Beauty on a BUDGET!

Fans, you're in luck. I'm here today to tell you of my favorite BEAUTY PRODUCTS as of RIGHT NOW! I believe you will find that these products are all very affordable and can be obtained quite easily from your nearest mall or drugstore!

My Corioliss Flat Iron! Of course this was a gift from my darling mother... it's pink and HOTT! She fell for the speech of the mall salesperson... and for that, fans, I am grateful! At $150 it's not THE cheapest option, but we've all tried the $40 version... let's face it... the $40 version is a disappointment...

Lancome Le Crayon Khol- I'm sitting here imagining what my life would be like if I had to use CoverGirl Eyeliner. It's too horrific a thought to imagine. Everything about this liner is perfect. PERFECT! It will put you back $23.50, but I promise it's worth it! Drugstore eyeliner is $7 or $8 anyway...

Neutrogena Lip Moisturizer- Light, flavorless, protects my sensitive lips from the sun... $3!

Johnson's Body Care 24 Hour Lotion- this smells amazing, and at $4, it's a steal!

Neutrogena Pore Refining Cleanser- I have used this product for YEARS and the dermatologist recommends it- Alpha and Beta Hydroxy acids gently exfoliate the skin... it's fabulous, especially at $8!

bareMinerals- What beauty favorites list would be complete without this? Mineral makeup has truly reinvented our outlook on beauty. I never thought it would cover well, but it does. And there is a product for any problem your skin might encounter- acne, dryness, oiliness, oldness, etc...This kit is maybe $60 or so, and after that, you only pay about $30 every few months to add to your collection. Not too shabby!

Lancome Bi-Facil Double Action Eye Makeup Remover- So gentle, so wonderful, so NECESSARY. One swipe of this product and your eyeliner and mascara are GONERS! I don't believe I've ever paid for this as it's in every free gift Lancome gives, but I think it's about $20 if you do purchase it.

Lorac Concealers- It's a pity, but I'm cursed with dark circles under my eyes. When I discovered this product in 2002, I was HOOKED. A little pot is only $15 or so and it lasts for a year, maybe more.

Paul Mitchell Hair Products- Affordable (ULTA usually has a buy two get one deal that allows you to get out of the door for around $40). Fantastic. Dependable. I know I've talked of these products before, but friends and fans, you should go out today and pick up a few. Your life will change. Your hair will shine and be at peak health. I suggest the entire line of volumizing products, the STRENGTH weekly hair treatment, and the gloss drops!

Afrin- A beauty product? Yes fans, it keeps you from being all boogery. $5.

Visine- It takes the red out! Please don't walk around with red eyes like a vampire or pothead. We know it's the ragweed, but we can't help but wonder otherwise...

$5. Truly friends, if you have spent the whole night crying over an episode of Grey's, no one will have a CLUE in the morning!

Clearasil Astringent- This smells a little funky, but I like to use it twice a day for ultra clean pores...$3+cotton balls.

Cetaphil Moisturizer- I became hooked on this stuff when I was taking Accutane (my all time favorite beauty treatment). It's gentle and comes in a variety of richness factors- ultra light all the way to DEEPLY moisturizing! $10.

Well, fans, I hate to stop there as I could continue for HOURS... but I must... I'll save the rest for another day.

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

Bessemer

I would simply like to take a moment to express my feelings toward the city of Bessemer, Alabama. It's repulsive. Truly. I would go so far as to say I will no longer drive past the Galleria in an attempt to forget that it exists. Possibly not even to Patton Creek.

While it is full of happy memories and it WAS sad to leave, the drug dealers, prostitutes and thieves will keep me at bay.

Why do people choose to allow their homes to go to heck? Tall grass, weeds, etc... and it's not because they are busy at work. No, no sir. It's because they are busy sitting there on their front porches causing a ruckus. A 2 p.m. ruckus that requires a police visit. TWO, to be exact.

And to top it off, the charming drug addict across the alley from my grandmother's house decided to break in the little shed used to house old Christmas decorations, a bike, my grandfather's beloved tennis rackets, and the little table I so desperately needed to fit between my new white chairs and steal it ALL!

I do admire my fearless mother who simply walked across the street and demanded these items be returned. And returned they were. My mother can be...well, extremely intimidating/terrifying =)

Bessemer took up the majority of your UB's time this weekend, so I don't have much else to say.

I do have to give Aardy some credit for reminding me that Bessemer DOES have a super highway AND a Bob Sykes. Haha! Aardy is a card...

Later,
-UB


P.S. My silly home computer has a virus. BUMMER.

