And Undercover Blogger Thanksgiving

A few days late...
This year I'm giving thanks for so many things (family, husband, friends, food, a house, clothing, running water, my good looks), but this year I am especially grateful for my puppies.

Why?

They get me out of doing so many things... Oh! I need to be there at 5:30? Sorry, I can't! The dogs have to eat! 8:30? Oh... the dogs have to poop! Breakfast? ABSOLUTELY NOT! The dogs need to eat AND poop! Bliss, truly bliss. Excuse after excuse to stay home.

Weight loss- if I did not walk those crazy creatures, they would be even crazier! This is a plus for me as I get some extra exercise!

My house is a disaster. Why is this a good thing? It's taught me that no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever be perfect (or even close!). This is a lesson I'm glad to have learned at 26 instead of 45. When you learn it in your 40s, your whole life crumbles, and then you're depressed for the rest of your life.

Also, the doggies make me laugh ALL THE TIME! Even when they are bad... they make me laugh!

I've toughened up a bit... a little bite here, a few bruises there...

CHAOS. I realized that it will be a few years before I can just sit on my couch for more than a minute or two. If I want to read a book, I have to sit at the table. A movie is out of the question. A tv show may be viewed when I go to bed. Although this is a little tiring, it keeps me moving, moving, moving!

Anther fun thing about dogs is that they desensitize you to all things gross. Have I been snuggled with my Ollie boy when a little diarrhea slips out and onto me? Yes. Has Millie barfed all over my house? Of course. Have they brought in a dead squirrel that I had to bury in an empty beer case? ABSOLUTELY! But you know what? These things are humorous when I look back...

So this year I am giving thanks for a heart exploding with LOVE, a year full of LAUGHTER, and HAPPINESS beyond comparison!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!
UB

People Need to CHILLAX

So I've noticed a recurring trend- people are TOO UPTIGHT.

While I'm a rules kind of girl (I have to eat 100% of my daily fiber and I don't do drugs, yeah those are kind of my only rules.. oh and I think all people should wear seasonally appropriate attire (i.e. no flip flops in December, even if it's hot out), I still think people should just take a chill pill...

Examples...

- If your dog eats your shoes (happened this morning) say "NO PSYCHO DOG! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE J.CREW FLATS! YOUR DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME WHEN I TELL HIM I NOT ONLY MUST REPLACE THEM, BUT THAT I ALSO HAVE TO PAY FOR OVERNIGHT SHIPPING BECAUSE I CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT THEM AND I'VE ALREADY SPENT A BLOODY FORTUNE ON CLOTHES LATELY!" THEN go to your computer and shop. Because you know what? They are shoes. Shoes... replaceable...

- Let your freakin kids eat candy... let them stay up late... the only RULE should be to just be nice and respectful of others. If you are too uptight with your kids, they grow up to hate you, then they move away, then you die alone in a bottom of the line nursing home and your kids never come to visit. And you kind of deserve it.

- Wear pajamas all day. Skip your workout every now and then to get a CHEESEBURGER. Spend your money on things you like... your savings only comes in handy when those children put you in the home...

- Splurge on something you LOVE- this would be bumble and bumble shampoo and conditioner for me. Something about washing my hair with shampoo that costs more than most people spend on a new purse makes me happy.

- Go to Whole Foods every now and again to get a non-dinner dinner... wine, cheese, olives, and a baguette. Savor every bite.

- Let the dogs on the furniture. "DOG HAIR, OMG! OMG! I HATE DOG HAIR!" Quit whining, people. Why did you get dogs? Get a dog figurine if you don't want to cuddle. Again... if you die with perfect furniture... what the heck does it matter? It's furniture.

I could go on and on and on, but it's time to go sit on my deck in my pajamas.

XOXO
UB

Monday...

Everyone looking forward to Gossip Girl tonight? Blair and Serena- my idols. WOOHOO.

ARG!

