A few days late...
This year I'm giving thanks for so many things (family, husband, friends, food, a house, clothing, running water, my good looks), but this year I am especially grateful for my puppies.
Why?
They get me out of doing so many things... Oh! I need to be there at 5:30? Sorry, I can't! The dogs have to eat! 8:30? Oh... the dogs have to poop! Breakfast? ABSOLUTELY NOT! The dogs need to eat AND poop! Bliss, truly bliss. Excuse after excuse to stay home.
Weight loss- if I did not walk those crazy creatures, they would be even crazier! This is a plus for me as I get some extra exercise!
My house is a disaster. Why is this a good thing? It's taught me that no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever be perfect (or even close!). This is a lesson I'm glad to have learned at 26 instead of 45. When you learn it in your 40s, your whole life crumbles, and then you're depressed for the rest of your life.
Also, the doggies make me laugh ALL THE TIME! Even when they are bad... they make me laugh!
I've toughened up a bit... a little bite here, a few bruises there...
CHAOS. I realized that it will be a few years before I can just sit on my couch for more than a minute or two. If I want to read a book, I have to sit at the table. A movie is out of the question. A tv show may be viewed when I go to bed. Although this is a little tiring, it keeps me moving, moving, moving!
Anther fun thing about dogs is that they desensitize you to all things gross. Have I been snuggled with my Ollie boy when a little diarrhea slips out and onto me? Yes. Has Millie barfed all over my house? Of course. Have they brought in a dead squirrel that I had to bury in an empty beer case? ABSOLUTELY! But you know what? These things are humorous when I look back...
So this year I am giving thanks for a heart exploding with LOVE, a year full of LAUGHTER, and HAPPINESS beyond comparison!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!
UB
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
People Need to CHILLAX
So I've noticed a recurring trend- people are TOO UPTIGHT.
While I'm a rules kind of girl (I have to eat 100% of my daily fiber and I don't do drugs, yeah those are kind of my only rules.. oh and I think all people should wear seasonally appropriate attire (i.e. no flip flops in December, even if it's hot out), I still think people should just take a chill pill...
Examples...
- If your dog eats your shoes (happened this morning) say "NO PSYCHO DOG! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE J.CREW FLATS! YOUR DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME WHEN I TELL HIM I NOT ONLY MUST REPLACE THEM, BUT THAT I ALSO HAVE TO PAY FOR OVERNIGHT SHIPPING BECAUSE I CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT THEM AND I'VE ALREADY SPENT A BLOODY FORTUNE ON CLOTHES LATELY!" THEN go to your computer and shop. Because you know what? They are shoes. Shoes... replaceable...
- Let your freakin kids eat candy... let them stay up late... the only RULE should be to just be nice and respectful of others. If you are too uptight with your kids, they grow up to hate you, then they move away, then you die alone in a bottom of the line nursing home and your kids never come to visit. And you kind of deserve it.
- Wear pajamas all day. Skip your workout every now and then to get a CHEESEBURGER. Spend your money on things you like... your savings only comes in handy when those children put you in the home...
- Splurge on something you LOVE- this would be bumble and bumble shampoo and conditioner for me. Something about washing my hair with shampoo that costs more than most people spend on a new purse makes me happy.
- Go to Whole Foods every now and again to get a non-dinner dinner... wine, cheese, olives, and a baguette. Savor every bite.
- Let the dogs on the furniture. "DOG HAIR, OMG! OMG! I HATE DOG HAIR!" Quit whining, people. Why did you get dogs? Get a dog figurine if you don't want to cuddle. Again... if you die with perfect furniture... what the heck does it matter? It's furniture.
I could go on and on and on, but it's time to go sit on my deck in my pajamas.
XOXO
UB
While I'm a rules kind of girl (I have to eat 100% of my daily fiber and I don't do drugs, yeah those are kind of my only rules.. oh and I think all people should wear seasonally appropriate attire (i.e. no flip flops in December, even if it's hot out), I still think people should just take a chill pill...
Examples...