Shoe Problem

Fans,

I'm in a bit of a quandary.

In my utter state of despair yesterday, I thought I would just order a few pick me ups. So I did. And it did pick me up. When it came time to order my shoes from JCrew... well that, fans, is when I ran into my problem.

My $12 problem I'm calling it. Or more like my $24 problem.

I was going to order these little flats.

I kind of thought they would just go with everything. Plus there was free shipping on orders of $100. But these were only $98. So shipping was then $12 for a quarter pound of SHOES. Probably less than that even. And then taxes were $12 which is not accurate. So I didn't order them. Why, UB, did you not just find a pair of tights or a cute bangle to through in your bag, you are wondering? I was sick and not thinking clearly, that's why.

So then I decided to just order the upgrade. These flats.


But then I forgot. I was busy yesterday. And distracted by my man cold/allergies.

Now the free shipping promotion is over, so I can't even order the crackle flats. I'm just kind of against paying for shipping unless I have another promotional offer.

I logged onto Piperlime to see if there was another option. And I found these. But they are... GASP... SYNTHETIC. And $35. I know that's like a $100 price reduction, but can I do it? Can I sell my soul to the vinyl devil and live in $35 shoes for the next 4 or so months?

I suppose I'll keep looking for a bit, but I think I'll just wind up paying the BLIMEY shipping.

XOXO
-Undercover Blogger

OOPS

Turns out I don't have a cold- I am having some bad allergy problems. Or so I'm told.

I did get the cortisone shot that's supposed to make me feel better... LIES! LIES I TELL YOU!
Maybe I feel about 15% better. Of course that might be accurate because I've slept for about a total of two to three hours in the past 48/64 hours... and I'm not expecting to catch up on any missed zzzz's tonight either. So perhaps I AM feeling better... simply unaware of the improvements due to my lack of sleep.

"How dull" you are probably thinking... I shall quit bothering you with the details...

The purpose behind this midnight post: I'm here to repent.

Dearest, closest friends and fans... I went back on my word (about how I SWORE I would not think I had any severe medical issues until at least December)...

As I sat watching late night television (late for me) my feet and lower legs became numb.

I've now researched Guillain-Barre Syndrome as a result of a cortisone injection- very unlikely as they use cortisone to TREAT Guillain-Barre... but Guillain-Barre CAN be caused by a respiratory infection... I guess we will know in the morning.

If the steroids were not helping, this WebMD search SURELY has not helped soothe me into a peaceful slumber...

At the moment I'm perusing the support groups of people who have had lumbar punctures (one of the tests required for Guillain-Barre)... I DON'T WANNA!

Anyway, I suppose I'll go... some movie featuring Beyonce as a gospel singer is starting...

Sorry friends, didn't mean to stir my cyberchondria pot... but I did, and I felt guilty...

XOXO,
UB

Undercover Blogger Gets a COLD!

Hello Fans.

It's true. I have been sick. Since Friday!

This is the second time, maybe third, that I have been sick this year. I did promise a few friends that I would not think I was dying until at least December, so in the attempt to resist googling immunosuppressant diseases, I have decided to do something productive.

I will explain to you guys how I, Undercover Blogger, beat a cold. I hope this helps you one day.

1. Buy a bottle of Tylenol Cold Nighttime. Also buy a bottle of wine. Red. Drink two-three tablespoons of the cough medicine followed by two or three glasses of wine. Some will tell you that alcohol inhibits the immune system. I'm here to alert you to the falsehood of these claims. It allows you to be out for HOURS. Sleep gives your body the rest it needs to heal.

2. Make a big pot of soup. Not from a can. Have respect for your body. Nourish it for the duration of your cold with vegetable or chicken soup, spinach salads, and the rest of that bottle of wine and another one if needed. Don't forget to stay hydrated with plenty of water, herbal teas, coffee and natural juices.

3. Stay on top of your chores. Does having a cold give you the right to put off your chores for a weekend or more? No, fans, it does not. Did our mothers refuse to feed us when they were sick? Did they neglect bathing us? No. Therefore you too have the strength to stay on top of your ironing, basic cleaning, and meal preparation. The main reason behind keeping on top of the housework is this- you will be sorry when you're over your bug and have to waste your new found energy on household duties. I found my cold gave me the extra time I needed to CLR my faucet heads and demineralize my coffee maker.

4. Pamper your skin. Do you wish to heal wholly, completely? Well then, friends, you should keep on top of your appearance. It is acceptable to skip makeup application for the duration of your cold as long as you will not be seen in a public venue. It is important, however, to apply a face mask, rich body lotions, and a deep conditioner to your hair. We wish not to return to our places of employment or hobby with unbalanced skin, do we? A cold gives you the lack of smell needed to apply a good sulfur mask. I recommend this one by DDF.