Fans-
If you ever see me eating something and it looks like I'm enjoying it, HIT ME! TAKE MY PLATE FROM ME! THROW IT AWAY!

We had a lunch party at work today... Golden Rule... I ate less than a half cup of chicken, two teaspoons of sauce, 1/4 cup of vinegar based slaw, three tablespoons of macaroni and cheese, and three tablespoons of beans. Dessert was this ice cream thing a man's wife makes. That small amount of food was DOUBLE the amount of weight watchers points I'm allowed in a day. SOOOOO that means lettuce for the next few days. I know I gained all my weight back that I had lost.

I have to get control over myself.

This is my diet for the next week- only salads, yogurt, and fiber one cereal and/or bars.

I want to cry. Food is the only thing that makes me happy. Don't feed me any of that "friends make you happy" or "GO TO A PARK!" or "have a long conversation with your husband" crap. Everyone knows those things SUCK compared to a slice of pizza or a blizzard.

Warning, fans... there isn't a single one of you who I wouldn't gladly trade in for just a taste of pepperoni. Remember that. Consider yourself lucky if I even acknowledge your existance.

In the mood to make someone CRY,
UB

Friday Night Alone

Stupid stupid allergies have left me pretty miserable for the majority of the past couple of days... blablabla, I'm home alone because I do not like being around people when I am sick, blabla, husband went to dinner with a friend.

So... I take some medicine to make me feel better... I still do not feel great, but I have ENERGY. I mean ENERGY. Thank GOD.

But anyway, all that just brings me to my story...

I cleaned and cleaned all night and had yet to use all my weight watchers points for the day (I'm getting rather good at saving them for a couple of vodkas at the end of the night), so I decided to make a piece of light toast and herbal tea... I let the dogs out... then something came FLYING into the house. I cannot be responsible for the words that came out of my mouth, for this was not an insect I was used to seeing. It was a praying mantis.



Well, I thought I could be brave and save it, but when I walked up to catch it, IT TURNED IT'S FREAKING HEAD. RIGHT AT ME! It FREAKING LOOKED AT ME.

"Oh, NO! OH NO!" I screamed as I ran for my Dyson. The love of my life. I kept thinking "Save the bug, don't be a weenie. SAVE THE BUG." But you all know what I did... I SUCKED IT INTO THE DYSON.

Then my anxiety kicked in and I FREAKED and was sure that stupid bug was going to escape and fly around and make this the worst night of my life (mountains of puke and turds stuck to dog beds did not help things either). So I just had to vacuum. The whole house. That way the bug would have to die. Right? Right? I don't know!

After researching the praying mantis, I've come to find that it is indeed evil and deserves to die. So I've done the world a favor...

You're welcome,
UB

My BOY!

My sweet, sweet, sweet boy. Darling Oliver. I love him so...But I don't think he likes children. We were in doggy class yesterday, and this STUPID little BRAT child was distracting my angel. He was just trying to learn, and she was walking around, being a little idiot. Plus she wasn't particularly cute. So you know what? He let her have it. He barked a bark I've never heard before... ANGRY! LOUD! She jumped and almost cried. And I did not scold him. SHE GOT WHAT WAS COMING.

Why would you take your children to doggy school? One couple brings their baby, and she behaves perfectly well. She watches her gorgeous dogs obey their father. She giggles and is sweet. Sometimes the trainer will have her walk around to distract the dogs, but they all like her. Because she's cute. But bring out the dumb (and my dumb I mean uggo, whiny) children, and the dogs go crazy. What does this say? Oh yes, pretty people win, again.

So maybe I'm awful, but you know I'm right. The facts are the facts.

XOXO-
UB

OH! P.S. I've switched back to black coffee. If gin makes me swoon, I can drink black coffee to be skinny. AND BE SKINNY I WILL!

I finally got what was coming...

Fans,

All my life I have been the skinny girl. The girl who never had to worry about her weight (cellulite, maybe, but not weight). In fact, whenever I would see 110 on the scale, I would diet until I got back to 105 or so. I'm not telling you guys this to make you jealous. It was simply who I WAS. The lucky little girl...

