A Blog Post

FANS! Long time no post, right?

Well, I thought about treating you guys to a post about Spencer. I've heard (okay... I've watched) enough about The Hills to know that Heidi is begging Spencer for a baby. My hope for the world this Christmas is that he is sterile. If he is not, I think MTV should take full credit for proving Charles Darwin's theory WRONG.




But then I realized I had not discussed my goals for 2010 with you.

SO I will discuss my goals for 2010 with my fans!

We are down to a four day work week at my place of employment. That means I have a three day weekend to complete all sorts of tasks and make my life one of supreme organization.

If you know me, you are probably laughing. But hear me out ... if I did not use this time to organize my life, I would have to workout or something dreadful.

Without further ado, I will now share with you the things I will organize on Fridays (actually...maybe Saturdays... my Fridays are booked now for about 6 weeks)!

1. My closet. Dearest me... this will take a weekend in itself. Maybe I could consign some things. Or just give them away. Maybe both. Definitely both.

2. My kitchen drawers and cabinets. Oh no... I think an anxiety attack is brewing within me. I will procrastinate on this one...

3. My toiletries. This is always WAY fun! I can use my new hydrating mask from Greece. Thanks, L for introducing me to Korres products! Fans, run out NOW and pick up this whole line. It's fab! LOVE, love, love it!

4. Paper. I am dreaming now of all the cute paper organizing products there are out there! Cute paisley printed filing folders... polka dot binders...

5. Cooking magazines. I will finally tear out every recipe I might ever consider making, cut off the scraggly edges, and put them all in their own individual page protector. OMG... the excitement is filling every part of me! This will be so faaaaaaabulous!

6. My deck. I need to clean this again. I will sweep away the leaves, clean the chairs, and fill all the pots with colorful flowers. This can be a project for a warmer month. YAY! Something else to procrastinate!

7. My fridge. It needs a new filter. I will figure that out at some point.

8. My guest bedroom. I NEED those faux silk (a.k.a. polyester) dark brown $10 panels from BB&B! And a new curtain rod. No one will know the difference. Well, besides probably everyone. But I like them. So buzz off.

AND that's about it for now. Hopefully we'll be back to a five day work week before I can THINK about tackling the basement!

Merry Christmas!
-UB

Ew

Tip: Never consume 15 macaroons in one sitting. You will feel shaky, your heart will pound through your chest, and your nausea will be overwhelming. And you will not want to stand up and get ready to go to work.


Yuck,
UB

Aw

Parties, Parties, Parties EVERYWHERE

Hi Fans! And MEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRY Christmas! I know people like posts with pics, so I put a few at the beginning to lure you guys in... anyway...

Two parties down, PLEASE GOD only one more to go!

Now let me begin by saying that my office Christmas party would not have been so painful if I had not been the unfortunate victim of an explosion. That's right, fans... UB was the victim of a true explosion of bread pudding sauce. BOILING, ON FIRE whiskey butter sauce everywhere... but even that was not so bad. You think I am not used to a few minor kitchen burns? Oh I am... kind of like L... when she burned her arm in home ec in high school baking cookies or something... then had to have her arm bandaged... then the rest of our really huge high school assumed she had tried to slit her wrist. That was very, very, VERY bad. Or the time I got braces and a friend made fun of the fact I was missing two teeth in the front and looked terrible and then I pulled her hair until she cried and fell to the floor. Actually, when I think about it, that's nothing like this... but it was scarring nonetheless.

Back to my story... after the sauce exploded everywhere, I did what I typically do when something embarrassing happens... I froze. Then, the nurse of the party came over to make sure I was free of third degree burns. Of course I was. THEN, later, someone happened to point out in front of the majority of my coworkers and their spouses that I had a burn on my face. I then had to explain (in front of the majority of my coworkers and their spouses) that there was no need to fear... it was a ZIT. Thanks Accutane. Thanks a lot. I believe I would have moved past this by now if someone had not earlier pointed out the fact that they were worried about me because I simply looked SO tired. Don't you love hearing that?!? Nothing makes you feel better than "Oh sweetheart, you look TIRED! What's going on? Are you sleeping? Are you having trouble with the hubby? You can be honest with me."