- If your dog eats your shoes (happened this morning) say "NO PSYCHO DOG! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE J.CREW FLATS! YOUR DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME WHEN I TELL HIM I NOT ONLY MUST REPLACE THEM, BUT THAT I ALSO HAVE TO PAY FOR OVERNIGHT SHIPPING BECAUSE I CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT THEM AND I'VE ALREADY SPENT A BLOODY FORTUNE ON CLOTHES LATELY!" THEN go to your computer and shop. Because you know what? They are shoes. Shoes... replaceable...
- Let your freakin kids eat candy... let them stay up late... the only RULE should be to just be nice and respectful of others. If you are too uptight with your kids, they grow up to hate you, then they move away, then you die alone in a bottom of the line nursing home and your kids never come to visit. And you kind of deserve it.
- Wear pajamas all day. Skip your workout every now and then to get a CHEESEBURGER. Spend your money on things you like... your savings only comes in handy when those children put you in the home...
- Splurge on something you LOVE- this would be bumble and bumble shampoo and conditioner for me. Something about washing my hair with shampoo that costs more than most people spend on a new purse makes me happy.
- Go to Whole Foods every now and again to get a non-dinner dinner... wine, cheese, olives, and a baguette. Savor every bite.
- Let the dogs on the furniture. "DOG HAIR, OMG! OMG! I HATE DOG HAIR!" Quit whining, people. Why did you get dogs? Get a dog figurine if you don't want to cuddle. Again... if you die with perfect furniture... what the heck does it matter? It's furniture.
I could go on and on and on, but it's time to go sit on my deck in my pajamas.
XOXO
UB
Monday, September 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
ARG!
Fans-
If you ever see me eating something and it looks like I'm enjoying it, HIT ME! TAKE MY PLATE FROM ME! THROW IT AWAY!
We had a lunch party at work today... Golden Rule... I ate less than a half cup of chicken, two teaspoons of sauce, 1/4 cup of vinegar based slaw, three tablespoons of macaroni and cheese, and three tablespoons of beans. Dessert was this ice cream thing a man's wife makes. That small amount of food was DOUBLE the amount of weight watchers points I'm allowed in a day. SOOOOO that means lettuce for the next few days. I know I gained all my weight back that I had lost.
I have to get control over myself.
This is my diet for the next week- only salads, yogurt, and fiber one cereal and/or bars.
I want to cry. Food is the only thing that makes me happy. Don't feed me any of that "friends make you happy" or "GO TO A PARK!" or "have a long conversation with your husband" crap. Everyone knows those things SUCK compared to a slice of pizza or a blizzard.
Warning, fans... there isn't a single one of you who I wouldn't gladly trade in for just a taste of pepperoni. Remember that. Consider yourself lucky if I even acknowledge your existance.
In the mood to make someone CRY,
UB
If you ever see me eating something and it looks like I'm enjoying it, HIT ME! TAKE MY PLATE FROM ME! THROW IT AWAY!
We had a lunch party at work today... Golden Rule... I ate less than a half cup of chicken, two teaspoons of sauce, 1/4 cup of vinegar based slaw, three tablespoons of macaroni and cheese, and three tablespoons of beans. Dessert was this ice cream thing a man's wife makes. That small amount of food was DOUBLE the amount of weight watchers points I'm allowed in a day. SOOOOO that means lettuce for the next few days. I know I gained all my weight back that I had lost.
I have to get control over myself.
This is my diet for the next week- only salads, yogurt, and fiber one cereal and/or bars.
I want to cry. Food is the only thing that makes me happy. Don't feed me any of that "friends make you happy" or "GO TO A PARK!" or "have a long conversation with your husband" crap. Everyone knows those things SUCK compared to a slice of pizza or a blizzard.
Warning, fans... there isn't a single one of you who I wouldn't gladly trade in for just a taste of pepperoni. Remember that. Consider yourself lucky if I even acknowledge your existance.
In the mood to make someone CRY,
UB
Friday, September 3, 2010
Friday Night Alone
Stupid stupid allergies have left me pretty miserable for the majority of the past couple of days... blablabla, I'm home alone because I do not like being around people when I am sick, blabla, husband went to dinner with a friend.