UNTIL THIS YEAR! 15 pounds just snuck their way onto my petite frame. I was SHOCKED. I am not a girl who weighs 120 pounds. I do NOT wear a size four. These things cannot happen to ME! But alas, fans, my metabolism has slowed...

So I think "I'll lose this weight quickly! I've never had to try before! I'll just workout every single day! No biggie." I did. And I have yet to lose a pound.

FRIDAY comes... the yearly doctor's visit... the doctor, in the kindest way possible, told ME- ME! that I needed to lose weight. Panic. Shock. Devastation. I think to myself "It's okay, you're smaller than 90% of the world's population, calm down." Dr. S then said, "let's check those thyroid levels, this is concerning." WHAT?!?!?! I'm pretty sure he just did this to make me feel better about gaining, so I went out into the little area where they do all the blood work (I just know everyone in that area thought I must be testing for STDs or something, so I explain to them all that it's a thyroid thing...I probably made myself look really dumb, but you all know how I worry).

So fans, here I go. I'm giving up all that is good and pure in my life- bread as a side, WINE, and fried foods. Just until October 15th. A girl can't make it through a long, temperate winter without her pinot...

If this can happen to me, fans, it can certainly happen to you. Quickly, before you have this experience at the doctor, give up everything that makes you happy. DENY, DENY, DENY yourselves the small pleasures in life (large blizzards, rolls, and booze). It's so much better than having a room full of women looking at you and thinking you have VD.

Becoming more miserable by the day,
UB

Things I Hate

Now I am in a pretty good mood today, but I've had complaints lately that I've been too positive. Just want to make sure you all know I am the same blogger I've always been.

SOOO... here are things I hate!

1. Baby pictures where people put pearls and tutus and gay stuff on their babies. It's just dumb.

2. The heat of summer. It's too much for this delicate flower.

3. Poor people (me included). It's so dull to have to pinch pennies and be frugal. A real drag.

4. When Millie and Oliver throw up. It makes me sad =(

5. Olives. SICK. SICK. SICK!

6. People who hate onions. I know that 90% of my friends hate onions, and I forgive them. But only because they are pretty.

7. Chocolate chip cookies. JUST KIDDING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

8. Headaches. I had one for a week. It finally went away.

9. The way dishwashers always kick up that weird crumby stuff into the glasses on top. So if you're like ME, you always leave them in and never have clean glasses to use so you wind up using crystal then hand washing it. Which really makes no sense.

10. The way cheese and nitrates and nitrites are bad for you.

So there. Things I totally hate.

Outtie-
UB

LOOK! PUPPIES!

LOOK! It's OLIVER! He's my Ollie boy! Little Oliver is SOOOO sweet. He says "I'm a well behaved boy! I'm fat and wrinkly and WONDERFUL! I can run REAL fast!"

AND LOOK! It's MILLIE! Millie bear! My wittle baby gurl! AWWW! She says "I cuddle and snuggle and LOVE! I am bad to the bone, but you can't resist my HUGE ears! I LOVE you forEVER!"

Look! Oliver's arm wrinkles! Aren't they CUTE!?!?!

AND LOOK! Millie's always ready for some love and attention! Isn't she PRECIOUS?!?!?!

Basically, if you are looking for some WILD fun, come over to my house. These critters are CRAZY! They are insane and sweet and PERFECT! I love to pet them and kiss them and cuddle them. I look at their fur and I say "OH, PUPPIES! I love you puppies! You're PRETTY PUPPIES!" And my life is good and happy.

Dogs forever,

-UB

Millie and Oliver

So finally a post dedicated to puppies. There is not much to say... they are perfect.
They are cuddly.
They are bad.
They cover the house and yard with squishy poop.
They like to play... show their teeth... squeeze into places they will be too big for in a couple of weeks...
THEY LOVE TO RUN AND RUN AND RUN!
They love other dogs! BIG DOGS, SMALL DOGS, MEDIUM SIZED DOGS...
They wake me up really early. Which is convenient because I love to pet them and kiss them and play with them. We get up and play outside.