Skip ahead... I bake hundreds of cookies with my mom the next day...what a great time we were having... then... it is almost time to leave when I realize I never used the brown sugar. I said "Mom, looks like you bought a ton of brown sugar we didn't need." She reminded me that two cups of brown sugar were supposed to go into one of the cookie recipes. Of COURSE they were. Color me furious! Those freaking cookies took forever. And I left out the sugar. What a fool I am!!!

So the husband and I head out to the next party. One of his colleagues brings a date who just happens to have a boyfriend. Not weird at all for the rest of us!!! One guy thought it would be fun to mess with them... "Hey there buddy! Is this the girl you've been talking about CONSTANTLY?" It WOULD have been funny... except it was terrible. For everyone. The girl freaked, everyone stood silent... well... everyone except for me. I laughed. Because the awkwardness was so fabulous I just could NOT help myself! HAHAHA! "She just doesn't know anyone! I'm trying to help her meet people... it's not a date..." HAHA! HAHA! Watching people who deserve to be uncomfortable BE uncomfortable is one of my top ten favorite things to do.

What are some of my other favorite things to do, you ask?
Eating salty cured meats, watching t.v. shows, talking with a British accent, and playing with baby animals... among many other things...

I must attend to my household duties today. So much to do, so little time.

HASTA LA VISTA fans!
XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Am I a Scrooge?

Fans,

I beginning to feel a tinge of worry. I know I enjoy Christmas- overeating and overspending happen to be two of my best skills. I do not, however, enjoy decorating. I know other people have cute decorations and seem to enjoy it... I, on the other hand, did not so much as bring a box of ornaments up from the basement this year! It was easier to pick up a box of plastic ornaments when I was out one day. $10 to not worry with dust/unpacking/carrying things... Seems sensible to me. It looks pretty weird, but whatevs.

When I attempt psychoanalyzing myself to determine whether or not I have a problem, I realize it all goes back to Christmas as a child. I did not participate in decorating the tree even then. Some kids LOVED putting ornaments on the tree. I never thought about it... my mom would handle it all while we played...or better yet, she would handle it while we slept and everything would be pretty the next morning...or she would handle it while we were at school...

I DID always love what was under the tree! Some things never change...

Will I decorate when I have children one day? ABSOLUTELY not! What do you think my mom and friends are for? Or I guess I could just put the kids to work. That might be fun. Make them APPRECIATE the hard work that goes into it all. Brats!

Now that I've put it all out there, I'm so not a scrooge. I love to bake, shop, and eat. And I love Jesus. And family and friends. And I love their decorations! I'm just not good at decorating. Oh and I LOVE glitter. Glitter eyeshadow, glitter on cards, glitter EVERYWHERE...

XOXO & Merry Christmas,
UB

He Got a Deer

This shall be a long post, dedicated to filling you guys in on my life as of late... I know you missed me!

Fans, my husband shot a deer yesterday. Did he take it to a deer processor? No fans, he did not... he did it... himself... in a field...

I was kind of impressed... and relieved. When a catastrophic event occurs and we are forced to live off the land, not only will I have seven years of water from my mom and five years of eyeshadow that I've collected (some people's priorities are different... it doesn't make them shallow), but my husband can butcher his own kill! Which will unfortunately be the rabid squirrel/raccoon/armadillo combination of Cahaba Heights... ew... I can picture it now... "Come over friends and family for my special VERMIN STEW." At least I'll look good...

Now, I am awake and poring over recipes for "non-gamey tasting venison." I turned to my beloved Pioneer Woman... but she's worthless. Endless recipes for beef. My fave. Sadly, we do not have beef... we have deer. And a LOT of it. Just piled in my fridge. It's gross... I don't like it... but Darling Husband MURDERED it, so I have to figure out something to do with it.

Before, when forced with the task of finding ways to prepare an innocent kill, I've turned to allrecipes.com. After one terrible country tasting disaster (I think it suggested serving biscuits with it), I decided to go the Epicurious/Bon Appetit route... we'll see how it goes... they suggest marinading venison for at least 12 hours, so at least it's too late to tackle this project today!