5. Use your sickness as an excuse to devour an entire bag of Luden's Great Tasting Cherry Throat Lozenges. The great thing about these little goodies is that they are "medicine" and therefore do not advertise how many calories are in each serving. I find it perfectly acceptable to eat 20-30 in a day.

6. "Nap." While I did take one nap, I spent the majority of my time watching old episodes of Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, and Will and Grace... not to mention such classic movies as When Harry Met Sally, Ghost, and Dirty Dancing! Oh how I owe Lifetime for such fabulous entertainment!

And I suppose that's all I do. Good luck, cold sufferers!

XOXO,

UB

THANKS!

My most sincere gratitude is here given to JG for introducing me to Grooveshark...

As we all know, I am one of the last few beings on Earth lacking an IPOD! It's true, fans. I am afraid it would give me one less excuse for not working out, you have to pay for your songs, AND I do not listen to music in my car for I am always catching up with friends on the day's gossip!

Oh darling JG, thank you, for where else could I create a schizophrenic playlist full of The Beatles, Carrie Underwood, Pitbull, Perry Como and Jordin Sparks... for FREE???

As we speak, I sit creating a playlist titled "Relax, MAHN, it's FRIDAY!" featuring Bob Marley and The Morman Tabernacle Choir.

Would you fans like to participate? Well, by all means! Go AHEAD.... http://listen.grooveshark.com/


Happy Friday!

Undercover Blogger

Moonlighting

Dear Fans,

Your Undercover Blogger writes to you today after a long night of moonlighting... trying to make ends meet (HAHA very J-SLASH-K-ing)...

Last night was a cake night... siiiiiiighhh... it did not go so well... the most unfortunate thing occurred- I did not get so much as 5 minutes of sleep!

I jest not.

I know you fools find our creations tasty and cute, but lest you think they come easily... you should think again, friends...

Why, you would like to know?

Well, do you, while practicing your art form, feel the need to yell any of the following phrases?

- WHERE'S THE VAT OF LARD?

- (at 2 am) WHY GOD, WHY?

- GREAT! I HAVE WHITE HAND PRINTS ON MY BUTT!

Didn't think so.

Do you fans, while practicing your art form, ever dry heave into a plastic garbage bin after inhaling too much of your piece? Does the humidity of a warm September evening ruin the base of your project? Do you cry and consider calling off a friendship if it means you can simply stop working for a mere moment?

My guess is NO.

Your "art" was most likely learned in an institutional setting. We learn about our creations as we go. We FEEL the artwork. It's ALIVE for us. Did DaVinci need a teacher? Michelangelo?

Laugh if you must, but be not surprised when The Present Cake goes down in history with The Last Supper and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel...

Exhausted,

-Undercover Blogger

Undercover Blogger and Her Heart of Stone

Is now mush. Why, you ask? Because I'm having a nephew (or a niece)!!! That's right friends! L is having a baby! A REAL ONE! I will affectionately refer to him (or her) as Gerard (or Gerri). Today I think it's Gerri. It's been about 50/50.

I've always prided myself in my uncanny ability to detect subtle nuances in a preggo's behavior and thus to predict the sex of the unborn.

This pregnancy is too important to rely on my sixth sense. But this one is difficult, for L's behavior has remained largely unchanged (WHEW, we've all known THAT pregnant girl).

I have found a tinkle test for L to take to determine whether this kid is boy or a girl already! I mean I can't wait until NOVEMBER to start buying little Gerard (or Gerri) adorable little gowns and bubbles! Quality monogramming takes time, after all. I don't want to wind up with 6 Jon-Jons with Gerard written across the front if it's really a GERRI!

Anyway, L refuses to take said test. She does not believe it is trustworthy.

She trusted the PREGNANCY test though. So I don't understand.

DILEMMA! What am I to do fans? Make her an offer she can't refuse? Or wait until November when she has her US?

XO
Undercover Blogger

P.S. To all new stalkers (ahem, J)... I'm not opposed to making offers that can't be refused. Spill the beans, and you'll know what I'm talking about.

P.S.S. L just displayed her first pregnancy induced overreaction. She's bothered that I sit blogging ... at her table... on her computer... as she slaves away icing the cake (not that that's the hard part anyway)...

Guess I best get back to it... L's eating all the frosting!

Budget

Hi.

I thought you guys were my friends.

When I asked you for advice on maintaining a budget, you failed me.