OH... THE BEST THING ABOUT MY PUPPIES...

THEY HAVE FLOPPY FLOPPY EARS!

I never remember to take pictures with my real camera, so here are a few from my phone...
or not... I would have to email them to myself, then save them, then upload them. That's a lot of trouble. BUT THEY ARE REALLY CUTE!

Stupid Earth

STUPID WATER BOTTLES WITH LESS PLASTIC! I CAN'T OPEN THEM WITHOUT WATER SPILLING EVERYWHERE AND MAKING ME COLD! I LOVED THE EARTH UNTIL PEOPLE WANTED TO SAVE IT BY USING LESS PLASTIC.

Now, I will move to Mars where I belong. WITH THE MARTIANS!

XOXO
UB

Not Feeling It

I wish I could go home right now and take a nap. Then I would like to eat a delicious lunch. THEN I would like an afternoon cocktail. THEN I would read and take a second nap.

I wish I would find a million dollars on the ground so I could make that my daily routine!

Life is unfair,
UB

Arguing

I love arguing. Do I care if I'm right or wrong? No.

And here is a story for you, fans.

Back in the 4th grade, I decided to throw the science experiment we were all required to do. We were supposed to put chicken bones in vinegar, and a few days later we would see that the bones were extra bendy. I didn't want bendy bones, so I decided to put the bones in vinegar the day before the project was due instead of a week before, just so I could say it didn't work. The teacher was baffled. What an idiot. A 4th grader outsmarted a 30 year old. Dimwit.

Let's figure this out, fans. Why do I like to argue? Because it's fun. Because it gets my blood pumping. BECAUSE IT MAKES PEOPLE TURN RED! But I like it most when people argue back.

But what I like most most in this world fans- the Zaxby's grilled cheese basket that L so lovingly introduced me too. Nothing is better than that freaking basket.

-UB

Saving the WORLD

So there is a girl at work fans, and she wants to save the world. Noble indeed. Lofty, but noble.

It had me thinking- what can I do to make an impact on the world? As we all know, I do not enjoy leaving the comfort of my own home- volunteering is kind of out for me. But not really. You just start by asking yourself what it is you love. And what do I love? Food. But HELLZ no way am I serving food at a homeless people shelter. You all know how I am about smells (the hospital like food and people who don't shower every morning).

Here are my ideas so far-
Get a little brother or sister or however that works and teach him/her how to cook. BUT I'm not too fond of children.

Host a bake sale for kids with cancer (kids with cancer really upset me- and that takes a lot these days for reasons I shall not write about)- YUM, but people are cheap and won't buy stuff, but maybe they would.

Anyway, that's not a lot of ideas, but it's something for the 5 minutes of thinking I've done.

Maybe this coworker of mine can change the world by inspiring others to change the world.

But chances are I'll choose to sit on my couch and give my money to a charity instead. They can do with it what they please. And I can just eat a lot of food.

If anyone has a great idea involving food and non-stinky people, LET ME KNOW!

All my love fans,
UB

A Post Without the Word Douche- Just for L!

I am still on my quest to get an iphone. It's an annoying quest. I tried going to the At&t store the other day and talking to this guy from high school. He pretended not to remember me, but I know he did. I mean...come on...LOOK AT ME! And in high school I was tanner and cuter. Now I'm being ravaged by age. Wrinkles are forming, fans.

Anyway, that brings me to my post- the 10% tax in this health care law for tanning. I don't think this is right. If we tax tanning beds, why shouldn't we just tax God for creating the sun? I could just as easily bake in the sun all day with baby oil. Or we could tax people for using hair dye- they say the dark colors cause cancer. Or grills- charred meat has carcinogens. Liquid smoke that you add to your foods too. Next, someone will suggest we get a tax credit for eating pomegranates and blueberries. And dark chocolate, but not milk chocolate because the health benefits of dark chocolate are good/milk chocolate bad. I would throw them for a loop and introduce a swirly combo of milk and dark chocolate. Would that even it out and be tax neutral under this supposed plan I've created? This does get very complicated and involved, so perhaps we would create more jobs. People who analyze every product on the market (I'm stating these things mostly to annoy sweet JH)...

On to my next point... WHY IS AT&T SO STUPID? THEY ARE. I want to upgrade my service to a more expensive phone with a more expensive plan, yet they refuse to let me. WHY? I'm already the last person on EARTH to have a cool phone. Why must I suffer like this?

My life is full of suffering, fans.

First, I can't get an iphone. Second, I have a breakout around my mouth. What if people think I have mouth herpes?

LIFE IS UNFAIR, yet again. At least I found really cute shoes in my size (never happens) at Macy's this weekend. SEXXIII.

XOXO-
UB

Thoughts

Sometimes I really just do NOT care for people, fans.



I've always loved Hebrews 13:2 "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."



I much prefer to keep people at that level though, because frequently people just suck. They do little things to annoy the heck out of me. Once someone rubs me the wrong way, they will never be on my good side again. Be warned. I'm mean if I need to be mean.



So be nice to a stranger today. And don't try to make friends. Just do nice things. It's fun to be nice to strangers. I remember once my mom was in a store, and the lady checking her out liked her bracelet, so my mom just took it off and gave it to her! I'm not usually that nice, but people enjoy it when you treat them as though they exist. However, if a person is obviously a douche, just ignore them.



Those are my tips for this Tuesday, the Sixteenth of March in the Two Thousand and Tenth Year of Our Lord.



XOXO!

UB

Heart Ball- The Aftermath and Other Current UB Events

Fans,

You should have seen me at the ball. I am not exaggerating. I was definitely one of the most attractive people there. Thanks mostly in part to L for finding my dress and my mommy for altering it! And my good genes (besides my under eye circles). I have no pictures though. You do not take pictures at a formal event unless you want to look like a douche with no life.

Anyway, my next crazy wild event is tonight. My huzb is outtie again, so I get to catch up on Gossip Girl and take loads of over the counter sleeping pills (like 2, I don't want anyone to worry). Should be a good night.

THEN! I have no more events for a long time. Unless I have some next week. WHEW! Life is good.

Have a great day fans!
UB

It's a BOY!

For A, that is! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!! Now I will have good practice with a girl AND a boy before I have a baby myself!

I had already planned A's entire nursery around the fact that she would have a boy. So whew. This little guy better have dark hair! I think A wants white hair like her hubby's was, but guys... seriously... if you had ever seen the picture of A's niece... you would hope too that he had the black crazy hair! So cute! The baby will definitely have chubby cheeks. AND he will like to mountain bike and hike! AND he'll be tall! I just know he'll be tall. How hilarious would it be if he was taller than M?!?!?!?!?! Impossible. I bet he's born 50 inches long.

Anyway! WOOHOO!

XOXO,
UB

My Favorite FOODS THIS Week...

If you have met me, you know I believe strongly that food is the greatest thing in the world- it's why we exist...just to eat our next meal or snack!!!!

Also, if you're very close to me, you know I go through stages/obsessions- songs, colors, bloggers, and most of all food. I can looooove a food one week, and hate it the next. This has always frustrated my poor mother, and more recently, my poor husband!

Here is an up to date list of all the foods I'm loving this week!

1. Yoplait Light Apricot Mango Yogurt. This is so good I wanted to lick the little cup. I refrained, but I was tempted.

2. Cheerios- Plain or HONEY NUT! It makes you want to cry when you eat your last spoonful in the morning.

3. CHIPOTLE/MOE'S/QDOBA- Can anyone say "MONSTER BURRITO"? I can. And I did. And I do. I love beans, rice, sour cream, cheese, and meat all rolled up in a oddly rubbery tortilla. DELISH.

4. Bananas! They are so banana-y! I love them. My mom used to slice them over my cereal. That's an extra special treat.

5. Andes Mints- the only mint/chocolate combo that I think is divine. DIVINE I SAY!

6. Kit Kat Bars! Wafery, chocolatey goodness! These rock my footless tube socks off...

7. Jim 'N Nicks- We must eat there 3 times a week. I like those little muffin things! I like those bbq taters! BOY OH BOY I LOVE THOSE TATERS!!!!

8. Fish- any kind, please. With squirts of delicious lemon! MMMMMHHHHMMM.

9. Zantac 150- A must after consuming a monster burrito followed by a Kit Kat!!!

10. Broccoli. Don't you wish you could eat broccoli every day? I surely do. I've always loved broccoli. Garlic and butter make it oh so delectable!

AND MY NUMBER ONE, MOST FAVORITE FOOD, FOR NOW, FOREVER, FOR ALWAYS:

MEATBALLS! YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you see, food is my passion. Eating, actually, is my passion. I wish we ate foods all day, every day. It often times frightens me that I eat more than my preggo friends, my husband, and my brother... COMBINED! Just kidding.

And you know what is odd, fans? I can eat anything, at any time of the day. Give me a plate of pasta with meatballs at 9 in the morning, and I'm as happy as a clam!

5 hours until I eat again,

UB

Credit Cards- A Necessary Evil

I know a bunch of you freaks are going to go all Dave Ramsey on me- I know credit cards are dangerous... I know that it's easy to spend too much.

But fans... what's a girl to do when she needs things and her husband doesn't approve? Respect his wishes? I think not! She orders them on her credit card! I just ordered a pair of 4 inch satin evening shoes. I could have gone with the option I truly desired from J.Crew, but those were like $225 or something. These babies were only $70. But still. He would say my last pair of evening shoes that I only wore once would suffice. But dear friends, they wouldn't. THEY WOULDN'T!

Also, a few of you will begin to notice my skin changing color. Going from the color "clear" to "less clear, still ghostly." I bought a tanning package. ONLY TO USE THROUGH THE MONTH OF MARCH (the girl was pretty persuasive and talked me into buying some delish smelling lotion as well). Do you think my husband would approve of this? No. So what did I do? I DID IT ANYWAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. On my credit card of course... Actually, the thought of me looking less like I've been cooped up in the hospital for 3 years and more like I went outside once or twice would probably convince him of the necessity of this purchase. Whatevs.

I'll look hot. Or like really conservative and lame.

Have we discussed my opinions on the spaghetti strap, the strapless, and the low cut dress? I do NOT approve. You don't want people staring at you adjusting yourself and hunching over all night. So my opinion is always wear what is comfortable. This is why I always wonder if I look like a lez probably.

XOXO,
UB

DISCLAIMER- I AM FRUGAL/CHEAP AT ALL TIMES. THE HUSBAND BUYS WHATEVER HIS HEART DESIRES, SO DON'T CONCERN YOURSELF WITH HIM. And he'll be happy when I look hottt.

Later peeps.

Jealousy

Fans,

I've grown quite accustomed to people being jealous of me. My looks, my wit, my charming personality... it's too much for most people to be around.

But this time... it is I who am jealous.

Of my husband!

His upcoming trip to Switzerland has me in a fit. All new ski clothes... a stop in London... fabulous meals... it's just too much!

I'll make him sorry he ever agreed to go on this trip (required to keep his job). I will buy whatever I want, eat whatever I want (falafel, pasta, soup), and watch whatever I want on t.v. (or go to bed at 7 and read and wear fleece).

This sucks. I WANNA GO.

I WANNA GO I WANNA GO I WANNA GO I WANNA GO.

But, when you think about it, I hate being cold. So maybe it's for the best that I'm stuck here. IN ALABAMA. WHILE MY HUSBAND TRAVELS THE GLOBE. PROBABLY IN FIRST CLASS. I ALWAYS FLY COACH.