Now, because I've made a rude comment about biscuits, I think I owe you guys an explanation. I DO NOT LIKE BISCUITS. I hate the WORD biscuit. BISSSKIT. I wish the little carb/calorie dense puffs did not bring about so much hatred in my heart... but they do. Kind of like crescent rolls. YUCK YUCK YUCK. When A or L say that they are on their way to Chick-fil-A for a BISSSKIT, I don't like them for a moment. Anger management issues? Perhaps. But I have three main reasons I do not like biscuits:
1. The way the word sounds- like a hissing SNAKE...I have already addressed this, so we'll move on...
2. They are made with shortening. Shortening reminds me of fondant. Fondant makes me cry/yell/send chills down my spine. Plus, it looks weird. It is really white and creepy and greasy OMG I HATE SHORTENING...
3. They stick to the roof of your mouth. ICK.

Carbs I LOVE- PASTA, toast, all breads besides biscuits (such as one whole baguette, just for me), potatoes sometimes, sweet potatoes, wine, juices, fruits, cookies, cakes, pies, bar cookies, those delish hazelnut chocolate things with the gold wrapper that they put at the checkout knowing that fewls like myself cannot resist... plus lots of other things. I'm not a freak/weirdo after all. Just kidding. I totally am.

Stay tuned next week for my VERY FAVORITE WEEK OF THE WHOLE FREAKING ENTIRE YEAR...

Want a sneak peak because you know I will never write about it? Okay, I will indulge you!!!! I mean this week has possibilities beyond all other weeks of the entire YEAR!

Today- stay in/clean/watch movies with Darling Husband/put my new orange rug in my kitchen/iron/grocery shop.

Monday-Wednesday- get up early, work, come home. Why only M-W, you wonder? BECAUSE DA BOSS is having our CHRISTMAS PARTY on THURSDAY NIGHT! We are having our office Christmas party on Thursday night, which means we will leave work around lunch on Thursday and have the whole day Friday to do whatever we want!

Tuesday or Wednesday- Little Bubby is coming home from Auburn for Christmas! We will do things like eat falafel, fight, go shopping, and he will do all of our home related projects that we are too dumb to do!

One other random night or Sunday- bake with A/GOSSIP/sing carols! A is as free with her unique voice as I am with mine. Duets are especially fun. We may or may not do them multiple times... This is so much better than singing with E... she would, on occasion, upstage Mariah. Not fair at all...

Friday- get up EARLY/go to mom's/drink about six thousand cups of coffee/bake ALL day/hold my big fat kitty man/cuddle with the dog! Not much else to say- this is just a fun, fun day!

Saturday- shop ALL day until we poop out with L. Why do I love shopping with L for an entire day instead of splitting it up? Because neither of us mind going from the Galleria to the Summit, back to the Galleria, to T.J.'s on 31 back to T.J.'s on 280. No one else will do this with me. We like to settle in with some nuggets or hot chocolate and enjoy the hour it takes to park!

I think there are a couple of parties stuck in there too... but I'll survive them. In flats.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FANS!!!!
-UB

My Favorite Things about FALL

1. Sweatpants

2. Fleece Pants

3. Tube Socks

4. Sweatshirts

5. Eating foods like pecan pie and casseroles and sweet potatoes and brussels sprouts and APPLE PIE!

6. It gets dark early in the evening and light early in the morning! Much better for my sleeping patterns.

7. You can use fall scented candles and plug in thingies!

8. Apples and pears are delish... AND it's almost time for CLEMENTINES!

9. You can take a warm bath!

10. There is never a shortage of decent t.v.

11. You receive loads of festive catalogs in the mail.

12. People do not wear sandals. That means you don't have to look at ugly feet!

Welcome, FALL!

-UB

UB- As Tech Savvy as a MEEMAW

Sometimes I can't believe I've let myself fall so far behind on the latest and greatest of the crazy trends...