L was totally useless. She's all "What's wrong with canned items?"

A is extreme. She's all "Make your money work for you!"

I finally received one response that I believe I can live with from Bloggin Sista:

Budgeting 101 for my DEAR friend, Undercover Blogger
My best tip to you, dear Undercover Blogger, is DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!When is the last time you broke the bank grocery shopping? Is not grocery shopping a necessary evil? I ask you this, dear friend; When is the last time you went to the grocery store and bought something you did not absolutely need? Wait, wait. Do not answer this question yet. First we must define a need.

Need: N. 1. Something desired, strongly desired, or wished for. 2. (needing) V. To suffer from want.Ok, now that we've decided that the operational definition of a need is quite subjective and is different for most everyone, let's define what is wished for by people who matter, and by people who do not matter.

People who matter: These people want things that improve their health, status, or appearance. i. e. New things, pretty things, things that improve status

People who do not matter: These people want (need, whatever...) things that are cheap, prevent them from starving, or aid them in things other, more fortunate folk already possess because they are more intelligent, charming, attractive, or otherwise better all around than than people who do not matter. i. e. shelter, food, water, money

Now that we've established a pattern of people who generally are of lesser status and therefore importance and people who are generally, in all arenas, better, I ask simply; Why are you worried about your spending, dear friend? Correct me if I am wrong, but does it not make you feel somewhat elite to spend $300 a week on organic, name brand groceries of which many will be tossed out before the expiration date? Do you not achieve euphoria when buying a $110 plain cotton striped tuxedo blouse from J. Crew? Do you not need multiple shoes of the same brand and model, differing only in color? Does it not pique your excitement when you buy something just because you can and others can not? Are these not necessities? Are these not things that give you great excitement and thrill? Of course they are.

The answer, of course, to all of the questions I pose is YES! Yes, sweet Undercover Blogger, you need things!!!

If Darling Husband is the problem, simply tell him what I tell my own dear spouse. "Did you enter into our vows not knowing of my idiosyncrasies and oddities? Did you not know you would need to surrender yourself to a lifetime of spending and more? Of course you did, my dear. And that is one of the many reasons you love me."Keep this in mind next time you are at Whole Foods, my dear friend. Bologna is for people who pronounce it Bolo-Na.

So, with that, I've decided I need not budget. I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

I'm outtie/ordering those cute J.Crew ballet flats...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Cereice! PUT OUT YOUR CIGGIE!

Hi fans!

I'm back from my weekend trip to Atlanta. It was definitely one of the most interesting weekends of my entire life. I took a few pictures, but I will have to add them later as I was running out the door this morning and forgot it! This will be a long post, but I promise it's worth reading...I'll put it in timeline format for your convenience...

7:30- Leave Birmingham.

10:30- Arrive in Atlanta. Check into hotel. Notice strange carpet in gold, royal blue, and red scroll pattern. Become quite anxious. See dozens of Alabama fans checking out, become less anxious. At least this hotel was acceptable for football fans- not a drug dealer in sight! WHEW!

11:00- Walk out of hotel to go to IKEA! Notice in place of Alabama fans there are dozens of drag queens checking in... Become anxious again. Not that I judge- I'm normally very intrigued by this sort of thing... just not intrigued by THESE drag queens.

11:30- Eat lunch. Drive to IKEA- realize my car is too small to fit the chairs I liked inside plus 3 peeps... stress slightly, but quickly get over it.

2:00- Arrive back at hotel. Observe a dozen or so additional drag queens. Change, shake off my nerves, and head to the RACE! THE NASCAR RACE, BABY!

2:45- Park in grass, walk around. Observe men with mullets and no shirts. Large bellies. Women with no teeth. Women in bikini tops. Men in shirts with vulgar sayings. A man in a wheelchair with a ventilator (if that doesn't show dedication, I'm not sure what does). Lots of short shorts exposing large butt cheeks. Lots of prison tats. Lots of strange and unique facial hair.

3:00- Talk to FIL who tells me the race starts at 7:30 and is so well planned that it will end at 11:52. Choke on beverage. FOUR HOURS? I assumed this was like a horse race... obviously a little longer... they would need to go around the track a few times... but FOUR HOURS?

3:02- 7:00- Continue to observe rednecks. Imagine college football game x 1000. Pretty sweet. Try to imagine what these people do for a living. I'm still coming up short. Realize that I am probably the hottest or 2nd hottest girl there. Confidence boost.

