A Necessary Evil

2010-02-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

I know a bunch of you freaks are going to go all Dave Ramsey on me- I know credit cards are dangerous... I know that it's easy to spend too much.

But fans... what's a girl to do when she needs things and her husband doesn't approve? Respect his wishes? I think not! She orders them on her credit card! I just ordered a pair of 4 inch satin evening shoes. I could have gone with the option I truly desired from J.Crew, but those were like $225 or something. These babies were only $70. But still. He would say my last pair of evening shoes that I only wore once would suffice. But dear friends, they wouldn't. THEY WOULDN'T!

Also, a few of you will begin to notice my skin changing color. Going from the color "clear" to "less clear, still ghostly." I bought a tanning package. ONLY TO USE THROUGH THE MONTH OF MARCH (the girl was pretty persuasive and talked me into buying some delish smelling lotion as well). Do you think my husband would approve of this? No. So what did I do? I DID IT ANYWAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. On my credit card of course... Actually, the thought of me looking less like I've been cooped up in the hospital for 3 years and more like I went outside once or twice would probably convince him of the necessity of this purchase. Whatevs.

I'll look hot. Or like really conservative and lame.

Have we discussed my opinions on the spaghetti strap, the strapless, and the low cut dress? I do NOT approve. You don't want people staring at you adjusting yourself and hunching over all night. So my opinion is always wear what is comfortable. This is why I always wonder if I look like a lez probably.

XOXO,
UB

DISCLAIMER- I AM FRUGAL/CHEAP AT ALL TIMES. THE HUSBAND BUYS WHATEVER HIS HEART DESIRES, SO DON'T CONCERN YOURSELF WITH HIM. And he'll be happy when I look hottt.

Later peeps.

Jealousy

2010-02-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

Fans,

I've grown quite accustomed to people being jealous of me. My looks, my wit, my charming personality... it's too much for most people to be around.

But this time... it is I who am jealous.

Of my husband!

His upcoming trip to Switzerland has me in a fit. All new ski clothes... a stop in London... fabulous meals... it's just too much!

I'll make him sorry he ever agreed to go on this trip (required to keep his job). I will buy whatever I want, eat whatever I want (falafel, pasta, soup), and watch whatever I want on t.v. (or go to bed at 7 and read and wear fleece).

This sucks. I WANNA GO.

I WANNA GO I WANNA GO I WANNA GO I WANNA GO.

But, when you think about it, I hate being cold. So maybe it's for the best that I'm stuck here. IN ALABAMA. WHILE MY HUSBAND TRAVELS THE GLOBE. PROBABLY IN FIRST CLASS. I ALWAYS FLY COACH.

WHEN WILL THE INJUSTICE END??????

I pray for the forgiveness of my iniquities- jealousy and MAXING OUT MY CREDIT CARD DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF MARCH! TAKE THAT, HUSBAND. HOPE YOU ENJOY THE COOOOOLLLLDDD.

XOXO,
UB

V Day

2010-02-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Hello fans,

Guess what we did last night? We drank a bottle of champagne and watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia for like 3 hours! It was great! Fantastic! Perfect!

Next week is my husband's birthday. He says he no longer wants to recognize his birthday because he feels old. No doubt that is because he's married to me (I fall asleep no later than 8 on the couch- I'm never up for fun). Anyway, I would like to recognize his birthday so I can have a nice dinner! Where should we go? The only thing that cheers him up is a prime rib... up to 64 oz... wish I was joking...

THEN- this weekend is way too busy. The G's will be in town Friday and Saturday, Stepsing is Saturday night, then L's shower is Sunday along with the celebration of my husband's birthday! I think all of those things are enjoyable, but I'm used to having at least one day a week with no human interaction. Don't you ever grow tired of listening (given, listening is not one of my best skills)... but pretending to listen is difficult as well. I've learned that you can use the time when you should be listening to plan out your meals, push back your cuticles, or create a task list for the remainder of your day. Or you can just stare at the person talking and judge them. I would say 9 times out of 10 that's what I'm doing.

Happy Monday!
UB

Things I Like

2010-02-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

1. Tattoo Shirts- I actually find these douche baggish (pardon my french, Mommy and Ol' Al), but they make me laugh and chuckle. Bonus points (as in, you're even dorkier) if this type of shirt has a short sleeve.

2. McManis Cabernet- I've mentioned this before, but I love my McManis.

3. Eating lots of dessert. YUM.

4. Boots- not the shoe, but the cat. My neighbor's cat. He was missing for a week, and I was so sad. Now he is back, and I am glad. This is not him. This kitty just sort of looks like Boots. Aren't kitties with pink noses SWEET? Mr. Kitty also has a pink nose!

5. Pajamas. I wish that you wore pajamas to work.

6. Tube socks. They keep my legs warm. I cut the feet off tube socks and wear them under my pants to work. Don't tell. It's cozy.

7. Mrs. Meyer's cleaning supplies in "Baby Blossom." OMG these smell like HEAVEN. The lady who checked me out disagreed. But she wore too much blush. So bam.

8. Doing things I know I shouldn't. Because it's fun.

9. Seafood. All of it. Yum. Could eat it every night. Mussels, clams, tuna, salmon, scallops, oysters, shrimp, sea bass... any of it.

10. Hoarders (the tv show). People hoard adult diapers. It's so wrong. But I can't look away.

And there we go. Back to work, dear friends.

XOXO-

When I'm a BILLIONAIRE...

2010-02-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

The reason I know my husband and I are soul mates...

We were driving last night, and he said "When I'm a billionaire, I want a Manchu Wok in the basement... and a Sbarro for you."

See, we're perfect for each other!

No need to feed the hungry or clothe the poor. I do not long for diamonds or furs.

Our only desire- a mall food court just for us!

Also, I would adopt as many cats as possible from the humane society and pay for their care so that people who wanted a cat but could not afford one could have a purring angel kitty!

So that is what will happen when we are billionaires!

XOXO-
UB

Conditioner

2010-02-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair. I failed to realize this until I was halfway through drying my hair. Because I hate being late, I decided it was better to just wear my hair in a ponytail and be on time to work than to rinse it out and start all over. Because my being at work at 8 on the dot every day is crucial to the survival of the company (not really, but I have an irrational mind).

All day I felt icky! I came so close to washing my hair in the bathroom sink at work. But not too close as it smells strongly of urine in there. Ew! My mind is not that irrational.

Anyway. I took a shower last night. Which seems like no big deal to everyone out there who is normal. I am so far from normal though, so this is a bad news for me. This means I have to take another shower tonight. Showers where you wash your hair must be 24 hours apart- no more than that or your hair will get all dry and start producing too much oil. No less or it gets too greasy. Darned if you do, darned if you don't. Eventually, I need to take a shower in the morning to get back into a normal routine. Most of you cannot understand how difficult this is or why this is a concern/problem. I wish I could explain. I just do things the way I do them. And when routines are altered, I freak. Just some routines though. I'm not completely obsessive compulsive or weird. A little touch is all.

What I'm going to have to do is get a haircut one morning. That will get me back into a normal routine because I will be forced to have my hair washed in the morning, even if I don't want to have my hair washed in the morning because it has only been 8 hours since I last washed it.

Yes, they do have doctors for people like me. Maybe one day I'll meet one =)

Insomnia

2010-02-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

Dearest fans,

Intellectuals are often plagued by a racing mind- conjuring up the next brilliant thought typically takes time, you see. I am no different. Because I am such the intellectual. A philosopher if you will...

Since childhood, I have suffered with the inability to sleep through most nights. I wake up many nights around 1 or 2, and most of the time do not fall back to sleep until 4 or 5. It is not a fun experience. Most of the time I toss and turn, lost in thought (how to save the world, the purpose of life, the cuteness of kittens)... sometimes I snuggle in my footless sleeping bag in the den and watch t.v. Last night I decided to try something different...

I went to the guest bedroom with a book. It was cozy and relaxing. The only problem was that I read half of the book and STILL was not sleepy. I toyed with the idea of starting a new book, but decided against that idea... I instead chose to return to my bed.

Bad decision. In my bed was my husband. He sleeps through the night every night... and he has hilarious dreams (they cause him to laugh hysterically). His peacefulness causes me great anger. I want to sleep like he sleeps! Why do I have to be up all night? Do I not deserve rest just as much as he does? Maybe I do not. My job is about 1/5000th as stressful as his. Still. I WANT TO SLEEP!

Tonight I will down two Tylenol pms with a couple of glasses of wine. That should work. If not, it's okay because I'm starting The 19th Wife tonight... WHOOP WHOOP!

Happy sleeping!
XOXO-
UB

Consignment Concerns

2010-01-03T07:14:00.000-08:00

So my closet is better. The best it has been in a long time.

I decided to be at least 80% honest with myself about the items I knew I would never wear. I ironed them all, and they are hanging in a closet ready to take to a consignment store. This was a huge undertaking, and now I'm pretty nervous. These places say that Gap and Banana Republic are not accepted, and only SOME Ann Taylor items are considered.

I just cannot believe this. Whenever I have visited these stores, it seemed like all they had was this kind of stuff, and from more than two years ago... and for too much money... and I have even spotted items from Target in these stores. So I WAS hopeful, but now I'm considering calling Hannah Home instead!

I guess if I have some company in this majorly annoying experience it will be worth it. And I need to get it over with tomorrow. No sense putting these things off any longer than necessary...

Get ready, L, to freeze your tushy off tomorrow! We're CONSIGNING!

-UB

Resolutions for 2010

2010-01-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

1) Do all of those things I said I would do in the last post. I've already made a significant dent in a couple of them. WOO for me.

2) Watch more television.

3) Buy more stuff. I love stuff. Clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. I really need more accessories. Especially earrings. This will all hinge on the architecture business picking up. Or the husband having a totally rockin' year.

4) Set a budget. It will not apply when GAP does 40% off sale merchandise. Everyone knows I cannot resist a few new tees!!!

5) Wash my car at least once every season totaling four times this year.

6) Get more manicures.

7) Find simple black flats.

8) Get better at my Wii games.

9) Eat more vegetables and less bread.

10) Talk to a doctor about sleep meds. I'll chicken out. I just want to have one thing I do not do so I seem more human to my fans.

11) Do 100-350 crunches a day. More if I can. That sounds like a lot but maybe it's not.

12) Do 10 pushups a day. I know that's not a lot, but I'm weak.

WOW...this will be a busy and challenging year, but I feel up to it!

XOXO,
UB

A Blog Post

2009-12-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

FANS! Long time no post, right?

Well, I thought about treating you guys to a post about Spencer. I've heard (okay... I've watched) enough about The Hills to know that Heidi is begging Spencer for a baby. My hope for the world this Christmas is that he is sterile. If he is not, I think MTV should take full credit for proving Charles Darwin's theory WRONG.

But then I realized I had not discussed my goals for 2010 with you.

SO I will discuss my goals for 2010 with my fans!

We are down to a four day work week at my place of employment. That means I have a three day weekend to complete all sorts of tasks and make my life one of supreme organization.

If you know me, you are probably laughing. But hear me out ... if I did not use this time to organize my life, I would have to workout or something dreadful.

Without further ado, I will now share with you the things I will organize on Fridays (actually...maybe Saturdays... my Fridays are booked now for about 6 weeks)!

1. My closet. Dearest me... this will take a weekend in itself. Maybe I could consign some things. Or just give them away. Maybe both. Definitely both.

2. My kitchen drawers and cabinets. Oh no... I think an anxiety attack is brewing within me. I will procrastinate on this one...

3. My toiletries. This is always WAY fun! I can use my new hydrating mask from Greece. Thanks, L for introducing me to Korres products! Fans, run out NOW and pick up this whole line. It's fab! LOVE, love, love it!

4. Paper. I am dreaming now of all the cute paper organizing products there are out there! Cute paisley printed filing folders... polka dot binders...

5. Cooking magazines. I will finally tear out every recipe I might ever consider making, cut off the scraggly edges, and put them all in their own individual page protector. OMG... the excitement is filling every part of me! This will be so faaaaaaabulous!