So... I take some medicine to make me feel better... I still do not feel great, but I have ENERGY. I mean ENERGY. Thank GOD.
But anyway, all that just brings me to my story...
I cleaned and cleaned all night and had yet to use all my weight watchers points for the day (I'm getting rather good at saving them for a couple of vodkas at the end of the night), so I decided to make a piece of light toast and herbal tea... I let the dogs out... then something came FLYING into the house. I cannot be responsible for the words that came out of my mouth, for this was not an insect I was used to seeing. It was a praying mantis.
Well, I thought I could be brave and save it, but when I walked up to catch it, IT TURNED IT'S FREAKING HEAD. RIGHT AT ME! It FREAKING LOOKED AT ME.
"Oh, NO! OH NO!" I screamed as I ran for my Dyson. The love of my life. I kept thinking "Save the bug, don't be a weenie. SAVE THE BUG." But you all know what I did... I SUCKED IT INTO THE DYSON.
Then my anxiety kicked in and I FREAKED and was sure that stupid bug was going to escape and fly around and make this the worst night of my life (mountains of puke and turds stuck to dog beds did not help things either). So I just had to vacuum. The whole house. That way the bug would have to die. Right? Right? I don't know!
After researching the praying mantis, I've come to find that it is indeed evil and deserves to die. So I've done the world a favor...
You're welcome,
UB
So... I take some medicine to make me feel better... I still do not feel great, but I have ENERGY. I mean ENERGY. Thank GOD.
But anyway, all that just brings me to my story...
I cleaned and cleaned all night and had yet to use all my weight watchers points for the day (I'm getting rather good at saving them for a couple of vodkas at the end of the night), so I decided to make a piece of light toast and herbal tea... I let the dogs out... then something came FLYING into the house. I cannot be responsible for the words that came out of my mouth, for this was not an insect I was used to seeing. It was a praying mantis.
Well, I thought I could be brave and save it, but when I walked up to catch it, IT TURNED IT'S FREAKING HEAD. RIGHT AT ME! It FREAKING LOOKED AT ME.
"Oh, NO! OH NO!" I screamed as I ran for my Dyson. The love of my life. I kept thinking "Save the bug, don't be a weenie. SAVE THE BUG." But you all know what I did... I SUCKED IT INTO THE DYSON.
Then my anxiety kicked in and I FREAKED and was sure that stupid bug was going to escape and fly around and make this the worst night of my life (mountains of puke and turds stuck to dog beds did not help things either). So I just had to vacuum. The whole house. That way the bug would have to die. Right? Right? I don't know!
After researching the praying mantis, I've come to find that it is indeed evil and deserves to die. So I've done the world a favor...
You're welcome,
UB
Sunday, August 29, 2010
My BOY!
My sweet, sweet, sweet boy. Darling Oliver. I love him so...But I don't think he likes children. We were in doggy class yesterday, and this STUPID little BRAT child was distracting my angel. He was just trying to learn, and she was walking around, being a little idiot. Plus she wasn't particularly cute. So you know what? He let her have it. He barked a bark I've never heard before... ANGRY! LOUD! She jumped and almost cried. And I did not scold him. SHE GOT WHAT WAS COMING.
Why would you take your children to doggy school? One couple brings their baby, and she behaves perfectly well. She watches her gorgeous dogs obey their father. She giggles and is sweet. Sometimes the trainer will have her walk around to distract the dogs, but they all like her. Because she's cute. But bring out the dumb (and my dumb I mean uggo, whiny) children, and the dogs go crazy. What does this say? Oh yes, pretty people win, again.
So maybe I'm awful, but you know I'm right. The facts are the facts.
XOXO-
UB
OH! P.S. I've switched back to black coffee. If gin makes me swoon, I can drink black coffee to be skinny. AND BE SKINNY I WILL!