WHEN WILL THE INJUSTICE END??????

I pray for the forgiveness of my iniquities- jealousy and MAXING OUT MY CREDIT CARD DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF MARCH! TAKE THAT, HUSBAND. HOPE YOU ENJOY THE COOOOOLLLLDDD.

XOXO,
UB

V Day

Hello fans,

Guess what we did last night? We drank a bottle of champagne and watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia for like 3 hours! It was great! Fantastic! Perfect!

Next week is my husband's birthday. He says he no longer wants to recognize his birthday because he feels old. No doubt that is because he's married to me (I fall asleep no later than 8 on the couch- I'm never up for fun). Anyway, I would like to recognize his birthday so I can have a nice dinner! Where should we go? The only thing that cheers him up is a prime rib... up to 64 oz... wish I was joking...

THEN- this weekend is way too busy. The G's will be in town Friday and Saturday, Stepsing is Saturday night, then L's shower is Sunday along with the celebration of my husband's birthday! I think all of those things are enjoyable, but I'm used to having at least one day a week with no human interaction. Don't you ever grow tired of listening (given, listening is not one of my best skills)... but pretending to listen is difficult as well. I've learned that you can use the time when you should be listening to plan out your meals, push back your cuticles, or create a task list for the remainder of your day. Or you can just stare at the person talking and judge them. I would say 9 times out of 10 that's what I'm doing.

Happy Monday!
UB

Things I Like

1. Tattoo Shirts- I actually find these douche baggish (pardon my french, Mommy and Ol' Al), but they make me laugh and chuckle. Bonus points (as in, you're even dorkier) if this type of shirt has a short sleeve.

2. McManis Cabernet- I've mentioned this before, but I love my McManis.

3. Eating lots of dessert. YUM.

4. Boots- not the shoe, but the cat. My neighbor's cat. He was missing for a week, and I was so sad. Now he is back, and I am glad. This is not him. This kitty just sort of looks like Boots. Aren't kitties with pink noses SWEET? Mr. Kitty also has a pink nose!

5. Pajamas. I wish that you wore pajamas to work.

6. Tube socks. They keep my legs warm. I cut the feet off tube socks and wear them under my pants to work. Don't tell. It's cozy.

7. Mrs. Meyer's cleaning supplies in "Baby Blossom." OMG these smell like HEAVEN. The lady who checked me out disagreed. But she wore too much blush. So bam.

8. Doing things I know I shouldn't. Because it's fun.

9. Seafood. All of it. Yum. Could eat it every night. Mussels, clams, tuna, salmon, scallops, oysters, shrimp, sea bass... any of it.

10. Hoarders (the tv show). People hoard adult diapers. It's so wrong. But I can't look away.

And there we go. Back to work, dear friends.

XOXO-

UB

When I'm a BILLIONAIRE...

The reason I know my husband and I are soul mates...

We were driving last night, and he said "When I'm a billionaire, I want a Manchu Wok in the basement... and a Sbarro for you."

See, we're perfect for each other!

No need to feed the hungry or clothe the poor. I do not long for diamonds or furs.

Our only desire- a mall food court just for us!

Also, I would adopt as many cats as possible from the humane society and pay for their care so that people who wanted a cat but could not afford one could have a purring angel kitty!

So that is what will happen when we are billionaires!

XOXO-
UB

Conditioner

Yesterday I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair. I failed to realize this until I was halfway through drying my hair. Because I hate being late, I decided it was better to just wear my hair in a ponytail and be on time to work than to rinse it out and start all over. Because my being at work at 8 on the dot every day is crucial to the survival of the company (not really, but I have an irrational mind).

All day I felt icky! I came so close to washing my hair in the bathroom sink at work. But not too close as it smells strongly of urine in there. Ew! My mind is not that irrational.

Anyway. I took a shower last night. Which seems like no big deal to everyone out there who is normal. I am so far from normal though, so this is a bad news for me. This means I have to take another shower tonight. Showers where you wash your hair must be 24 hours apart- no more than that or your hair will get all dry and start producing too much oil. No less or it gets too greasy. Darned if you do, darned if you don't. Eventually, I need to take a shower in the morning to get back into a normal routine. Most of you cannot understand how difficult this is or why this is a concern/problem. I wish I could explain. I just do things the way I do them. And when routines are altered, I freak. Just some routines though. I'm not completely obsessive compulsive or weird. A little touch is all.

What I'm going to have to do is get a haircut one morning. That will get me back into a normal routine because I will be forced to have my hair washed in the morning, even if I don't want to have my hair washed in the morning because it has only been 8 hours since I last washed it.

Yes, they do have doctors for people like me. Maybe one day I'll meet one =)

Insomnia

Dearest fans,

Intellectuals are often plagued by a racing mind- conjuring up the next brilliant thought typically takes time, you see. I am no different. Because I am such the intellectual. A philosopher if you will...

Since childhood, I have suffered with the inability to sleep through most nights. I wake up many nights around 1 or 2, and most of the time do not fall back to sleep until 4 or 5. It is not a fun experience. Most of the time I toss and turn, lost in thought (how to save the world, the purpose of life, the cuteness of kittens)... sometimes I snuggle in my footless sleeping bag in the den and watch t.v. Last night I decided to try something different...

I went to the guest bedroom with a book. It was cozy and relaxing. The only problem was that I read half of the book and STILL was not sleepy. I toyed with the idea of starting a new book, but decided against that idea... I instead chose to return to my bed.

Bad decision. In my bed was my husband. He sleeps through the night every night... and he has hilarious dreams (they cause him to laugh hysterically). His peacefulness causes me great anger. I want to sleep like he sleeps! Why do I have to be up all night? Do I not deserve rest just as much as he does? Maybe I do not. My job is about 1/5000th as stressful as his. Still. I WANT TO SLEEP!

Tonight I will down two Tylenol pms with a couple of glasses of wine. That should work. If not, it's okay because I'm starting The 19th Wife tonight... WHOOP WHOOP!

Happy sleeping!
XOXO-
UB

Consignment Concerns

So my closet is better. The best it has been in a long time.

I decided to be at least 80% honest with myself about the items I knew I would never wear. I ironed them all, and they are hanging in a closet ready to take to a consignment store. This was a huge undertaking, and now I'm pretty nervous. These places say that Gap and Banana Republic are not accepted, and only SOME Ann Taylor items are considered.

I just cannot believe this. Whenever I have visited these stores, it seemed like all they had was this kind of stuff, and from more than two years ago... and for too much money... and I have even spotted items from Target in these stores. So I WAS hopeful, but now I'm considering calling Hannah Home instead!

I guess if I have some company in this majorly annoying experience it will be worth it. And I need to get it over with tomorrow. No sense putting these things off any longer than necessary...

Get ready, L, to freeze your tushy off tomorrow! We're CONSIGNING!

-UB

Resolutions for 2010

1) Do all of those things I said I would do in the last post. I've already made a significant dent in a couple of them. WOO for me.

2) Watch more television.

3) Buy more stuff. I love stuff. Clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. I really need more accessories. Especially earrings. This will all hinge on the architecture business picking up. Or the husband having a totally rockin' year.

4) Set a budget. It will not apply when GAP does 40% off sale merchandise. Everyone knows I cannot resist a few new tees!!!

5) Wash my car at least once every season totaling four times this year.

6) Get more manicures.

7) Find simple black flats.

8) Get better at my Wii games.

9) Eat more vegetables and less bread.

10) Talk to a doctor about sleep meds. I'll chicken out. I just want to have one thing I do not do so I seem more human to my fans.

11) Do 100-350 crunches a day. More if I can. That sounds like a lot but maybe it's not.

12) Do 10 pushups a day. I know that's not a lot, but I'm weak.

WOW...this will be a busy and challenging year, but I feel up to it!

XOXO,
UB