6. My deck. I need to clean this again. I will sweep away the leaves, clean the chairs, and fill all the pots with colorful flowers. This can be a project for a warmer month. YAY! Something else to procrastinate!

7. My fridge. It needs a new filter. I will figure that out at some point.

8. My guest bedroom. I NEED those faux silk (a.k.a. polyester) dark brown $10 panels from BB&B! And a new curtain rod. No one will know the difference. Well, besides probably everyone. But I like them. So buzz off.

AND that's about it for now. Hopefully we'll be back to a five day work week before I can THINK about tackling the basement!

Merry Christmas!
-UB

Ew

2009-12-16T04:01:00.000-08:00

Tip: Never consume 15 macaroons in one sitting. You will feel shaky, your heart will pound through your chest, and your nausea will be overwhelming. And you will not want to stand up and get ready to go to work.

Yuck,
UB

Aw

2009-12-15T17:58:00.001-08:00

Parties, Parties, Parties EVERYWHERE

2009-12-12T05:38:00.000-08:00

Hi Fans! And MEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRY Christmas! I know people like posts with pics, so I put a few at the beginning to lure you guys in... anyway...

Two parties down, PLEASE GOD only one more to go!

Now let me begin by saying that my office Christmas party would not have been so painful if I had not been the unfortunate victim of an explosion. That's right, fans... UB was the victim of a true explosion of bread pudding sauce. BOILING, ON FIRE whiskey butter sauce everywhere... but even that was not so bad. You think I am not used to a few minor kitchen burns? Oh I am... kind of like L... when she burned her arm in home ec in high school baking cookies or something... then had to have her arm bandaged... then the rest of our really huge high school assumed she had tried to slit her wrist. That was very, very, VERY bad. Or the time I got braces and a friend made fun of the fact I was missing two teeth in the front and looked terrible and then I pulled her hair until she cried and fell to the floor. Actually, when I think about it, that's nothing like this... but it was scarring nonetheless.

Back to my story... after the sauce exploded everywhere, I did what I typically do when something embarrassing happens... I froze. Then, the nurse of the party came over to make sure I was free of third degree burns. Of course I was. THEN, later, someone happened to point out in front of the majority of my coworkers and their spouses that I had a burn on my face. I then had to explain (in front of the majority of my coworkers and their spouses) that there was no need to fear... it was a ZIT. Thanks Accutane. Thanks a lot. I believe I would have moved past this by now if someone had not earlier pointed out the fact that they were worried about me because I simply looked SO tired. Don't you love hearing that?!? Nothing makes you feel better than "Oh sweetheart, you look TIRED! What's going on? Are you sleeping? Are you having trouble with the hubby? You can be honest with me."

Skip ahead... I bake hundreds of cookies with my mom the next day...what a great time we were having... then... it is almost time to leave when I realize I never used the brown sugar. I said "Mom, looks like you bought a ton of brown sugar we didn't need." She reminded me that two cups of brown sugar were supposed to go into one of the cookie recipes. Of COURSE they were. Color me furious! Those freaking cookies took forever. And I left out the sugar. What a fool I am!!!

So the husband and I head out to the next party. One of his colleagues brings a date who just happens to have a boyfriend. Not weird at all for the rest of us!!! One guy thought it would be fun to mess with them... "Hey there buddy! Is this the girl you've been talking about CONSTANTLY?" It WOULD have been funny... except it was terrible. For everyone. The girl freaked, everyone stood silent... well... everyone except for me. I laughed. Because the awkwardness was so fabulous I just could NOT help myself! HAHAHA! "She just doesn't know anyone! I'm trying to help her meet people... it's not a date..." HAHA! HAHA! Watching people who deserve to be uncomfortable BE uncomfortable is one of my top ten favorite things to do.

What are some of my other favorite things to do, you ask?
Eating salty cured meats, watching t.v. shows, talking with a British accent, and playing with baby animals... among many other things...

I must attend to my household duties today. So much to do, so little time.

HASTA LA VISTA fans!
XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Am I a Scrooge?

2009-12-09T07:36:00.000-08:00

Fans,

I beginning to feel a tinge of worry. I know I enjoy Christmas- overeating and overspending happen to be two of my best skills. I do not, however, enjoy decorating. I know other people have cute decorations and seem to enjoy it... I, on the other hand, did not so much as bring a box of ornaments up from the basement this year! It was easier to pick up a box of plastic ornaments when I was out one day. $10 to not worry with dust/unpacking/carrying things... Seems sensible to me. It looks pretty weird, but whatevs.

When I attempt psychoanalyzing myself to determine whether or not I have a problem, I realize it all goes back to Christmas as a child. I did not participate in decorating the tree even then. Some kids LOVED putting ornaments on the tree. I never thought about it... my mom would handle it all while we played...or better yet, she would handle it while we slept and everything would be pretty the next morning...or she would handle it while we were at school...

I DID always love what was under the tree! Some things never change...

Will I decorate when I have children one day? ABSOLUTELY not! What do you think my mom and friends are for? Or I guess I could just put the kids to work. That might be fun. Make them APPRECIATE the hard work that goes into it all. Brats!

Now that I've put it all out there, I'm so not a scrooge. I love to bake, shop, and eat. And I love Jesus. And family and friends. And I love their decorations! I'm just not good at decorating. Oh and I LOVE glitter. Glitter eyeshadow, glitter on cards, glitter EVERYWHERE...

XOXO & Merry Christmas,
UB

He Got a Deer

2009-12-06T05:25:00.000-08:00

This shall be a long post, dedicated to filling you guys in on my life as of late... I know you missed me!

Fans, my husband shot a deer yesterday. Did he take it to a deer processor? No fans, he did not... he did it... himself... in a field...

I was kind of impressed... and relieved. When a catastrophic event occurs and we are forced to live off the land, not only will I have seven years of water from my mom and five years of eyeshadow that I've collected (some people's priorities are different... it doesn't make them shallow), but my husband can butcher his own kill! Which will unfortunately be the rabid squirrel/raccoon/armadillo combination of Cahaba Heights... ew... I can picture it now... "Come over friends and family for my special VERMIN STEW." At least I'll look good...

Now, I am awake and poring over recipes for "non-gamey tasting venison." I turned to my beloved Pioneer Woman... but she's worthless. Endless recipes for beef. My fave. Sadly, we do not have beef... we have deer. And a LOT of it. Just piled in my fridge. It's gross... I don't like it... but Darling Husband MURDERED it, so I have to figure out something to do with it.

Before, when forced with the task of finding ways to prepare an innocent kill, I've turned to allrecipes.com. After one terrible country tasting disaster (I think it suggested serving biscuits with it), I decided to go the Epicurious/Bon Appetit route... we'll see how it goes... they suggest marinading venison for at least 12 hours, so at least it's too late to tackle this project today!

Now, because I've made a rude comment about biscuits, I think I owe you guys an explanation. I DO NOT LIKE BISCUITS. I hate the WORD biscuit. BISSSKIT. I wish the little carb/calorie dense puffs did not bring about so much hatred in my heart... but they do. Kind of like crescent rolls. YUCK YUCK YUCK. When A or L say that they are on their way to Chick-fil-A for a BISSSKIT, I don't like them for a moment. Anger management issues? Perhaps. But I have three main reasons I do not like biscuits:
1. The way the word sounds- like a hissing SNAKE...I have already addressed this, so we'll move on...
2. They are made with shortening. Shortening reminds me of fondant. Fondant makes me cry/yell/send chills down my spine. Plus, it looks weird. It is really white and creepy and greasy OMG I HATE SHORTENING...
3. They stick to the roof of your mouth. ICK.

Carbs I LOVE- PASTA, toast, all breads besides biscuits (such as one whole baguette, just for me), potatoes sometimes, sweet potatoes, wine, juices, fruits, cookies, cakes, pies, bar cookies, those delish hazelnut chocolate things with the gold wrapper that they put at the checkout knowing that fewls like myself cannot resist... plus lots of other things. I'm not a freak/weirdo after all. Just kidding. I totally am.

Stay tuned next week for my VERY FAVORITE WEEK OF THE WHOLE FREAKING ENTIRE YEAR...

Want a sneak peak because you know I will never write about it? Okay, I will indulge you!!!! I mean this week has possibilities beyond all other weeks of the entire YEAR!

Today- stay in/clean/watch movies with Darling Husband/put my new orange rug in my kitchen/iron/grocery shop.

Monday-Wednesday- get up early, work, come home. Why only M-W, you wonder? BECAUSE DA BOSS is having our CHRISTMAS PARTY on THURSDAY NIGHT! We are having our office Christmas party on Thursday night, which means we will leave work around lunch on Thursday and have the whole day Friday to do whatever we want!

Tuesday or Wednesday- Little Bubby is coming home from Auburn for Christmas! We will do things like eat falafel, fight, go shopping, and he will do all of our home related projects that we are too dumb to do!

One other random night or Sunday- bake with A/GOSSIP/sing carols! A is as free with her unique voice as I am with mine. Duets are especially fun. We may or may not do them multiple times... This is so much better than singing with E... she would, on occasion, upstage Mariah. Not fair at all...

Friday- get up EARLY/go to mom's/drink about six thousand cups of coffee/bake ALL day/hold my big fat kitty man/cuddle with the dog! Not much else to say- this is just a fun, fun day!

Saturday- shop ALL day until we poop out with L. Why do I love shopping with L for an entire day instead of splitting it up? Because neither of us mind going from the Galleria to the Summit, back to the Galleria, to T.J.'s on 31 back to T.J.'s on 280. No one else will do this with me. We like to settle in with some nuggets or hot chocolate and enjoy the hour it takes to park!

I think there are a couple of parties stuck in there too... but I'll survive them. In flats.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FANS!!!!
-UB

My Favorite Things about FALL

2009-11-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

1. Sweatpants

2. Fleece Pants

3. Tube Socks

4. Sweatshirts

5. Eating foods like pecan pie and casseroles and sweet potatoes and brussels sprouts and APPLE PIE!

6. It gets dark early in the evening and light early in the morning! Much better for my sleeping patterns.

7. You can use fall scented candles and plug in thingies!

8. Apples and pears are delish... AND it's almost time for CLEMENTINES!

9. You can take a warm bath!

10. There is never a shortage of decent t.v.

11. You receive loads of festive catalogs in the mail.

12. People do not wear sandals. That means you don't have to look at ugly feet!

Welcome, FALL!

-UB

UB- As Tech Savvy as a MEEMAW

2009-11-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can't believe I've let myself fall so far behind on the latest and greatest of the crazy trends...

1. Voicemail- I do not have voicemail on my home OR cell phone... given, when I did have voicemail, I would let them accumulate until I felt it was worth my time to listen to them (minimum of 6)... but now that I have my kewl tween phone that is too complicated for me to use, I just cannot figure out how to set up voicemail...
*Confession- It's nice to not have voicemail... you never have to call anyone back! "You rang? Oh, I had no idea!"

2. Texting- rarely do I text- I DID when I had a good, old fashioned flip phone that offered some measure of privacy... but now, how do you gossip about the person sitting next to you when a text just appears on your phone? RISKY, fans, VERY RISKY! Obviously someone with nothing interesting going on in their life invented the iphone.

3. Cameras... now I know these were invented quite some time ago, but I just don't keep up with mine very well. We bought this hot pink camera on a whim one day to take a picture of something... and then we lost it! OH WELLZ! We never remember to take a camera on a trip or fun adventure. I still have a good memory... I can remember what we did. Plus, when you're gallivanting around a big city, nothing screams "HEY! I'm a tourist!" quite like someone taking pictures of the naked cowboy or a mime painted silver...

4. Blu-Ray- what is this anyway? Can someone tell me? I've heard it's like a DVD player- we have one of those, but I have only used it about twice in a twelve month span of time.

5. The IPOD! I downloaded (is this the correct term?) a song from itunes for the first time a month or two ago... it was so confusing, I have yet to try again...

6. Computers- I have no idea how computers work. Thank goodness for my friends.

I would like to note that I have mastered the DVR. Couldn't live without it. If given the choice between cell phone and DVR... never to see one of the two again, I would most definitely choose DVR!

The frightening thing is, I assume there are even more recent inventions than these things... but how would I know when I'm waltzing around Sephora, lounging around the house reading a book, or cooking a fabulous meal?

Take note, fans, simplicity is the key to life. Plus I've heard all these inventions cause brain tumors.

Happy rest of the weekend!

XOXO,
UB

Halloween/My Man's Birthday!

2009-10-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

Hi Fans.

I've been under loads of stress lately, so regrettably I have failed to blog about my feelings toward Halloween... I believe this is a good time to get it all out...

I don't know if any of you saw the story about Halloween Haters in the paper on Sunday... but I am here to inform you all that I am one of them...I HATE Halloween! There are shirts out there that proclaim "I HATE HALLOWEEN"... I don't think I care enough to go THAT far (not to mention I don't want the whole world to know what a bitter soul I am)...but the sentiment is much appreciated.

Why do I hate Halloween?... I suppose my distaste for the holiday stems from my UN FUN nature... I don't enjoy pretend/creativity/late nights/carving pumpkins/being scared/people passing out junk candy because they are too cheap to buy the chocolate/women dressing as slutty nurse/teacher/pirate/etc./sluts/children/ children coming to my door for candy causing me to pause the DVR to give them the only decent candy of the night... ETC.ETC.ETC.

It's all quite a bit of trouble...

So while I do hate Halloween for all of the traditional garbage that it entails, I love it for a very special reason...

It's the day of my kitty son's birth! That's RIGHT! Mr. Kitty (a.k.a. MAN, MIRACLE, BIG FAT MAN, ANGEL, MY MAIN MAN) was born on a day that is associated with all things SPOOKY AND EVIL! Explains so much, right? He would SO have been a vampire if he wasn't a kitty man. He loves to bite! He bite, bite, bites!

This year that BIG FAT MAN will be SIX! Can you believe it? My... how time flies...

He has been such a special addition to our family. I must confess, I abandoned him for a human man nearly three years ago. I think that makes me a terrible mother, but Mr. Kitty has more dander than 82 normal cats put together, and my human man has severe allergies to...well...almost everything, but most of all, CATS! Poor guy (I guess Mr. & the husband, but mostly MISTER KITTY)! Luckily, his grandmother spoils him rotten.

I'll do a post later in the week that discusses in further detail all of the mischievous yet precious things Mr. Kitty does...

Just look at that handsome guy!!! He's SO beautiful!!!!! This was his 2 year portrait taken when we lived in Auburn! He was a college kitty! ADORABLE!

Happy Mr. Kitty's Birthday Week! I'm getting him a Halloween costume for his birthday (Did I mention he LOVES to wear clothes?) YAY!

XOXO,

-UB

Wednesday Night- Waiting on a Chicken... and a BABY

2009-10-14T17:49:00.001-07:00

As I sit preparing a roast chicken, I regret (or am excited) to inform you all that I inadvertently (on purpose) sent HER a message of encouragement.

But GOODNESS fans! Are we not ready for the birth story? I believe, in earnest, we ARE!

Everyone who knows what this is regarding needs to send a little note to the recklessly brave mother ... I personally await the birth with eager anticipation... as I know you do also...

Happy Birthday (I hope), Nehemiah, Amos, Ezekiel, or whatever your name shall be,
Undercover Blogger

WHEN is SHE Going to HAVE HER BABY?

2009-10-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

HMMMMMMMM? I saw her huzby working his little grungy heart out... more like walking around, chatting with friends... busy as a little bee... while at ANY moment his bride and helpmeet could require his assistance in filling up the used inflatable pool and assist her as she is in agony for hooooooourrrrrs while he feeds her cheese, organic grapes and whatever the heck else she eats.

I don't know about you, fans, but I suspect you feel as I do...I'm READY FOR THAT BABY TO COME!!! I need a good home birth story to liven up the working day.

What do you suppose she'll call the little munchkin?
Beregond?
Aragorn?
Gretel?
Balthazar?

We stand together, fans, for the unique naming ceremony that lies ahead... right after the placental burying ceremony... or before... I suppose I should further investigate the timing of all home birthing rituals...

Happy Home Birthing,
UNDERCOVER BLOGGER

LEAST Favorite Things!

2009-10-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

Hi ALL! I know that you all rely on me for honesty. If UB isn't truthful with you, then who is? RIGHT?

So, here we go with a few least faves:

1. Fridays. I think we should have just a 4 day work week. 5 is too much. When are we supposed to relax? I don't guess we do... When do we see our friends? A rushed lunch on Saturday? It's sad...

2. Facebook... old people have infiltrated...

3. Sports... bunches of people (including your otherwise style conscious friends) dressed in team colors for a whole season, hooting and hollering to support their teams... not to mention the hideous blow up tiger down the street... actually, scratch that. I DO like football as it makes the malls and restaurants much less crowded.

3. (Since I've decided sports are acceptable)- Being hungry. I'm so hungry. I wish I had some pie or spaghetti or something. =(

4. Roaches. I've put traps everywhere, yet I'm still using my RAID with greater frequency than I find acceptable...

5. Lady GaGa and Katy Perry- OH WAIT! JUST KIDDING! I LOVE THEM!

5. MAKING CAKES. We don't have one for like...a few weeks... but I'm already dreading it. Don't stop placing orders though, I mostly just like to complain. You would understand if you were as skilled as we are... but... YOU'RE NOT!

6. Women who don't wear makeup. It's like men who walk around with no shirt...or people who don't wear shoes... WHY?

7. Mouth breathers.

8. Humidity. My hair can turn from sleek and shining to Monica in Jamaica hair in a nanosecond...

9. THE FACT THAT IT WON'T GET COLD. I want to get some of those brooms that smell like cinnamon that they are selling at Whole Foods right now, but it just doesn't seem right when it's practically 99 degrees outside.

10. Insomnia. I know I should ask the old doc about Ambien, but some of my best thoughts come to me in the middle of the night... it's just who I am... the girl who doesn't sleep...

XOXO-
UB

To the Penny

2009-10-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hello ALL...

Sometimes, fans, when you are an office manager and you are reconciling the bank account for the previous month and the bank balance just happens to work out on your first attempt at the thing, you sometimes cry a little. It is truly a moment of joy. Sometimes you are missing a few dollars. That is simply infuriating. Sometimes you're missing $15,000 or more. Then you just leave and walk around the mall for a bit. Today happens to be one of those days where it all worked. I have yet to make my journal entries for fear that something is missing, so I'll save that for the afternoon. As of this very moment, I'm rejoicing... So I should at least enjoy that feeling for a few measly hours before I am in tears again!

THE BANK ACCOUNT IS BALANCED TO THE PENNY!

Which brings me to the point of this post... what do you do with your pennies, fans?

Darling husband became upset with me last week when he discovered that I throw mine away... I don't really understand what the big deal is, but he made me feel SO guilty! I'm confused as to what good a penny does anyone...

After that, I decided I would try to use a few pennies...

I went into the wine shop, and my total was something like $12.11. I began counting the pennies, and the attendant stopped me and said "It's okay! You can keep the change." Well I told the man that wasn't necessary and handed him the eleven pennies... he handed them back to me. I was beyond upset. Eleven freaking pennies still clinking in my purse.

Now I'm just trying to get rid of them anyway I can. When I check out at the store, for example... if my total is 98.75, I hand them ten or twelve pennies and pay the remaining balance with my debit card. They don't like it, but what do I care?

By heck or high water,THIS UB will rid herself of all the pennies she possesses WITHOUT throwing them away.

Some ideas-

-Go inside Chevron and put a few in the little coin collector
-Leave a few in the vending machine for the cheapo who checks
-Toss a few on the ground outside (heads up) for a superstitious person to find
-Take them to Publix for the penny item (WHICH THEY ALWAYS FREAKING GIVE ME FOR FREE! NO PENNY REQUIRED)... I suppose I could give them to a less cute person who they make pay for the penny item...
-Coinstar? That's a lot of trouble...

Any other ideas, fans?

Have a lovely day,
Undercover Blogger

Extortion- What's the big DEAL?

2009-10-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

So... Letterman...

Ugly, right?

Why are people SO whiny all the time? "POOR me, I've been blackmailed for $2mil because I slept with people who work for me."

I wouldn't be surprised if he set this whole little scam up himself to make people think women find him attractive. That poor extortionist probably gets like 10+ years in prison and then he'll get paid $5mil at the end of the game for helping Letterman get some publicity. That guy should have watched "LOCKUP: RAW" before he decided $5 mil was worth being forced to marry a man living as woman who calls himself Roxie.

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is regarding bribery. In business we face many obstacles, and the good guy always finishes last. Extortion hurts no one. You shouldn't do things that would allow someone to blackmail you in the future. IDIOTS. TIT FOR TAT, DAVE.

Let's face the facts, friends, he's getting old. Old is icky unless you're rich. I'm sure Letterman makes a decent living, but he's no oil tycoon. Just a millionaire I bet. Millionaires are so 80s. You would THINK attractive women would begin to set their standards a little higher...

I mean, come ON! What a joke! WHO are the multiple women who had affairs with this man? I just can't believe it. It seems as though this is a common question that runs through my mind when something like this happens...

Let us take a look at a few other men who have been caught in such scandals...

John Edwards isn't 100% unfortunate, but doesn't he look like he could star in Three's Company? CHEESE BALL. I guess at least he was worth some moolah.

Woody Allen. Sick and creepy. I mean the fact that Diane Keaton could even act beside him after MICHAEL CORLEONE makes me want to hurl.

Bill wasn't THE ugliest human 20 years ago, but EESH! He's OLD now! YUCK!

Given, Mr. Spitzer had to pay for his pleasure... but she was PRETTY! And he is... an UGGO!

Let's not get into the wonders some Frizz Ease would do for his wife's hair... poor woman...

I know I could go on and on and on and find a few cute celebs who have had affairs, but that would make not a fun blog post.

Happy Friday!
Undercover Blogger

A Burden Lifted...

2009-10-01T10:21:00.001-07:00

Fans, do you ever feel as though you are weighed down by 100 pounds of cement, completely unable to breathe?

I do. Or I DID... but alas, no longer am I breathing through a paper bag... I've finally placed my orders for my fall shoes! YAY!

I owe L eternal gratitude for assisting me in my choice of fall shoes. What would I do without you, L? How can you listen to me drone on and on about the different shades of brown that would work with my green sweater? Most likely you do what silly A does... put the phone down and come back later.

So without further ado, here are the choices I have made...

I bought these in the summer, but they'll count as a fall shoe...I always buy a new pair of black pumps every year...

Then, I went for the little metallic graphite leather flat...

And finally, some cute boots... thank GOD I ordered them today... I got the last 5! WHEW. I couldn't find a bigger picture...

I am so thrilled to have this behind me...

XOXO,
UB

Deeper Thinking...

2009-10-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

Fans, I feel my posts have been quite shallow as of late, so I've decided to delve into a thought I've had for many years now...

Why do some people sit there with their mouth open, just staring ahead like a fish eyed moron? Deviated septum? Idiocy? I have no idea.

What do you guys think about this topic?

Lost in thought,
Undercover Blogger

Beauty on a BUDGET!

2009-09-29T07:45:00.001-07:00

Fans, you're in luck. I'm here today to tell you of my favorite BEAUTY PRODUCTS as of RIGHT NOW! I believe you will find that these products are all very affordable and can be obtained quite easily from your nearest mall or drugstore!

My Corioliss Flat Iron! Of course this was a gift from my darling mother... it's pink and HOTT! She fell for the speech of the mall salesperson... and for that, fans, I am grateful! At $150 it's not THE cheapest option, but we've all tried the $40 version... let's face it... the $40 version is a disappointment...

Lancome Le Crayon Khol- I'm sitting here imagining what my life would be like if I had to use CoverGirl Eyeliner. It's too horrific a thought to imagine. Everything about this liner is perfect. PERFECT! It will put you back $23.50, but I promise it's worth it! Drugstore eyeliner is $7 or $8 anyway...

Neutrogena Lip Moisturizer- Light, flavorless, protects my sensitive lips from the sun... $3!

Johnson's Body Care 24 Hour Lotion- this smells amazing, and at $4, it's a steal!

Neutrogena Pore Refining Cleanser- I have used this product for YEARS and the dermatologist recommends it- Alpha and Beta Hydroxy acids gently exfoliate the skin... it's fabulous, especially at $8!

bareMinerals- What beauty favorites list would be complete without this? Mineral makeup has truly reinvented our outlook on beauty. I never thought it would cover well, but it does. And there is a product for any problem your skin might encounter- acne, dryness, oiliness, oldness, etc...This kit is maybe $60 or so, and after that, you only pay about $30 every few months to add to your collection. Not too shabby!

Lancome Bi-Facil Double Action Eye Makeup Remover- So gentle, so wonderful, so NECESSARY. One swipe of this product and your eyeliner and mascara are GONERS! I don't believe I've ever paid for this as it's in every free gift Lancome gives, but I think it's about $20 if you do purchase it.

Lorac Concealers- It's a pity, but I'm cursed with dark circles under my eyes. When I discovered this product in 2002, I was HOOKED. A little pot is only $15 or so and it lasts for a year, maybe more.

Paul Mitchell Hair Products- Affordable (ULTA usually has a buy two get one deal that allows you to get out of the door for around $40). Fantastic. Dependable. I know I've talked of these products before, but friends and fans, you should go out today and pick up a few. Your life will change. Your hair will shine and be at peak health. I suggest the entire line of volumizing products, the STRENGTH weekly hair treatment, and the gloss drops!

Afrin- A beauty product? Yes fans, it keeps you from being all boogery. $5.

Visine- It takes the red out! Please don't walk around with red eyes like a vampire or pothead. We know it's the ragweed, but we can't help but wonder otherwise...

$5. Truly friends, if you have spent the whole night crying over an episode of Grey's, no one will have a CLUE in the morning!

Clearasil Astringent- This smells a little funky, but I like to use it twice a day for ultra clean pores...$3+cotton balls.

Cetaphil Moisturizer- I became hooked on this stuff when I was taking Accutane (my all time favorite beauty treatment). It's gentle and comes in a variety of richness factors- ultra light all the way to DEEPLY moisturizing! $10.

Well, fans, I hate to stop there as I could continue for HOURS... but I must... I'll save the rest for another day.

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

Bessemer

2009-09-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

I would simply like to take a moment to express my feelings toward the city of Bessemer, Alabama. It's repulsive. Truly. I would go so far as to say I will no longer drive past the Galleria in an attempt to forget that it exists. Possibly not even to Patton Creek.

While it is full of happy memories and it WAS sad to leave, the drug dealers, prostitutes and thieves will keep me at bay.

Why do people choose to allow their homes to go to heck? Tall grass, weeds, etc... and it's not because they are busy at work. No, no sir. It's because they are busy sitting there on their front porches causing a ruckus. A 2 p.m. ruckus that requires a police visit. TWO, to be exact.

And to top it off, the charming drug addict across the alley from my grandmother's house decided to break in the little shed used to house old Christmas decorations, a bike, my grandfather's beloved tennis rackets, and the little table I so desperately needed to fit between my new white chairs and steal it ALL!

I do admire my fearless mother who simply walked across the street and demanded these items be returned. And returned they were. My mother can be...well, extremely intimidating/terrifying =)

Bessemer took up the majority of your UB's time this weekend, so I don't have much else to say.

I do have to give Aardy some credit for reminding me that Bessemer DOES have a super highway AND a Bob Sykes. Haha! Aardy is a card...

Later,
-UB

P.S. My silly home computer has a virus. BUMMER.

Shoe Problem

2009-09-24T03:05:00.000-07:00

Fans,

I'm in a bit of a quandary.

In my utter state of despair yesterday, I thought I would just order a few pick me ups. So I did. And it did pick me up. When it came time to order my shoes from JCrew... well that, fans, is when I ran into my problem.

My $12 problem I'm calling it. Or more like my $24 problem.

I was going to order these little flats.

I kind of thought they would just go with everything. Plus there was free shipping on orders of $100. But these were only $98. So shipping was then $12 for a quarter pound of SHOES. Probably less than that even. And then taxes were $12 which is not accurate. So I didn't order them. Why, UB, did you not just find a pair of tights or a cute bangle to through in your bag, you are wondering? I was sick and not thinking clearly, that's why.

So then I decided to just order the upgrade. These flats.

But then I forgot. I was busy yesterday. And distracted by my man cold/allergies.

Now the free shipping promotion is over, so I can't even order the crackle flats. I'm just kind of against paying for shipping unless I have another promotional offer.

I logged onto Piperlime to see if there was another option. And I found these. But they are... GASP... SYNTHETIC. And $35. I know that's like a $100 price reduction, but can I do it? Can I sell my soul to the vinyl devil and live in $35 shoes for the next 4 or so months?

I suppose I'll keep looking for a bit, but I think I'll just wind up paying the BLIMEY shipping.

XOXO
-Undercover Blogger

OOPS

2009-09-22T21:49:00.001-07:00

Turns out I don't have a cold- I am having some bad allergy problems. Or so I'm told.

I did get the cortisone shot that's supposed to make me feel better... LIES! LIES I TELL YOU!
Maybe I feel about 15% better. Of course that might be accurate because I've slept for about a total of two to three hours in the past 48/64 hours... and I'm not expecting to catch up on any missed zzzz's tonight either. So perhaps I AM feeling better... simply unaware of the improvements due to my lack of sleep.

"How dull" you are probably thinking... I shall quit bothering you with the details...

The purpose behind this midnight post: I'm here to repent.

Dearest, closest friends and fans... I went back on my word (about how I SWORE I would not think I had any severe medical issues until at least December)...

As I sat watching late night television (late for me) my feet and lower legs became numb.

I've now researched Guillain-Barre Syndrome as a result of a cortisone injection- very unlikely as they use cortisone to TREAT Guillain-Barre... but Guillain-Barre CAN be caused by a respiratory infection... I guess we will know in the morning.

If the steroids were not helping, this WebMD search SURELY has not helped soothe me into a peaceful slumber...

At the moment I'm perusing the support groups of people who have had lumbar punctures (one of the tests required for Guillain-Barre)... I DON'T WANNA!

Anyway, I suppose I'll go... some movie featuring Beyonce as a gospel singer is starting...

Sorry friends, didn't mean to stir my cyberchondria pot... but I did, and I felt guilty...

XOXO,
UB

Undercover Blogger Gets a COLD!

2009-09-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Fans.

It's true. I have been sick. Since Friday!

This is the second time, maybe third, that I have been sick this year. I did promise a few friends that I would not think I was dying until at least December, so in the attempt to resist googling immunosuppressant diseases, I have decided to do something productive.

I will explain to you guys how I, Undercover Blogger, beat a cold. I hope this helps you one day.

1. Buy a bottle of Tylenol Cold Nighttime. Also buy a bottle of wine. Red. Drink two-three tablespoons of the cough medicine followed by two or three glasses of wine. Some will tell you that alcohol inhibits the immune system. I'm here to alert you to the falsehood of these claims. It allows you to be out for HOURS. Sleep gives your body the rest it needs to heal.

2. Make a big pot of soup. Not from a can. Have respect for your body. Nourish it for the duration of your cold with vegetable or chicken soup, spinach salads, and the rest of that bottle of wine and another one if needed. Don't forget to stay hydrated with plenty of water, herbal teas, coffee and natural juices.

3. Stay on top of your chores. Does having a cold give you the right to put off your chores for a weekend or more? No, fans, it does not. Did our mothers refuse to feed us when they were sick? Did they neglect bathing us? No. Therefore you too have the strength to stay on top of your ironing, basic cleaning, and meal preparation. The main reason behind keeping on top of the housework is this- you will be sorry when you're over your bug and have to waste your new found energy on household duties. I found my cold gave me the extra time I needed to CLR my faucet heads and demineralize my coffee maker.

4. Pamper your skin. Do you wish to heal wholly, completely? Well then, friends, you should keep on top of your appearance. It is acceptable to skip makeup application for the duration of your cold as long as you will not be seen in a public venue. It is important, however, to apply a face mask, rich body lotions, and a deep conditioner to your hair. We wish not to return to our places of employment or hobby with unbalanced skin, do we? A cold gives you the lack of smell needed to apply a good sulfur mask. I recommend this one by DDF.

5. Use your sickness as an excuse to devour an entire bag of Luden's Great Tasting Cherry Throat Lozenges. The great thing about these little goodies is that they are "medicine" and therefore do not advertise how many calories are in each serving. I find it perfectly acceptable to eat 20-30 in a day.

6. "Nap." While I did take one nap, I spent the majority of my time watching old episodes of Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, and Will and Grace... not to mention such classic movies as When Harry Met Sally, Ghost, and Dirty Dancing! Oh how I owe Lifetime for such fabulous entertainment!

And I suppose that's all I do. Good luck, cold sufferers!

XOXO,

THANKS!

2009-09-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

My most sincere gratitude is here given to JG for introducing me to Grooveshark...

As we all know, I am one of the last few beings on Earth lacking an IPOD! It's true, fans. I am afraid it would give me one less excuse for not working out, you have to pay for your songs, AND I do not listen to music in my car for I am always catching up with friends on the day's gossip!

Oh darling JG, thank you, for where else could I create a schizophrenic playlist full of The Beatles, Carrie Underwood, Pitbull, Perry Como and Jordin Sparks... for FREE???

As we speak, I sit creating a playlist titled "Relax, MAHN, it's FRIDAY!" featuring Bob Marley and The Morman Tabernacle Choir.

Would you fans like to participate? Well, by all means! Go AHEAD.... http://listen.grooveshark.com/

Happy Friday!

Undercover Blogger

Moonlighting

2009-09-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Fans,

Your Undercover Blogger writes to you today after a long night of moonlighting... trying to make ends meet (HAHA very J-SLASH-K-ing)...

Last night was a cake night... siiiiiiighhh... it did not go so well... the most unfortunate thing occurred- I did not get so much as 5 minutes of sleep!

I jest not.

I know you fools find our creations tasty and cute, but lest you think they come easily... you should think again, friends...

Why, you would like to know?

Well, do you, while practicing your art form, feel the need to yell any of the following phrases?

- WHERE'S THE VAT OF LARD?

- (at 2 am) WHY GOD, WHY?

- GREAT! I HAVE WHITE HAND PRINTS ON MY BUTT!

Didn't think so.

Do you fans, while practicing your art form, ever dry heave into a plastic garbage bin after inhaling too much of your piece? Does the humidity of a warm September evening ruin the base of your project? Do you cry and consider calling off a friendship if it means you can simply stop working for a mere moment?

My guess is NO.

Your "art" was most likely learned in an institutional setting. We learn about our creations as we go. We FEEL the artwork. It's ALIVE for us. Did DaVinci need a teacher? Michelangelo?

Laugh if you must, but be not surprised when The Present Cake goes down in history with The Last Supper and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel...

Exhausted,

-Undercover Blogger

Undercover Blogger and Her Heart of Stone

2009-09-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

Is now mush. Why, you ask? Because I'm having a nephew (or a niece)!!! That's right friends! L is having a baby! A REAL ONE! I will affectionately refer to him (or her) as Gerard (or Gerri). Today I think it's Gerri. It's been about 50/50.

I've always prided myself in my uncanny ability to detect subtle nuances in a preggo's behavior and thus to predict the sex of the unborn.

This pregnancy is too important to rely on my sixth sense. But this one is difficult, for L's behavior has remained largely unchanged (WHEW, we've all known THAT pregnant girl).

I have found a tinkle test for L to take to determine whether this kid is boy or a girl already! I mean I can't wait until NOVEMBER to start buying little Gerard (or Gerri) adorable little gowns and bubbles! Quality monogramming takes time, after all. I don't want to wind up with 6 Jon-Jons with Gerard written across the front if it's really a GERRI!

Anyway, L refuses to take said test. She does not believe it is trustworthy.

She trusted the PREGNANCY test though. So I don't understand.

DILEMMA! What am I to do fans? Make her an offer she can't refuse? Or wait until November when she has her US?

XO
Undercover Blogger

P.S. To all new stalkers (ahem, J)... I'm not opposed to making offers that can't be refused. Spill the beans, and you'll know what I'm talking about.

P.S.S. L just displayed her first pregnancy induced overreaction. She's bothered that I sit blogging ... at her table... on her computer... as she slaves away icing the cake (not that that's the hard part anyway)...

Guess I best get back to it... L's eating all the frosting!

Budget

2009-09-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I thought you guys were my friends.

When I asked you for advice on maintaining a budget, you failed me.

L was totally useless. She's all "What's wrong with canned items?"

A is extreme. She's all "Make your money work for you!"

I finally received one response that I believe I can live with from Bloggin Sista:

Budgeting 101 for my DEAR friend, Undercover Blogger
My best tip to you, dear Undercover Blogger, is DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!When is the last time you broke the bank grocery shopping? Is not grocery shopping a necessary evil? I ask you this, dear friend; When is the last time you went to the grocery store and bought something you did not absolutely need? Wait, wait. Do not answer this question yet. First we must define a need.

Need: N. 1. Something desired, strongly desired, or wished for. 2. (needing) V. To suffer from want.Ok, now that we've decided that the operational definition of a need is quite subjective and is different for most everyone, let's define what is wished for by people who matter, and by people who do not matter.

People who matter: These people want things that improve their health, status, or appearance. i. e. New things, pretty things, things that improve status

People who do not matter: These people want (need, whatever...) things that are cheap, prevent them from starving, or aid them in things other, more fortunate folk already possess because they are more intelligent, charming, attractive, or otherwise better all around than than people who do not matter. i. e. shelter, food, water, money

Now that we've established a pattern of people who generally are of lesser status and therefore importance and people who are generally, in all arenas, better, I ask simply; Why are you worried about your spending, dear friend? Correct me if I am wrong, but does it not make you feel somewhat elite to spend $300 a week on organic, name brand groceries of which many will be tossed out before the expiration date? Do you not achieve euphoria when buying a $110 plain cotton striped tuxedo blouse from J. Crew? Do you not need multiple shoes of the same brand and model, differing only in color? Does it not pique your excitement when you buy something just because you can and others can not? Are these not necessities? Are these not things that give you great excitement and thrill? Of course they are.

The answer, of course, to all of the questions I pose is YES! Yes, sweet Undercover Blogger, you need things!!!

If Darling Husband is the problem, simply tell him what I tell my own dear spouse. "Did you enter into our vows not knowing of my idiosyncrasies and oddities? Did you not know you would need to surrender yourself to a lifetime of spending and more? Of course you did, my dear. And that is one of the many reasons you love me."Keep this in mind next time you are at Whole Foods, my dear friend. Bologna is for people who pronounce it Bolo-Na.

So, with that, I've decided I need not budget. I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

I'm outtie/ordering those cute J.Crew ballet flats...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Cereice! PUT OUT YOUR CIGGIE!

2009-09-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hi fans!

I'm back from my weekend trip to Atlanta. It was definitely one of the most interesting weekends of my entire life. I took a few pictures, but I will have to add them later as I was running out the door this morning and forgot it! This will be a long post, but I promise it's worth reading...I'll put it in timeline format for your convenience...

7:30- Leave Birmingham.

10:30- Arrive in Atlanta. Check into hotel. Notice strange carpet in gold, royal blue, and red scroll pattern. Become quite anxious. See dozens of Alabama fans checking out, become less anxious. At least this hotel was acceptable for football fans- not a drug dealer in sight! WHEW!

11:00- Walk out of hotel to go to IKEA! Notice in place of Alabama fans there are dozens of drag queens checking in... Become anxious again. Not that I judge- I'm normally very intrigued by this sort of thing... just not intrigued by THESE drag queens.

11:30- Eat lunch. Drive to IKEA- realize my car is too small to fit the chairs I liked inside plus 3 peeps... stress slightly, but quickly get over it.

2:00- Arrive back at hotel. Observe a dozen or so additional drag queens. Change, shake off my nerves, and head to the RACE! THE NASCAR RACE, BABY!

2:45- Park in grass, walk around. Observe men with mullets and no shirts. Large bellies. Women with no teeth. Women in bikini tops. Men in shirts with vulgar sayings. A man in a wheelchair with a ventilator (if that doesn't show dedication, I'm not sure what does). Lots of short shorts exposing large butt cheeks. Lots of prison tats. Lots of strange and unique facial hair.

3:00- Talk to FIL who tells me the race starts at 7:30 and is so well planned that it will end at 11:52. Choke on beverage. FOUR HOURS? I assumed this was like a horse race... obviously a little longer... they would need to go around the track a few times... but FOUR HOURS?

3:02- 7:00- Continue to observe rednecks. Imagine college football game x 1000. Pretty sweet. Try to imagine what these people do for a living. I'm still coming up short. Realize that I am probably the hottest or 2nd hottest girl there. Confidence boost.

7:01- Walk into the stadium/arena/whatever it is. Take opportunity to use the restroom. Two women are ahead of me, and there are about 30 stalls open. I politely tap the woman in front of me who was enjoying her 40 (in the bathroom, ew) to alert her to the fact that she need not wait as there were open stalls. She SNAPS around and yells "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR HAPPY ASS UP THERE." Hmm... I didn't know how to react, so I just got my happy a$$ up there!

7:05- Sit down. Seat is in the front row. Things aren't looking good. I sat between husband and BIL Nick. Next to Nick was a lovely woman- Cereice. How do I know this, you ask? You are probably saying to yourself right now- "Undercover Blogger isn't friendly! Undercover Blogger would never try to make a friend unless it was absolutely necessary for survival!" Well, friends, you are right. No need for introductions at a Nascar race... Cereice was in an AIRBRUSHED t-shirt! She was sitting next to her best friend Laurie. Laurie was also outfitted in an airbrushed t-shirt! They had the Nascar racing driver people autograph them and everything! CLASSAY! WOO!

7:06- Cereice offers us cheddar cheese party mix! We politely decline. Who knows what is in that mix?

Things get a little tricky to explain by timeline for a little bit...so I'll just write this out in paragraph form...

James Dobson begins the invocation...Cereice talks on her cell... Diamond Rio sings the national anthem... Cereice continues to talk on her cell... loud/cool military jets fly over the stadium/arena thing...Cereice talks on her cell. I'll tell you guys, I've about had it with Cereice. If I was already annoyed with Cereice, it certainly did not help things when Cereice lit her first cigarrette. Then another, and another, and another. When she finished her pack, I silently said a little prayer of thanks. It had become difficult to breathe. But alas, Cereice was prepared. She pulled out another pack. She enjoyed two packs of ciggies as well as a twelve pack of beer during the race. No wonder her skin was so strange looking.

Did I mention to you guys that we were on the FRONT row? This means that as the cars WHIZ by, the rubber tires begin to shed little bits of themselves. Rubber confetti. On my clothes. In my hair. In my lungs.

I think I also forgot to mention that a Nascar race is UNBELIEVABLY LOUD! I was not prepared in the least bit. Lucky for me, a nice drunkard a few seats to my right was smitten with me. He had an extra set of foam ear plugs. He winked as he passed them to me. I should have refused for sanitary purposes alone, but it was SO loud I had to accept. My ears still hurt today, so I can only imagine what they would have felt like without the plugs. I just hope they had never been used. Anyway, whenever my husband would go to the loo, I would be stuck sitting beside this man. He would stand THISCLOSE to me. EW! Oh well, you have to surrender your pride occasionally.

Anyway, on to the next thing...

The race goes on and on and on and on... lots of other extremely interesting things happen...

Then it's over.

We run to our car. We're in by 12:15. SCORE. Only... we're wedged in. We can't move an inch. I'm starving and stinky. I pretty much don't think life could get worse.

Until... life became unbelievably amazing.

Let me set the scene.

SUV of three 20-somethings to our right. Truck with man and rough looking woman in front of us.

Three 20-somethings yell to rough looking woman- "HAY sweet THANG! Wanna beer?"
Sweet Thang- "Tradeja beer fer a cigarette."
Three 20-somethings- "You come ower here babe."
Sweet Thang heads their way... Much rubbing over each other occurs- I am preparing myself to witness something completely inappropriate. I tell Nick to avert his eyes. They begin to rub her belly button and her arms and her booty. Lovely.
Sweet Thang rubs all over RINE (Ryan)... (I've picked up on their names by this point). She compliments him on his sleeve of tattoos that were most certainly obtained in a prison environment.
Sweet Thang heads back to her truck for unknown reasons. As she walks to her truck, she flips up the back of her tank top to reveal a large tattoo. Three 20-somethings hoot and get very excited.
Sweet Thang returns and asks the Three 20-somethings if they have been "to the big house" (a question with an obvious answer). She explains that she has been in the big house for a LAWNG time... not to our surprise...

Well, this did it for RINE. He was in LOVE.

He followed Sweet Thang to her truck. Backed her up against it. "DEAR LORD, PLEASE, PLEASE NO!" I scream.

Luckily, traffic that had been at a stand still for 2 hours begins to move. Two of the Three 20-somethings begin to yell for RINE to hurry so they could leave.

And some of you say God doesn't answer prayers...

RINE got Sweet Thang's number and promised to continue things where they left off. SHUDDER.

It takes us about an hour to get back to our hotel. I've never been so relieved in all my life.

Needless to say, I will not return to a Nascar race... even if it was intriguing...

I'll try to post some pictures later in the week...

Until then...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

MY LIFE!

2009-08-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

SO...

I haven't blogged in quite some time...

So I thought I would fill you guys in on what THE Undercover Blogger has been doing lately.

1) My brother broke his face and had to have plastic surgery to repair it. That pretty much sucked and was really scary. I pray that I never have a little athlete... I could NOT handle watching my child get hurt OVER and OVER and OVER again! I'll teach (or I'll PAY someone to teach) my sons how to play the piano. If I have sons. Piano is WAY more attractive to a girl that football. It proves dedication and commitment. I guess sports prove the same thing, but sports are dangerous and they make guys look all bulky. That's bad for their hearts. Piano nurtures the heart. Very Edward Cullen... which brings me to my next thing...

2) I've been reading New Moon and Eclipse. Is it sad that tween "literature" breaks my heart? Makes me cry? Haunts my dreams? Probably. I love it anyway.

3) COOKING. I had taken a break from cooking... but you guys all know what preservatives and additives do to this Undercover Blogger... THEY MAKE ME MAD! So I've been cooking dinner even when I am by myself. I love the whole process of shopping for healthy foods, preparing them into healthy meals, and I even love cleaning up the mess! No, this isn't helping my budget, but it IS helping my waistline. I celebrated with new jeans. Budget smudget.

4) "Observing" my arch enemy... I just go to his place of work and watch him be a freak. It's probably because he's angry about being married to a woman who doesn't go to the dentist. If you don't understand, you don't deserve to understand. LOSERS...sorry...I meant, FANS..... I simply cannot go into further detail because that would mean I was causing cyber drama. Personally, I am a fan of drama, but I will not indulge my enemies.

And that's all pretty much. My life is dull, but at least it's better than any of your lives.

XOXO,
-Undercover Blogger

Side Note

2009-08-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

I would like to let everyone know that I'm back to wearing eyeliner.

A few of you had expressed concern over my minimal makeup... a few of you even suggested I see a doctor, for an Undercover Blogger without makeup is quite an unsettling site.

BTW, I haven't even spoken a word about the previous post to L or A. They know not what I am thinking. Now THAT is unsettling! Well, for them, not me. I looooooooove secrets.

My friends don't have to know everything about me, do they? I have to keep SOME mystery. Like... I wouldn't admit it to anyone but my fans, but I probably consumed a 850 calorie lunch... possibly even more.

If you have any suggestions for keeping my calorie intake down, please send me a note straight away.

Thanks fans,

Undercover Blogger

OMG! OMG!

2009-08-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'M BEING TESTED.

THIS IS HARD.

Being good is more difficult than I had expected.

I can't help but wonder... when you say really really really nice things about a person that you don't care about either way... does that erase the rude comments you said about other people who probably deserve the things you say about them?

Wishfully wishing I hadn't wished to be nice,
Undercover Blogger

Greetings!

2009-08-06T08:35:00.001-07:00

Hello fans...

I was completely unable to sign into Blogger for a really long time. My apologies.

Why, when you're trying to be good/pure/kind and only say nice things about people, WHY do you have to run into women knitting Rastafarian PADS? Yes, you read that correctly... PADS... in RASTAFARIAN inspired colors... outside... for ALL TO SEE.

So... do you, dearest fans, think that God is testing me? If so, I'm kind of excited. Because if that's only the first of my challenges, think of all that is to come in terms of weirdos!

I suppose I failed that challenge though... BLIMEY RASTAFARIAN PADS!

Regards,
Undercover Blogger

Help?

2009-07-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

Friends, fans and blog creepers...

I have a confession... I can't budget. I mean I guess I CAN, but I really don't know how. I am actually blogging right now to ask for your help. Admitting to you all that I have a problem is the first step... so I'll explain a little...

We'll start off with my morning... which was a success...

1. I went to Starbucks to meet A... I resisted a skinny latte and went for a grande cup of coffee instead... WELL... since I had done so well and only spent $2 on a cup of coffee, I decided it would be acceptable to order a muffin... which brought my total to $5 something or another... could have ordered the latte after all... oh well...

2. I head to the cleaners to pick up clothes... $45 later, I am all set for pants for the week... for my husband... only... BUT they do SUCH a good job... AND they are just down the street! AND I tried one of those $2.99 cleaners once when I was trying to cool the spending... dealing with lost items and the fear I had while trying to pick up the lost items was just not worth it... AND they did not offer same day service...

3. I go to the library thinking I would check out some fun chick lit for the week... decided I would get all the books in a certain series... I had read the first one, but they only had number 3 in the series...

What do you think I did, fans? Do you think I put down numero tres in les series and helped myself to one of the other BAZILLION books in the library? NO! Of course not. I checked out #3 and headed to BAM to buy #2...and another book that looked cute... What can I say? Undercover Blogger wants what she wants...

4. I've had a long and busy day, and I just want to read #2 tomorrow. I decide to go to the grocery store so I can veg ALL day on Sunday... I purchase only enough items for my lunches, breakfasts, snacks, and ONE dinner for me and Darling Husband... the results were disappointing. I barely had ANY groceries... but somehow I spent $80.86. How?

So how do you people do it? HOW do you budget? How do you STICK to your budgets?

Please email me with helpful tips. Shopping at Wal-Mart and clipping coupons are not welcome suggestions. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. Wal-Mart is so far away, and coupons only apply to canned items and baby things.

These are my normal meals:

Breakfast: 1/4 cup of bluberries/1 container of yogurt/one slice of toast
Lunch: Lean cuisine/Kashi meal/Smartones meal (depending on what is on sale)
Snack: 1 bunch of grapes/Publix String cheese
Dinner: Boar's Head turkey or ham sandwich (common people deli meat upsets my delicate digestive system) /carrots/celery/cookieS/or a meal cooked with sale items from Publix/OR we eat out, but never anywhere that special.

I only buy the cheapest bottled water, I usually wait until I get to work to have coffee (this is not for cheap person reasons, I simply do not have time to make coffee for myself in the morning), I only buy like ONE bottle of wine per week and maybe a case of MGD 64 for my sweetie -he's trying to lose weight... we don't usually allow chips or crackers in our home...

I DOOOOOOO have to keep nice juices on hand for the hubs... and I will NOT buy juice with added sugar... so that adds up a little I guess... but who needs the extra calories?!?!

SO HELP? What do I do? Where am I going wrong? I plan my meals, I shop the circulars... I NEEDED those books... and I LIKE sitting outside at Starbucks...

Help me, fans... get me through a Saturday without decimating our checking account!

Anxiously awaiting your help,
Undercover Blogger

WHY?

2009-07-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

I don't go to lunch. Maybe once a month with a coworker or every 3-5 months with a friend. First of all, I don't like cold or hot weather, so winter lunches and summer lunches are COMPLETELY out of the question unless you come to one of the restaurants in my building...

ALSO, I don't like having to lose my precious shaded parking spot (I have to arrive approximately 30 minutes early to get that spot).

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I am a creature of habit... once I got in the routine of never going to lunch, it made me feel "off" when I did go to lunch, so now it's been two and a half years and I'm the girl who doesn't go to lunch. I'm probably skinnier because of it, but less cool too...

So when a complete stranger (I guess not a STRANGER exactly, but I've never met this woman in my life... I've only talked to her about problems I have with her invoices... and even that I've probably only done twice) calls and asks me to lunch, I get all weirded out. First of all, I tend to avoid meeting new people because I usually don't like them. Second, I think she just wants something... new business or something, not that I have any say in that...

I was good and avoided her call for a week... but I didn't feel like I could push it much further... so I called her back. Luckily, her office closes at noon on Friday. My normal reaction would be total jealousy, but I only felt a great source of relief knowing I had put it off for another day. WHEW! THEN Monday came and she didn't return my call. CHA-CHING! Then... Tuesday came... 8:06... she calls... DARN IT MY STUPID LUCK.

We're going to lunch on Thursday... in my building (thank goodness)...

One problem... I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE WOMAN! How will I know who she is? I think she's old...

SO... what is an Undercover Blogger to do? Should I stand by the door and wait for an old woman to walk in by herself? Do I call and ask her to carry a single red rose? Hold a sign like they do at the airport with her name on it?

Why do I have to go? WHY?

-Undercover Blogger

Mini Renovation

2009-07-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

Last week I decided to get a little CRAZY and do a 3rd of July HIDEOUS bathroom MAKEOVER...

Let me fill you in...

We moved into our home about a year and a few months ago... everything had been somewhat updated throughout the house... everything but our HIDEOUS bathroom...

I read a magazine article that explained you could make any bathroom livable... even one designed in the 60s... I thought "RRRIIIIGHT... any bathroom but mine..." I tossed it aside and didn't think much about it until the other day... the day that I decided a crowbar might make it livable... SO Darling Husband and I got to work (this is where his work ended though... he does not enjoy projects... unless they involve fish/deer/game).

Would you like to see? OF COURSE you would...

Here are some BEFORE shots...

Can I get an "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW?"

I went to work the next day with no plan in mind besides disguising the hideousness of this bathroom...A.S.A.P... Luckily, I work at a design firm... and Sweet Designer X helped pull together a plan that I could start AND complete in ONE DAY!!! WOOHOO! QUICKLY after work I drove to Home Depot/Lowe's/Homegoods/Target/T.J. Maxx to pick up all of my supplies...

The next morning I woke up (EARLY), sent DH on his way (fishing or something), and GOT TO WORK! WHOOP!

With a little (okay, quite a bit) of help from L, my mini bathroom reno was complete by the time I was ready for dinner (more of a Euro 9 p.m. dinner, but dinner nonetheless)!

Enjoy the AFTER shots... it might not inspire an OOOOH LALA in you... but hopefully at least a little ooh...

And here she is... my biggest achievement thus far in life... the light fixture L and I installed! Who needs a MAN'S help!??!?! NOT US. We are DIY GENIUSES!!!

Isn't the color combo a MAJOR improvement? If you have to have 1969 mustard tile, white and grey and silver DEFINITELY help disguise it.

Now... Give me a "HEEEEEELLLLLLZ YA!"

-Undercover Blogger

P.S. I am NOT a photog... I wish I could really convey how majorly this little project improved this bathroom...

OOOH and P.S.S..... Thanks L.....

Favorite Things

2009-07-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

Hello fans...

I know I promised you a least favorite things list, but I got to thinking...and... well, those least favorite things are probably some of your favorite things, and I feel just TERRIBLE about making you guys feel any worse about your lowly existence than you already do, so here are a few of my favorite things to inspire you to be more like me...

1. I LOATHE cream cheese in all things sweet. I LOVE anything with smoked salmon, cream cheese, and dill. DiVIne. MMM.

2. BUBBLE TOWN. aol.com --> games--> Bubble Town... I now need Bradford Rehabilitation for this HIGHLY addictive game...

3. Not wearing eyeliner... I look so natural. Next thing you know I'll be using that patchouli scented shampoo again...

4. O Kafes Coffee- fair trade, environmentally friendly, AND in my building... it's amazing how a $5 cappuccino can lift your spirits.

5. My new white curtains... my home feels very ethereal now... well, as ethereal as "dark" and "dungeon like" can feel...

6. Grey- The color is ALL they are talking about for fall. AND I love my new grey vanity (more to come on that later). And my painted grey tables... and frames... and clothes... it gives my skin a sallow appearance that keeps people away from me for fear they might come down with something.

7. Ice Cubes gum... it's just SO cute!

8. Condos...can you imagine the luxury of ENJOYING your home? No plants to water (or let die)... no yards to mow (or hire someone to mow)... less space to clean... no scary basement... less closets to check for murderers... PURE LUXURY...

9. Bright colors- I enjoy looking at anything orange, green, or yellow. Here are a couple of things in my house that are brightly colored. P.S... That little plant is in my entry area because the rest of my CAVE is too dark to give it the light it needs to produce chlorophyll/attempt photosynthesis.

10. Lady Gaga. Have I said this before? I can't recall. Mostly I love her for the same reasons I enjoy attachment parenting, Hare Krishna, and the FLDS. I love all things WEIRD.

SOOOOO there you go... some FAVES...

Check back later for the post about my mini bathroom reno!

-Undercover Blogger

Hello

2009-06-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

This was posted on a blog this weekend...

"Spotted: Undercover Blogger out and about, looking fabulous, and ignoring her fans."

Sorry fans, I'll post soon. A good post too... A LEAST FAVORITE THINGS POST!

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Swimmin' Suits

2009-06-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Hello fans.

My #1 Fan will not let me forget about my promise to post my feelings about swimsuits. So, for devoted fan, and all of my other fans, here you go...

I'll start with children. This is very simple. Parents out there... the SURE FIRE WAY to turn your daughter into a little redneck is to dress her in a bikini when she is like 4. I mean... people... really? Do you want a little Britney Spears? Do you want your child to be wearing a thong when she is 7? Tube tops... ever? Didn't think so. So DO NOT... UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES... EVER DRESS YOUR LITTLE GIRL IN A BIKINI. Stick to one piece frilly numbers.

Little boys are easy. We can skip them. They just wear their precious little trunks and run around like crazy.

Men... wear a shirt. Please. I don't care if it's hot. You're probably NOT hot, so let's keep a shirt on... unless you get in the water... then it's okay... but only in the water. You do not need to tan... who sees your bare chest? If people do see your bare chest, you're probably a redneck.

*FYI* If this is feeling a little overwhelming to you, you probably are a redneck.

Now... on to the most controversial... women...

Ladies... PAY ATTENTION HERE...I'll even number these for easy reading/copy and pasting for you to take to your next swimsuit fitting.

No two piece numbers after you have children. That's easy. I think you all can handle that. It's pretty obvious... at least I hope...
No two piece numbers if you are thinking of having children (it's just considerate to your future children).
No two piece numbers that are not covered by a cute little dress.
No one piece numbers that are not covered by a cute little dress.
No one or two piece numbers or any of those barely there/cutout one piece numbers if you plan on walking around. Wear a cute little dress.

I hope that you guys understand what I'm saying here... PLEASE WEAR SOMETHING OVER YOUR SUIT...

Let's face a fact here girls... we all have cellulite. Does that mean we should just embrace it and try to feel comfortable with our bodies? NO. NO WE MOST CERTAINLY SHOULD NOT! PLEASE COVER IT UP.

You're probably wondering what I say about going for a dip in the pool to cool off... I say DON'T DO IT. I don't do it. I simply drink a cool bottle of water and stay hydrated.

If you want to get in the ocean or the lake, go ahead. You'll probably die of some amoeba that swims in your ear, grows into your brain, and then explodes anyway, so just go about your business however you see fit.

So there we go. If you have any questions, you probably don't deserve an answer.

Happy summer!

Undercover Blogger

OMG! Could anything BE more disgusting?

2009-06-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

Fans,

As many of you know, I scavenge for coins. I use the coins to purchase peanut m&ms from the mail room in the afternoon.

My husband told me to stop because HE needs coins for drinks...

At first I was upset... THEN... I realized that it was time for me to boycott m&ms.

Why, fans? Well, that's because m&ms now come in a flavor that I would equate to PUKE or POOP CHUNKS in the break room...

STRAWBERRY PEANUT BUTTER.

GROSS! EWW! SICK!!!!!

Remember the painter lady who fixed my wall and ate a WHOLE JAR of peanut butter a day causing SERIOUS septic tank issues here at Casa de Undercover Blogger? Well, needless to say, I have not eaten peanut butter since then (and I probably NEVER will).

Mix peanut butter with imitation strawberry flavoring in a crunchy candy coated shell... could anything BE more disgusting?

Well, fans, I think I have sufficiently ruined your Saturday. Which is FINE BY ME because again, if you were not convinced that the universe hated me before, you DEFINITELY can be convinced today (haircut and blow dry during a STORM? WHY ME?).

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

First Ants... Then Pizza...

2009-06-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

So... we've already established the fact that the universe hates me...

BUT... just in case you fans were wondering if lady luck was on my side this week... well... SHE'S NOT.

My husband does not like pizza, so we NEVER get to eat it. Maybe twice a year if I BEG and cry... my loving friends know this about him, so sometimes I get a slice with them...

Much to my surprise, Darling Husband asked if I would like pizza for dinner on Tuesday night...of course I said YES... with tears in my eyes (happy tears). I ate the leftovers for lunch yesterday...

THEN... I come to work... and we're getting pizza for lunch. WHY? Why couldn't we have pizza for lunch at work in a month or two? Even I don't love pizza THAT much... BUT it would be rude to eat my SmartOnes Chicken Enchilada Suiza meal in the middle of a pizza meeting...

STUPID LADY LUCK... I BLAME YOUUUUU FOR MY "UNDERBUTT."

Whatever,

Undercover Blogger

Be back later to discuss swimsuits, redneck children, and SNAPPER!

No Bloggo

2009-06-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

So... in case you haven't noticed... I haven't blogged lately. I want to apologize, but honestly I've been too busy working and being sick. SOOO let's hope I FINALLY get better (although it definitely could be worse...) AND that work slows a little. But then I'm going to the beach this weekend and will not return until Thursday... so MAYBE then. But I doubt it because I'll have to catch up on work.

I have a headache.

BUT... you know you STILL love me even though I've ignored you fools!!!!

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

Adam Lambert is SO hot right now...

2009-05-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder if he'll be super famous...

I love him!

That's all for right now,

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

P.S... Do not google pictures of him. You'll find some things you wish you had not...

Favorite Things...YAY!

2009-05-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

No pictures in the post because that takes entirely too much time, and I'm having a busy day. You guys should just be pleased that I posted...

Now, my favorite things as of RIGHT NOW....

1. When the bathroom at work has soap, a functioning paper towel dispenser, AND adequate amounts of toilet paper... AND clean toilet seats... AND no strange liquid on the floor. Well, that's just a fantasy really... it will never happen. But I HAVE seen real hookers, people with no shoes, a woman pumping, and homeless people in there before. So that makes things interesting. I never know what to expect.

2. Real milk or cream in coffee. That powdered stuff is repulsive.

3. GETTING EMAILS FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE! I needed to ask THE Katie Bower a question... so I emailed her... and she REPLIED! I'm so speechless... go to her fantastic blog... prepare to be inspired... she's maybe the only person in the world who is weirder than THE Undercover Blogger! http://allbowerpower.blogspot.com/

4. Fish tacos. I know I'm probably so behind on this trend... but they are all I can think about...

5. Sweet Tucker Beam. I don't know him, but I have been following his story for over a year now. He is has cancer for the THIRD time and really needs your prayers. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tuckerbeam

6. Alone time. I need approximately 4 hours of this every single day. I'm not a people person. When I DO make plans, I always have an excuse to get out of it.

7. Eating breakfast. Eating snacks. Eating lunch. Eating snacks. Eating dinner. Eating dessert. That's SIX favorites for you guys all in one! FUN!

8. RAID. I love to kill bugs. This weekend I found a mama wolf spider. I know that's not a bug.... but I saw her and like a thousand of her baby spiders crawling all over the place in the basement... so I sprayed them... the babies died immediately, but stupid MAMA ran into a BLACK WIDOW'S WEB! Black WIDOW started attacking MAMA...I watched for a few minutes, but then I felt guilty for letting nature take it's course, so I put them BOTH out of their misery with a little bug spray.

9. Going to the grocery store while I am hungry. I know they tell you not to do this, but you TOTALLY wind up with more options...

10. Sleeping through the night. This very rarely happens, but it's SO luxurious when it does.

and a bonus...

11. My Sister's Keeper- Jodi Piccoult MIGHT be the worst author ever in the history of the world, but I do love her books. I can't help it. And NOW it's being made into a movie! And not a Lifetime one... a REAL movie!

-Undercover Blogger

A Weekend with Undercover Blogger

2009-05-17T17:12:00.000-07:00

So I have been receiving hundreds of emails from my adoring fans asking what a typical weekend with Undercover Blogger looks like...

I am always willing to oblige my fans... so... here is my weekend...

1. Friday- totally do not remember.

2. Saturdee- Undercover Blogger arises from peaceful slumber. Gets a couple of cups of coffee in her. Gets dressed. Goes to "Old Time Pottery Barn" with madre. Want to know what I got? Well, fans, I purchased a white bowl ($1), a little random thing (50 cent yo), a window cleaning thing ($1.50), and a cute little towel ($1). I was hoping to find white seat cushions and curtains.... but no luck. The lucky part came when we checked out... MADRE paid for my stuff! YA! Kewl.

Then, at my request, we head to LOWE'S. It's one of my favorite stores EVER. First of all they sell spray paint, and second of all they sell PLANTS. Container gardening is hands down Undercover Blogger's favorite hobby. Well... besides "sitting there" and "not doing a dern thing!" Anyway, my little bro joined us. Then we walked to the parking lot where I attempted to start my car.

NO SUCH LUCK.

Turns out that my spare key is actually part of some theft deterrent system that DAMAGES your FREAKING car if you use it without having all these little things tweaked or some stupid something like that. Great. Another downside of LOSING MY FREAKING KEYS.

Then we head to "Crackel Barrel" for a good COUNTRY lunch. Two fried okras, one hashbrown casserole, an order of green beans and a biscuit later... well, needless to say, this Undercover Blogger was STUFFED and ready for a nap. Only, that DID NOOOOTTTTT happen.

I head home. "Totally LUCKY Friend X" comes over and asks which PERFECT decision she should make. Also, "Totally LUCKY Friend Y" gets new furniture. Mazal tov, friends.

Then I start on some homework for some thing we have to do for work. From what I have gathered, they are trying to tell me that nothing I do is right and that I should change everything about myself. Fun.

WONDERFUL/PERFECT husband brings me wine. GRAZIE Sweet Husband!

Watch SNL season finale. To my delight, there was a NEW LAWRENCE WELK SKIT! ROTFL!!!!!

3. Sunday- Spend a delightful day with husband, grocery shop, do some more work homework, watch TAKEN, finally get around to hearing Spencer Pratt's rap song (hahahahahahaha), blog, wait for the HOUSEWIVES season finale... oh yes, and get ignored by an aardvark. Weird. You think an aardvark would be your friend, but really, fans, aardvarks are JERKS.

So there you go. I suppose I'm not as interesting as you guys thought. I'm a REAL person, just like every single one of you boring losers... er... FANS!

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Gross!

2009-05-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

I know that I am a hero to many of you out there. Heroes should be strong and resilient.

Fans, I have to break it to you... I'm just a wuss. Not with shots and things like that, but when it comes to gross things, I'm a really big baby. I'll go over just how wussy I am right now.

1. Last week we had raw sewage leak into our office. While everyone was trying to salvage what they could, I decided I would grab some carpet samples to throw down to absorb the water so as to prevent it from travelling to the actual carpet...

I've learned from visiting the nursing home how to breathe through your mouth so you don't gag on sick and unusual smells, but for some reason I accidentally breathed through my nose and began gagging and I nearly got sick. There were live poop chunks in our break room. It's not even like your baby's poop... this was STRANGER POOP. Other people tolerated it just fine, which makes me think that they are weird because how is stranger poop not gag worthy? Okay that was just so disgusting I need to stop remembering and discussing it...

Onto...

2. Yesterday my throat hurt REALLY BAD. REALLY REALLY REALLY bad. Actually, probably just more like bad. Well I went to the doctor to get a prescription for something to make me feel better... he prescribed an antibiotic and some sort of special gargling mouth stuff to numb my throat... when I realized it would take them an hour to make it I decided to go with the pharmacy tech girl's recommendation of Cloraseptic spray instead. Cha-ching! Cheap cheap cheap solution to my problem... Well, I tried to use it... it said to pump FIVE sprays into your throat and allow it to sit there for 15 seconds. No such luck. I did ONE spray and immediately lost it (not really, just more gagging).

Next...

3. Around 8 my darling husband came home and said he would pick up dinner so I wouldn't have to cook (the truth is he just didn't like any of the things I had to cook). I asked him to see if my pharmacy of choice would be able to make that mouth gargle after all because I could NOT tolerate the spray. Well they did. And of course the pharmacist who hates me said that he was pretty sure that I would not be able to handle this stuff. Well, my fans, he was right. I was like a little child being forced to take her medicine... husband man had to stand there while I worked up the courage to use this stuff... he finally gave up...

Let me explain why it was such a struggle for me...

I started with a sniff to see what it smelled like. Robitussin. Not too bad. Then I poured it into a little measuring cup... it looked like a melted strawberry milkshake. EW! I decide to try it anyway... you're supposed to gargle it in your throat for 15 seconds and then swallow it, leaving behind a numb and happy throat. I couldn't even get it IN my throat... I THOUGHT I was gargling it, but turns out I think I was just gargling my spit. I lost it again and all of the EXPENSIVE nasty stuff went down the drain... then I had a really numb tongue. And a painfully sore throat.

Finally...

4. Powdered sugar......is......... GROSS. You just don't understand until you have had as much experience with it as I have..... the smell penetrates the nostril and lingers..... and then you dry heave throughout the day because it's just THERE and it has a WEIRD smell. OMG NEVER get into cake decorating. You'll be sooooo sorry. I'm not really sorry because I'm a pretty talented cake decorator (with some help from another blogger who is NOT undercover).

That's all. I didn't want to let you guys down, but I felt I needed to be honest with my readers about my weaknesses. I know you guys have PLENTY of them (weaknesses). Don't worry though, tips on how to be more like me are on the way!

Have a great day!

-Undercover Blogger

My Mission

2009-05-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Now that I have a purpose in life, I felt that I should also have a mission... The following thoughts are how I decided on said mission...

Are you poor? Well, I wouldn't consider myself destitute exactly, but I do long for things... many things... I'm a material girl (or guy).

What does not help my situation at ALL is a trip to Wal-Mart (eeeesh) or Target (yeeeessss). Not only do I want to grab everything and head to the checkout (at Target, not so much at Wal-Mart), but I also have to purchase a lot of laundry detergent (I like to wash clothes a lot). And it's expensive. IF I had been smart and had arranged to be born a long time before I was... well, my fans, I could have struck it RICH. Good smelling watered down soap is a GOLD MINE.

Now first of all, I only use Tide. Original scent. All other detergents smell great for a few days, but Tide's fresh scent (and only Original) lingers for a REALLY long time...

But the stuff is $20 for a large and awkwardly shaped container that is entirely too heavy for me to carry to my laundry area (I'm so tiny and cute). So I go for the smaller container. Obviously, they like this. I'm a marketer's dream you might say. Add a pretty lid (sparkles!) or some new colors and, my fans, UNDERCOVER BLOGGER IS SOOOLD.

Then I also fill up the cart with some new Scrubbing Bubbles toilet gel thingies and Mr. Clean Fabreeze cleaner and Clorox toilet scrubbers and various other cleaning products... Fans, I could have bought something really good. Like Target curtains. Or seat cushions. Or 50 cans of spray paint... by the end of the month, I could have purchased a new chair! But alas, my fondness for good smells always wins...

So why is detergent so expensive? HMMMM? If I was like a cop or security guard or DMV employee I do not think I could afford it... maybe that's why they never really smell very good...

Polyester + Inferior Laundry Detergent = STANK.

My mission is this, and please feel free to join my cause...

"Mission NO STANK- Getting the Underprivileged into Natural Fibers"

To join in on the good cause, please feel free to email me!

XOXO,

-Undercover Blogger

My Purpose

2009-05-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

What is the purpose of life? We have all battled with this question. We want to know why we are here- are we a part of something bigger? Will I leave my mark on this world? Will anyone remember me in 50, 100, 500 years? Well, my fans, no longer do I battle with this question...

My purpose is clear...

I am to serve as a muse for the next great tragic author...

Let's being with a visual...

I pulled into the garage last night with thoughts of cookies dancing in my head. Salivating upon my arrival, I headed straight to the kitchen to find my treasured cookies covered in ants. Yes, that is correct, my cookies were devoured. By insects... Foreshadowing at it's finest my fans..."My guess is they'll be gone before the end of the night" (Undercover Blogger 5-12-2009).

The last dozen. Gone...not just gone...ANNIHILATED!

WHYYYY? WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO SUCH GOOD PEOPLE?

Never was a story of more woe

Than this of UNDERCOVER BLOGGER and her M&M cookies made with Oleo...

Until next time, my fans,

-Undercover Blogger

In remembrance of the cookies "Cooks" (A long time ago- May 12, 2009)

Mourning a loss...

2009-05-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

It is only human... we get attached to things that will not last forever. A favorite pair of jeans that will eventually become dated and faded, a piece of costume jewelry that will break, even a favorite shade of lipstick that will one day be discontinued just because it contains a little lead or rat poo.

This Undercover Blogger is attached to a certain grocery store that will soon close it's doors... and, my fans, you cannot imagine how difficult this will be for me.

I know it sounds strange, but I grew up going to this grocery store. It feels like home to me. I know where to find every item at every single one of their locations. I have my favorite checkout peeps... and my favorite rotisserie chicken... and the store brand of 100% cranberry juice...not to mention some great memories (getting excited about a trip JUST to buy Popsicles in the summer, running for that last can of chicken broth on Thanksgiving, collecting stamps for free towels... driving all over town to get the towels...) but most of all... OOOOOOOH, most of all I will miss their delicious m&m cookies =(

I love these cookies. Sure, they taste a little like plastic. No, they are not made with wheat flour and carob chips. Yes, they are supremely unhealthy. But I love them... and always have.

Last night, with tears in my eyes, I parked my car at the store. I went straight to the little rotisserie chicken area only to find that they were no longer supplying them... so with fear in my heart, I walked quickly to the bakery area... and there they stood... glimmering in a sea of nasty peanut butter cookies and lame-o chocolate chip cookies... MY m&m cookies. I grabbed them, held them close for a moment, and then checked out with my prize. I took them home and gobbled up 6 (whoops) and my adorable husband inhaled 4. So now we're left with 12 treasured cookies. My guess is they'll be gone before the end of the night. I'll never be able to replicate the taste... and nothing, not even some eclair covered in ganache from a French patisserie, will ever take their place.

Let's not even get me started on the store I will be forced to shop in from now on. They thrive on customer service. I don't want to yuck it up with the fruit lady at 5:30. I don't want to taste the ham I have had a thousand times. And I DON'T want help out to my car (they might discover that my trunk is a storage place for clearance Depends to take to the nursing home...). I don't want to battle the after work crowds or the afternoon crowds or the Saturday morning crowds, squeezing down packed aisles...

SIIIIIIIGHHHHH........

To everything there is a season... farewell beloved cookies...

Sadly,

-Undercover Blogger

Quick Morning Thought...

2009-05-12T06:31:00.000-07:00

Now you all know I don't like to be mean...

BUT...

When they say you shouldn't fight curl, they mean you shouldn't fight PRETTY curl. Or bouncy beach waves. Or that really frizzy tightly curled curl (the end result is almost always terrifying). They don't mean ugly curl.

FIGHT IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IN YOU.

I fight curl everyday and never have a problem. The right products and equipment help... in fact, they make it quite easy for me to have shiny and smooth hair.

Here is my tip: If you resemble a poodle that was struck by lightning and people stare at you all day or say things like "Oh...your hair is curly" or "OH...look at your hair..." purchase a flat iron PRONTO. And wake up earlier. We all have to make sacrifices to be beautiful.

Oh... and FOR THE LOVE PEOPLE, PLEASE do not use that crunchy gel. It's just weird.

Stay tuned for an afternoon post.

-Undercover Blogger

Reader Request

2009-05-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

Before I get to blogging, I would like to apologize to all for the blog’s slow load time. All of the hits it has been getting has overwhelmed its current server, so we’re moving it to a few new ones and will have proper load balancing set up shortly. My computer guys are working on it now. Until then, do some stress relieving breathing (OOOOOMMMMMMMM), and wait for the site to load...

Over the weekend, I received MANY emails regarding topics that some of my most loyal fans would love to have me blog about.

Here is the email I have chosen for blogging purposes (some of the emails I get are just a little off the wall, so I had to choose a tame one- this IS a PG blog after all):

"Undercover Blogger,

Please blog about your favorite television shows and why you love them so much.

Thank you.

You are my hero."

-Anonymous

Well, Anonymous... here you go...

1. Gossip Girl. I love Gossip Girl for too many reasons to name. Mostly, I love a good, old-fashioned misunderstood character (a.k.a. Chuck Bass). People think he is evil and devoid of a soul. But this is simply a false assumption. Chuck Bass is a man of great complexity and no one "gets" him. Only Blair (his LOBSTER if you are familiar with Friends) can see Chuck for who he is deep down. The main reason I love G.G. is that I wish I had their clothes. Not Jenny's though...eeeeeeesh. OH AND I think the show is hilarious. And did I mention the totally hot cast???

2. Ugly Betty. This is my kind of humor. Quirky, smart, and quite dramatic for a comedy.

3. Number THREEZO is a tie. Grey's and Private Practice. Now I know a lot of you out there have decided you're too good for Grey's Anatomy... that it's sooooo over. And I also know a lot of you think Private Practice is TOO dramatic (impossible in my book). But I'll tell you the reason I love these shows. They make me cry. AND they keep me tense.

Here is a list of Honorable Mentions:

-Desperate Housewives

-Lost (before this year)

-24 (before this year)

-Saving Grace

-Law and Order:CI AND SVU

Please try to catch one or all of these shows next year as the seasons are over or will be over this week. SO SAD.

You know you love me,

Undercover Blogger

My Favorite Things

2009-05-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

Emails are flooding my inbox... "Undercover Blogger, tell us about some of your favorite things!" "Undercover Blogger, what is it that you love?" "Undercover Blogger, tell us how we can be more like you!"

I love to give my readers what they want... my extensive fan base, after all, did get me where I am today...

1. Sparkling or Still? SPARKLING.

2. SOS Pads- these guys help me out ALL the time. I love how they restore my stove to shiny and new with just a little elbow grease and my cute pink gloves (steel wool will destroy your hands without them)!

3. Venus Disposable Razors- you cannot ask for a closer shave AND they are so gentle on sensitive skin! Combine them with Skintimate Shave Gel, and you have the perfect shave!

4. Lorac- They make the best shadows. I do not like to spend a lot of time on blending and all that mess, so I just pick a simple shimmery shade and I think I almost always look fantastic.

5. Haircuts- I go faithfully every 6-8 weeks. Luckily my natural shade is the envy of almost all, so no color is required. My stylist is amazing and can somehow cut it where my hair never has frazzled ends, so technically I could push it out another week, but I just like going. My salon is cute.

6. Speaking of blue... I'll throw in a Blue Moon... I now like to sit on my deck with DH and enjoy a refreshing drink. With an orange slice of course.

7. Cute little plants in white planters placed all over the house- I think I will try to replicate this one on Saturday...

8. HEBREW NATIONALS. These deserve an OMG. When you have a craving, just give in. No other brand will do. I like to eat three. With mustard.

9. David Gray- Who doesn't love David Gray? It's convenient that they have been playing his music with great frequency on 100.5.

10. The Real Housewives of New York City. People cannot really behave like these women. Now it's over though, so I guess I have to find some other train wreck to watch...

So there you go... a few of my favorite things.

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

LOST

2009-05-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever lose things? I don't. Seriously. I just DO NOT lose things...

Until last week. I woke up one morning to find my keys missing... I looked around for about 5 minutes before I decided to grab my spare, figuring I would look for them later so I could still be a little early for work (I wanted to be early so I could leave early to read my book about weird cult people... no offense if you are in a cult... I want this to be a friendly blog for all to enjoy). Well, it's been a week now...

The keys are STILL missing. My amazing car key that you stick into the dash... gone. My key to the office... gone. My key to the house... gone. My Winn Dixie Rewards Card... gone. My library card... gone. Thank goodness I have an unusual organization system and my CVS card is in my wallet...

But worst of all... and this is bad... my alarm keypad is GONE. Not only was that thing a little costly, but I am beyond paranoid that it has fallen into the hands of a cannibal or axe murderer or cult leader who can now sneak into my home and force me to wear my hair in unsightly fashions...

What's a girl to do? Any tips are unwelcome. Just find my keys for me. NOW!

I CANNOT LOOK LIKE THESE WOMEN!

-UNDERCOVER BLOGGER

The ABC's of UB

2009-05-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

Though my true identity is wrapped in a shroud of mystery, please enjoy a few clues while reading the ABC's of me... the UNDERCOVER BLOGGER.

A - Age: 24

B - Bed size: Queen.

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the oven!!!

D - Dog's name: We do not have a pet =(

E - Essential start your day item: A long shower and no less than 3 cups of coffee...

F - Favorite color: SPRING colors... coral, green, orange, pink, yellow.... so fun!

G - Gold or Silver: Silver... candlesticks, a pretty tea service, cute mint julep cups, big silver trays...

H - Height: 5'-2"

I - Instruments you play: Sadly, none. I do, however, play several air instruments very well.

K - Kid(s): None so far!

L - Living arrangements: My husband and I live on (UN)arguably the most "unique" street in Birmingham!!!!

M - Mom's name: Mom/Diane

N - Nicknames: Undercover Blogger/ Lou

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None...thank goodness....

P - Pet Peeve: I am a pillar of patience ;)

Q - Quote from a movie: “You serious Clark?"

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: Jordan- little brother. So cute!

T - Time you wake up: 5:45-6:00 when I'm lucky. I have slept until 9:30 before.

U- Underwear: Yes. Cotton. Often times they are quite granny in nature.

V - Vegetable you dislike: Asparagus... we eat them a lot though because my husband LOVES them.

W - Workout style: NOT working out!

X - X-rays you've had: teeth/back/knee/chest

Y - Yummy food you make: Pork Chops alla Pizzaiola with cavatappi and sauteed zucchini... and of course CAKE!

Z - Zoo favorite: Snow cones, TIGERS, sea lions

Until next time...

-Undercover Blogger