Why would you take your children to doggy school? One couple brings their baby, and she behaves perfectly well. She watches her gorgeous dogs obey their father. She giggles and is sweet. Sometimes the trainer will have her walk around to distract the dogs, but they all like her. Because she's cute. But bring out the dumb (and my dumb I mean uggo, whiny) children, and the dogs go crazy. What does this say? Oh yes, pretty people win, again.
So maybe I'm awful, but you know I'm right. The facts are the facts.
XOXO-
UB
OH! P.S. I've switched back to black coffee. If gin makes me swoon, I can drink black coffee to be skinny. AND BE SKINNY I WILL!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I finally got what was coming...
Fans,
All my life I have been the skinny girl. The girl who never had to worry about her weight (cellulite, maybe, but not weight). In fact, whenever I would see 110 on the scale, I would diet until I got back to 105 or so. I'm not telling you guys this to make you jealous. It was simply who I WAS. The lucky little girl...
UNTIL THIS YEAR! 15 pounds just snuck their way onto my petite frame. I was SHOCKED. I am not a girl who weighs 120 pounds. I do NOT wear a size four. These things cannot happen to ME! But alas, fans, my metabolism has slowed...
So I think "I'll lose this weight quickly! I've never had to try before! I'll just workout every single day! No biggie." I did. And I have yet to lose a pound.
FRIDAY comes... the yearly doctor's visit... the doctor, in the kindest way possible, told ME- ME! that I needed to lose weight. Panic. Shock. Devastation. I think to myself "It's okay, you're smaller than 90% of the world's population, calm down." Dr. S then said, "let's check those thyroid levels, this is concerning." WHAT?!?!?! I'm pretty sure he just did this to make me feel better about gaining, so I went out into the little area where they do all the blood work (I just know everyone in that area thought I must be testing for STDs or something, so I explain to them all that it's a thyroid thing...I probably made myself look really dumb, but you all know how I worry).
So fans, here I go. I'm giving up all that is good and pure in my life- bread as a side, WINE, and fried foods. Just until October 15th. A girl can't make it through a long, temperate winter without her pinot...
If this can happen to me, fans, it can certainly happen to you. Quickly, before you have this experience at the doctor, give up everything that makes you happy. DENY, DENY, DENY yourselves the small pleasures in life (large blizzards, rolls, and booze). It's so much better than having a room full of women looking at you and thinking you have VD.
Becoming more miserable by the day,
UB
All my life I have been the skinny girl. The girl who never had to worry about her weight (cellulite, maybe, but not weight). In fact, whenever I would see 110 on the scale, I would diet until I got back to 105 or so. I'm not telling you guys this to make you jealous. It was simply who I WAS. The lucky little girl...
UNTIL THIS YEAR! 15 pounds just snuck their way onto my petite frame. I was SHOCKED. I am not a girl who weighs 120 pounds. I do NOT wear a size four. These things cannot happen to ME! But alas, fans, my metabolism has slowed...
So I think "I'll lose this weight quickly! I've never had to try before! I'll just workout every single day! No biggie." I did. And I have yet to lose a pound.
FRIDAY comes... the yearly doctor's visit... the doctor, in the kindest way possible, told ME- ME! that I needed to lose weight. Panic. Shock. Devastation. I think to myself "It's okay, you're smaller than 90% of the world's population, calm down." Dr. S then said, "let's check those thyroid levels, this is concerning." WHAT?!?!?! I'm pretty sure he just did this to make me feel better about gaining, so I went out into the little area where they do all the blood work (I just know everyone in that area thought I must be testing for STDs or something, so I explain to them all that it's a thyroid thing...I probably made myself look really dumb, but you all know how I worry).
So fans, here I go. I'm giving up all that is good and pure in my life- bread as a side, WINE, and fried foods. Just until October 15th. A girl can't make it through a long, temperate winter without her pinot...
If this can happen to me, fans, it can certainly happen to you. Quickly, before you have this experience at the doctor, give up everything that makes you happy. DENY, DENY, DENY yourselves the small pleasures in life (large blizzards, rolls, and booze). It's so much better than having a room full of women looking at you and thinking you have VD.
Becoming more miserable by the day,
UB
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