7:01- Walk into the stadium/arena/whatever it is. Take opportunity to use the restroom. Two women are ahead of me, and there are about 30 stalls open. I politely tap the woman in front of me who was enjoying her 40 (in the bathroom, ew) to alert her to the fact that she need not wait as there were open stalls. She SNAPS around and yells "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR HAPPY ASS UP THERE." Hmm... I didn't know how to react, so I just got my happy a$$ up there!

7:05- Sit down. Seat is in the front row. Things aren't looking good. I sat between husband and BIL Nick. Next to Nick was a lovely woman- Cereice. How do I know this, you ask? You are probably saying to yourself right now- "Undercover Blogger isn't friendly! Undercover Blogger would never try to make a friend unless it was absolutely necessary for survival!" Well, friends, you are right. No need for introductions at a Nascar race... Cereice was in an AIRBRUSHED t-shirt! She was sitting next to her best friend Laurie. Laurie was also outfitted in an airbrushed t-shirt! They had the Nascar racing driver people autograph them and everything! CLASSAY! WOO!

7:06- Cereice offers us cheddar cheese party mix! We politely decline. Who knows what is in that mix?

Things get a little tricky to explain by timeline for a little bit...so I'll just write this out in paragraph form...

James Dobson begins the invocation...Cereice talks on her cell... Diamond Rio sings the national anthem... Cereice continues to talk on her cell... loud/cool military jets fly over the stadium/arena thing...Cereice talks on her cell. I'll tell you guys, I've about had it with Cereice. If I was already annoyed with Cereice, it certainly did not help things when Cereice lit her first cigarrette. Then another, and another, and another. When she finished her pack, I silently said a little prayer of thanks. It had become difficult to breathe. But alas, Cereice was prepared. She pulled out another pack. She enjoyed two packs of ciggies as well as a twelve pack of beer during the race. No wonder her skin was so strange looking.

Did I mention to you guys that we were on the FRONT row? This means that as the cars WHIZ by, the rubber tires begin to shed little bits of themselves. Rubber confetti. On my clothes. In my hair. In my lungs.

I think I also forgot to mention that a Nascar race is UNBELIEVABLY LOUD! I was not prepared in the least bit. Lucky for me, a nice drunkard a few seats to my right was smitten with me. He had an extra set of foam ear plugs. He winked as he passed them to me. I should have refused for sanitary purposes alone, but it was SO loud I had to accept. My ears still hurt today, so I can only imagine what they would have felt like without the plugs. I just hope they had never been used. Anyway, whenever my husband would go to the loo, I would be stuck sitting beside this man. He would stand THISCLOSE to me. EW! Oh well, you have to surrender your pride occasionally.

Anyway, on to the next thing...

The race goes on and on and on and on... lots of other extremely interesting things happen...

Then it's over.

We run to our car. We're in by 12:15. SCORE. Only... we're wedged in. We can't move an inch. I'm starving and stinky. I pretty much don't think life could get worse.

Until... life became unbelievably amazing.

Let me set the scene.

SUV of three 20-somethings to our right. Truck with man and rough looking woman in front of us.

Three 20-somethings yell to rough looking woman- "HAY sweet THANG! Wanna beer?"
Sweet Thang- "Tradeja beer fer a cigarette."
Three 20-somethings- "You come ower here babe."
Sweet Thang heads their way... Much rubbing over each other occurs- I am preparing myself to witness something completely inappropriate. I tell Nick to avert his eyes. They begin to rub her belly button and her arms and her booty. Lovely.
Sweet Thang rubs all over RINE (Ryan)... (I've picked up on their names by this point). She compliments him on his sleeve of tattoos that were most certainly obtained in a prison environment.
Sweet Thang heads back to her truck for unknown reasons. As she walks to her truck, she flips up the back of her tank top to reveal a large tattoo. Three 20-somethings hoot and get very excited.
Sweet Thang returns and asks the Three 20-somethings if they have been "to the big house" (a question with an obvious answer). She explains that she has been in the big house for a LAWNG time... not to our surprise...

Well, this did it for RINE. He was in LOVE.

He followed Sweet Thang to her truck. Backed her up against it. "DEAR LORD, PLEASE, PLEASE NO!" I scream.

Luckily, traffic that had been at a stand still for 2 hours begins to move. Two of the Three 20-somethings begin to yell for RINE to hurry so they could leave.

And some of you say God doesn't answer prayers...

RINE got Sweet Thang's number and promised to continue things where they left off. SHUDDER.

It takes us about an hour to get back to our hotel. I've never been so relieved in all my life.

Needless to say, I will not return to a Nascar race... even if it was intriguing...


I'll try to post some pictures later in the week...

Until then...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger