Adam Lambert is SO hot right now...

I wonder if he'll be super famous...

I love him!

That's all for right now,

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

P.S... Do not google pictures of him. You'll find some things you wish you had not...

Favorite Things...YAY!

No pictures in the post because that takes entirely too much time, and I'm having a busy day. You guys should just be pleased that I posted...

Now, my favorite things as of RIGHT NOW....

1. When the bathroom at work has soap, a functioning paper towel dispenser, AND adequate amounts of toilet paper... AND clean toilet seats... AND no strange liquid on the floor. Well, that's just a fantasy really... it will never happen. But I HAVE seen real hookers, people with no shoes, a woman pumping, and homeless people in there before. So that makes things interesting. I never know what to expect.

2. Real milk or cream in coffee. That powdered stuff is repulsive.

3. GETTING EMAILS FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE! I needed to ask THE Katie Bower a question... so I emailed her... and she REPLIED! I'm so speechless... go to her fantastic blog... prepare to be inspired... she's maybe the only person in the world who is weirder than THE Undercover Blogger! http://allbowerpower.blogspot.com/

4. Fish tacos. I know I'm probably so behind on this trend... but they are all I can think about...

5. Sweet Tucker Beam. I don't know him, but I have been following his story for over a year now. He is has cancer for the THIRD time and really needs your prayers. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tuckerbeam

6. Alone time. I need approximately 4 hours of this every single day. I'm not a people person. When I DO make plans, I always have an excuse to get out of it.

7. Eating breakfast. Eating snacks. Eating lunch. Eating snacks. Eating dinner. Eating dessert. That's SIX favorites for you guys all in one! FUN!

8. RAID. I love to kill bugs. This weekend I found a mama wolf spider. I know that's not a bug.... but I saw her and like a thousand of her baby spiders crawling all over the place in the basement... so I sprayed them... the babies died immediately, but stupid MAMA ran into a BLACK WIDOW'S WEB! Black WIDOW started attacking MAMA...I watched for a few minutes, but then I felt guilty for letting nature take it's course, so I put them BOTH out of their misery with a little bug spray.

9. Going to the grocery store while I am hungry. I know they tell you not to do this, but you TOTALLY wind up with more options...

10. Sleeping through the night. This very rarely happens, but it's SO luxurious when it does.

and a bonus...

11. My Sister's Keeper- Jodi Piccoult MIGHT be the worst author ever in the history of the world, but I do love her books. I can't help it. And NOW it's being made into a movie! And not a Lifetime one... a REAL movie!

-Undercover Blogger

A Weekend with Undercover Blogger

So I have been receiving hundreds of emails from my adoring fans asking what a typical weekend with Undercover Blogger looks like...

I am always willing to oblige my fans... so... here is my weekend...

1. Friday- totally do not remember.

2. Saturdee- Undercover Blogger arises from peaceful slumber. Gets a couple of cups of coffee in her. Gets dressed. Goes to "Old Time Pottery Barn" with madre. Want to know what I got? Well, fans, I purchased a white bowl ($1), a little random thing (50 cent yo), a window cleaning thing ($1.50), and a cute little towel ($1). I was hoping to find white seat cushions and curtains.... but no luck. The lucky part came when we checked out... MADRE paid for my stuff! YA! Kewl.

Then, at my request, we head to LOWE'S. It's one of my favorite stores EVER. First of all they sell spray paint, and second of all they sell PLANTS. Container gardening is hands down Undercover Blogger's favorite hobby. Well... besides "sitting there" and "not doing a dern thing!" Anyway, my little bro joined us. Then we walked to the parking lot where I attempted to start my car.

NO SUCH LUCK.

Turns out that my spare key is actually part of some theft deterrent system that DAMAGES your FREAKING car if you use it without having all these little things tweaked or some stupid something like that. Great. Another downside of LOSING MY FREAKING KEYS.

Then we head to "Crackel Barrel" for a good COUNTRY lunch. Two fried okras, one hashbrown casserole, an order of green beans and a biscuit later... well, needless to say, this Undercover Blogger was STUFFED and ready for a nap. Only, that DID NOOOOTTTTT happen.

I head home. "Totally LUCKY Friend X" comes over and asks which PERFECT decision she should make. Also, "Totally LUCKY Friend Y" gets new furniture. Mazal tov, friends.

Then I start on some homework for some thing we have to do for work. From what I have gathered, they are trying to tell me that nothing I do is right and that I should change everything about myself. Fun.

WONDERFUL/PERFECT husband brings me wine. GRAZIE Sweet Husband!

Watch SNL season finale. To my delight, there was a NEW LAWRENCE WELK SKIT! ROTFL!!!!!

3. Sunday- Spend a delightful day with husband, grocery shop, do some more work homework, watch TAKEN, finally get around to hearing Spencer Pratt's rap song (hahahahahahaha), blog, wait for the HOUSEWIVES season finale... oh yes, and get ignored by an aardvark. Weird. You think an aardvark would be your friend, but really, fans, aardvarks are JERKS.

So there you go. I suppose I'm not as interesting as you guys thought. I'm a REAL person, just like every single one of you boring losers... er... FANS!

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Gross!

I know that I am a hero to many of you out there. Heroes should be strong and resilient.

Fans, I have to break it to you... I'm just a wuss. Not with shots and things like that, but when it comes to gross things, I'm a really big baby. I'll go over just how wussy I am right now.

1. Last week we had raw sewage leak into our office. While everyone was trying to salvage what they could, I decided I would grab some carpet samples to throw down to absorb the water so as to prevent it from travelling to the actual carpet...

I've learned from visiting the nursing home how to breathe through your mouth so you don't gag on sick and unusual smells, but for some reason I accidentally breathed through my nose and began gagging and I nearly got sick. There were live poop chunks in our break room. It's not even like your baby's poop... this was STRANGER POOP. Other people tolerated it just fine, which makes me think that they are weird because how is stranger poop not gag worthy? Okay that was just so disgusting I need to stop remembering and discussing it...

Onto...

2. Yesterday my throat hurt REALLY BAD. REALLY REALLY REALLY bad. Actually, probably just more like bad. Well I went to the doctor to get a prescription for something to make me feel better... he prescribed an antibiotic and some sort of special gargling mouth stuff to numb my throat... when I realized it would take them an hour to make it I decided to go with the pharmacy tech girl's recommendation of Cloraseptic spray instead. Cha-ching! Cheap cheap cheap solution to my problem... Well, I tried to use it... it said to pump FIVE sprays into your throat and allow it to sit there for 15 seconds. No such luck. I did ONE spray and immediately lost it (not really, just more gagging).

Next...

3. Around 8 my darling husband came home and said he would pick up dinner so I wouldn't have to cook (the truth is he just didn't like any of the things I had to cook). I asked him to see if my pharmacy of choice would be able to make that mouth gargle after all because I could NOT tolerate the spray. Well they did. And of course the pharmacist who hates me said that he was pretty sure that I would not be able to handle this stuff. Well, my fans, he was right. I was like a little child being forced to take her medicine... husband man had to stand there while I worked up the courage to use this stuff... he finally gave up...

Let me explain why it was such a struggle for me...

I started with a sniff to see what it smelled like. Robitussin. Not too bad. Then I poured it into a little measuring cup... it looked like a melted strawberry milkshake. EW! I decide to try it anyway... you're supposed to gargle it in your throat for 15 seconds and then swallow it, leaving behind a numb and happy throat. I couldn't even get it IN my throat... I THOUGHT I was gargling it, but turns out I think I was just gargling my spit. I lost it again and all of the EXPENSIVE nasty stuff went down the drain... then I had a really numb tongue. And a painfully sore throat.

Finally...

4. Powdered sugar......is......... GROSS. You just don't understand until you have had as much experience with it as I have..... the smell penetrates the nostril and lingers..... and then you dry heave throughout the day because it's just THERE and it has a WEIRD smell. OMG NEVER get into cake decorating. You'll be sooooo sorry. I'm not really sorry because I'm a pretty talented cake decorator (with some help from another blogger who is NOT undercover).

That's all. I didn't want to let you guys down, but I felt I needed to be honest with my readers about my weaknesses. I know you guys have PLENTY of them (weaknesses). Don't worry though, tips on how to be more like me are on the way!

Have a great day!

-Undercover Blogger

My Mission

Now that I have a purpose in life, I felt that I should also have a mission... The following thoughts are how I decided on said mission...

Are you poor? Well, I wouldn't consider myself destitute exactly, but I do long for things... many things... I'm a material girl (or guy).

What does not help my situation at ALL is a trip to Wal-Mart (eeeesh) or Target (yeeeessss). Not only do I want to grab everything and head to the checkout (at Target, not so much at Wal-Mart), but I also have to purchase a lot of laundry detergent (I like to wash clothes a lot). And it's expensive. IF I had been smart and had arranged to be born a long time before I was... well, my fans, I could have struck it RICH. Good smelling watered down soap is a GOLD MINE.

Now first of all, I only use Tide. Original scent. All other detergents smell great for a few days, but Tide's fresh scent (and only Original) lingers for a REALLY long time...

But the stuff is $20 for a large and awkwardly shaped container that is entirely too heavy for me to carry to my laundry area (I'm so tiny and cute). So I go for the smaller container. Obviously, they like this. I'm a marketer's dream you might say. Add a pretty lid (sparkles!) or some new colors and, my fans, UNDERCOVER BLOGGER IS SOOOLD.

Then I also fill up the cart with some new Scrubbing Bubbles toilet gel thingies and Mr. Clean Fabreeze cleaner and Clorox toilet scrubbers and various other cleaning products... Fans, I could have bought something really good. Like Target curtains. Or seat cushions. Or 50 cans of spray paint... by the end of the month, I could have purchased a new chair! But alas, my fondness for good smells always wins...

So why is detergent so expensive? HMMMM? If I was like a cop or security guard or DMV employee I do not think I could afford it... maybe that's why they never really smell very good...

Polyester + Inferior Laundry Detergent = STANK.

My mission is this, and please feel free to join my cause...

"Mission NO STANK- Getting the Underprivileged into Natural Fibers"

To join in on the good cause, please feel free to email me!

XOXO,

-Undercover Blogger

My Purpose

What is the purpose of life? We have all battled with this question. We want to know why we are here- are we a part of something bigger? Will I leave my mark on this world? Will anyone remember me in 50, 100, 500 years? Well, my fans, no longer do I battle with this question...

My purpose is clear...

I am to serve as a muse for the next great tragic author...

Let's being with a visual...

+

I pulled into the garage last night with thoughts of cookies dancing in my head. Salivating upon my arrival, I headed straight to the kitchen to find my treasured cookies covered in ants. Yes, that is correct, my cookies were devoured. By insects... Foreshadowing at it's finest my fans..."My guess is they'll be gone before the end of the night" (Undercover Blogger 5-12-2009).

The last dozen. Gone...not just gone...ANNIHILATED!

WHYYYY? WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO SUCH GOOD PEOPLE?

Never was a story of more woe

Than this of UNDERCOVER BLOGGER and her M&M cookies made with Oleo...

Until next time, my fans,

-Undercover Blogger

In remembrance of the cookies "Cooks" (A long time ago- May 12, 2009)

Mourning a loss...

It is only human... we get attached to things that will not last forever. A favorite pair of jeans that will eventually become dated and faded, a piece of costume jewelry that will break, even a favorite shade of lipstick that will one day be discontinued just because it contains a little lead or rat poo.

This Undercover Blogger is attached to a certain grocery store that will soon close it's doors... and, my fans, you cannot imagine how difficult this will be for me.

I know it sounds strange, but I grew up going to this grocery store. It feels like home to me. I know where to find every item at every single one of their locations. I have my favorite checkout peeps... and my favorite rotisserie chicken... and the store brand of 100% cranberry juice...not to mention some great memories (getting excited about a trip JUST to buy Popsicles in the summer, running for that last can of chicken broth on Thanksgiving, collecting stamps for free towels... driving all over town to get the towels...) but most of all... OOOOOOOH, most of all I will miss their delicious m&m cookies =(

I love these cookies. Sure, they taste a little like plastic. No, they are not made with wheat flour and carob chips. Yes, they are supremely unhealthy. But I love them... and always have.



Last night, with tears in my eyes, I parked my car at the store. I went straight to the little rotisserie chicken area only to find that they were no longer supplying them... so with fear in my heart, I walked quickly to the bakery area... and there they stood... glimmering in a sea of nasty peanut butter cookies and lame-o chocolate chip cookies... MY m&m cookies. I grabbed them, held them close for a moment, and then checked out with my prize. I took them home and gobbled up 6 (whoops) and my adorable husband inhaled 4. So now we're left with 12 treasured cookies. My guess is they'll be gone before the end of the night. I'll never be able to replicate the taste... and nothing, not even some eclair covered in ganache from a French patisserie, will ever take their place.



Let's not even get me started on the store I will be forced to shop in from now on. They thrive on customer service. I don't want to yuck it up with the fruit lady at 5:30. I don't want to taste the ham I have had a thousand times. And I DON'T want help out to my car (they might discover that my trunk is a storage place for clearance Depends to take to the nursing home...). I don't want to battle the after work crowds or the afternoon crowds or the Saturday morning crowds, squeezing down packed aisles...


SIIIIIIIGHHHHH........


To everything there is a season... farewell beloved cookies...

Sadly,

-Undercover Blogger

Quick Morning Thought...

Now you all know I don't like to be mean...

BUT...

When they say you shouldn't fight curl, they mean you shouldn't fight PRETTY curl. Or bouncy beach waves. Or that really frizzy tightly curled curl (the end result is almost always terrifying). They don't mean ugly curl.

FIGHT IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IN YOU.

I fight curl everyday and never have a problem. The right products and equipment help... in fact, they make it quite easy for me to have shiny and smooth hair.

Here is my tip: If you resemble a poodle that was struck by lightning and people stare at you all day or say things like "Oh...your hair is curly" or "OH...look at your hair..." purchase a flat iron PRONTO. And wake up earlier. We all have to make sacrifices to be beautiful.

Oh... and FOR THE LOVE PEOPLE, PLEASE do not use that crunchy gel. It's just weird.

Stay tuned for an afternoon post.

-Undercover Blogger

Reader Request

Before I get to blogging, I would like to apologize to all for the blog’s slow load time. All of the hits it has been getting has overwhelmed its current server, so we’re moving it to a few new ones and will have proper load balancing set up shortly. My computer guys are working on it now. Until then, do some stress relieving breathing (OOOOOMMMMMMMM), and wait for the site to load...

Over the weekend, I received MANY emails regarding topics that some of my most loyal fans would love to have me blog about.

Here is the email I have chosen for blogging purposes (some of the emails I get are just a little off the wall, so I had to choose a tame one- this IS a PG blog after all):

"Undercover Blogger,

Please blog about your favorite television shows and why you love them so much.

Thank you.

You are my hero."

-Anonymous

Well, Anonymous... here you go...

1. Gossip Girl. I love Gossip Girl for too many reasons to name. Mostly, I love a good, old-fashioned misunderstood character (a.k.a. Chuck Bass). People think he is evil and devoid of a soul. But this is simply a false assumption. Chuck Bass is a man of great complexity and no one "gets" him. Only Blair (his LOBSTER if you are familiar with Friends) can see Chuck for who he is deep down. The main reason I love G.G. is that I wish I had their clothes. Not Jenny's though...eeeeeeesh. OH AND I think the show is hilarious. And did I mention the totally hot cast???

2. Ugly Betty. This is my kind of humor. Quirky, smart, and quite dramatic for a comedy.

3. Number THREEZO is a tie. Grey's and Private Practice. Now I know a lot of you out there have decided you're too good for Grey's Anatomy... that it's sooooo over. And I also know a lot of you think Private Practice is TOO dramatic (impossible in my book). But I'll tell you the reason I love these shows. They make me cry. AND they keep me tense.

Here is a list of Honorable Mentions:

-Desperate Housewives

-Lost (before this year)

-24 (before this year)

-Saving Grace

-Law and Order:CI AND SVU

Please try to catch one or all of these shows next year as the seasons are over or will be over this week. SO SAD.

You know you love me,

Undercover Blogger

My Favorite Things

Emails are flooding my inbox... "Undercover Blogger, tell us about some of your favorite things!" "Undercover Blogger, what is it that you love?" "Undercover Blogger, tell us how we can be more like you!"


I love to give my readers what they want... my extensive fan base, after all, did get me where I am today...




1. Sparkling or Still? SPARKLING.






2. SOS Pads- these guys help me out ALL the time. I love how they restore my stove to shiny and new with just a little elbow grease and my cute pink gloves (steel wool will destroy your hands without them)!






3. Venus Disposable Razors- you cannot ask for a closer shave AND they are so gentle on sensitive skin! Combine them with Skintimate Shave Gel, and you have the perfect shave!




4. Lorac- They make the best shadows. I do not like to spend a lot of time on blending and all that mess, so I just pick a simple shimmery shade and I think I almost always look fantastic.





5. Haircuts- I go faithfully every 6-8 weeks. Luckily my natural shade is the envy of almost all, so no color is required. My stylist is amazing and can somehow cut it where my hair never has frazzled ends, so technically I could push it out another week, but I just like going. My salon is cute.






6. Speaking of blue... I'll throw in a Blue Moon... I now like to sit on my deck with DH and enjoy a refreshing drink. With an orange slice of course.





7. Cute little plants in white planters placed all over the house- I think I will try to replicate this one on Saturday...






8. HEBREW NATIONALS. These deserve an OMG. When you have a craving, just give in. No other brand will do. I like to eat three. With mustard.






9. David Gray- Who doesn't love David Gray? It's convenient that they have been playing his music with great frequency on 100.5.

10. The Real Housewives of New York City. People cannot really behave like these women. Now it's over though, so I guess I have to find some other train wreck to watch...

So there you go... a few of my favorite things.

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

LOST

Do you ever lose things? I don't. Seriously. I just DO NOT lose things...

Until last week. I woke up one morning to find my keys missing... I looked around for about 5 minutes before I decided to grab my spare, figuring I would look for them later so I could still be a little early for work (I wanted to be early so I could leave early to read my book about weird cult people... no offense if you are in a cult... I want this to be a friendly blog for all to enjoy). Well, it's been a week now...

The keys are STILL missing. My amazing car key that you stick into the dash... gone. My key to the office... gone. My key to the house... gone. My Winn Dixie Rewards Card... gone. My library card... gone. Thank goodness I have an unusual organization system and my CVS card is in my wallet...

But worst of all... and this is bad... my alarm keypad is GONE. Not only was that thing a little costly, but I am beyond paranoid that it has fallen into the hands of a cannibal or axe murderer or cult leader who can now sneak into my home and force me to wear my hair in unsightly fashions...

What's a girl to do? Any tips are unwelcome. Just find my keys for me. NOW!

I CANNOT LOOK LIKE THESE WOMEN!

-UNDERCOVER BLOGGER

The ABC's of UB

Though my true identity is wrapped in a shroud of mystery, please enjoy a few clues while reading the ABC's of me... the UNDERCOVER BLOGGER.

A - Age: 24

B - Bed size: Queen.

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the oven!!!

D - Dog's name: We do not have a pet =(

E - Essential start your day item: A long shower and no less than 3 cups of coffee...

F - Favorite color: SPRING colors... coral, green, orange, pink, yellow.... so fun!

G - Gold or Silver: Silver... candlesticks, a pretty tea service, cute mint julep cups, big silver trays...

H - Height: 5'-2"

I - Instruments you play: Sadly, none. I do, however, play several air instruments very well.

K - Kid(s): None so far!

L - Living arrangements: My husband and I live on (UN)arguably the most "unique" street in Birmingham!!!!

M - Mom's name: Mom/Diane

N - Nicknames: Undercover Blogger/ Lou

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None...thank goodness....

P - Pet Peeve: I am a pillar of patience ;)

Q - Quote from a movie: “You serious Clark?"

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: Jordan- little brother. So cute!

T - Time you wake up: 5:45-6:00 when I'm lucky. I have slept until 9:30 before.

U- Underwear: Yes. Cotton. Often times they are quite granny in nature.

V - Vegetable you dislike: Asparagus... we eat them a lot though because my husband LOVES them.

W - Workout style: NOT working out!

X - X-rays you've had: teeth/back/knee/chest

Y - Yummy food you make: Pork Chops alla Pizzaiola with cavatappi and sauteed zucchini... and of course CAKE!

Z - Zoo favorite: Snow cones, TIGERS, sea lions

Until next time...

-Undercover Blogger