1. Voicemail- I do not have voicemail on my home OR cell phone... given, when I did have voicemail, I would let them accumulate until I felt it was worth my time to listen to them (minimum of 6)... but now that I have my kewl tween phone that is too complicated for me to use, I just cannot figure out how to set up voicemail...
*Confession- It's nice to not have voicemail... you never have to call anyone back! "You rang? Oh, I had no idea!"

2. Texting- rarely do I text- I DID when I had a good, old fashioned flip phone that offered some measure of privacy... but now, how do you gossip about the person sitting next to you when a text just appears on your phone? RISKY, fans, VERY RISKY! Obviously someone with nothing interesting going on in their life invented the iphone.

3. Cameras... now I know these were invented quite some time ago, but I just don't keep up with mine very well. We bought this hot pink camera on a whim one day to take a picture of something... and then we lost it! OH WELLZ! We never remember to take a camera on a trip or fun adventure. I still have a good memory... I can remember what we did. Plus, when you're gallivanting around a big city, nothing screams "HEY! I'm a tourist!" quite like someone taking pictures of the naked cowboy or a mime painted silver...

4. Blu-Ray- what is this anyway? Can someone tell me? I've heard it's like a DVD player- we have one of those, but I have only used it about twice in a twelve month span of time.

5. The IPOD! I downloaded (is this the correct term?) a song from itunes for the first time a month or two ago... it was so confusing, I have yet to try again...

6. Computers- I have no idea how computers work. Thank goodness for my friends.


I would like to note that I have mastered the DVR. Couldn't live without it. If given the choice between cell phone and DVR... never to see one of the two again, I would most definitely choose DVR!

The frightening thing is, I assume there are even more recent inventions than these things... but how would I know when I'm waltzing around Sephora, lounging around the house reading a book, or cooking a fabulous meal?

Take note, fans, simplicity is the key to life. Plus I've heard all these inventions cause brain tumors.

Happy rest of the weekend!

XOXO,
UB

Halloween/My Man's Birthday!

Hi Fans.

I've been under loads of stress lately, so regrettably I have failed to blog about my feelings toward Halloween... I believe this is a good time to get it all out...

I don't know if any of you saw the story about Halloween Haters in the paper on Sunday... but I am here to inform you all that I am one of them...I HATE Halloween! There are shirts out there that proclaim "I HATE HALLOWEEN"... I don't think I care enough to go THAT far (not to mention I don't want the whole world to know what a bitter soul I am)...but the sentiment is much appreciated.

Why do I hate Halloween?... I suppose my distaste for the holiday stems from my UN FUN nature... I don't enjoy pretend/creativity/late nights/carving pumpkins/being scared/people passing out junk candy because they are too cheap to buy the chocolate/women dressing as slutty nurse/teacher/pirate/etc./sluts/children/ children coming to my door for candy causing me to pause the DVR to give them the only decent candy of the night... ETC.ETC.ETC.

It's all quite a bit of trouble...

So while I do hate Halloween for all of the traditional garbage that it entails, I love it for a very special reason...

It's the day of my kitty son's birth! That's RIGHT! Mr. Kitty (a.k.a. MAN, MIRACLE, BIG FAT MAN, ANGEL, MY MAIN MAN) was born on a day that is associated with all things SPOOKY AND EVIL! Explains so much, right? He would SO have been a vampire if he wasn't a kitty man. He loves to bite! He bite, bite, bites!

This year that BIG FAT MAN will be SIX! Can you believe it? My... how time flies...

He has been such a special addition to our family. I must confess, I abandoned him for a human man nearly three years ago. I think that makes me a terrible mother, but Mr. Kitty has more dander than 82 normal cats put together, and my human man has severe allergies to...well...almost everything, but most of all, CATS! Poor guy (I guess Mr. & the husband, but mostly MISTER KITTY)! Luckily, his grandmother spoils him rotten.

I'll do a post later in the week that discusses in further detail all of the mischievous yet precious things Mr. Kitty does...

Just look at that handsome guy!!! He's SO beautiful!!!!! This was his 2 year portrait taken when we lived in Auburn! He was a college kitty! ADORABLE!

Happy Mr. Kitty's Birthday Week! I'm getting him a Halloween costume for his birthday (Did I mention he LOVES to wear clothes?) YAY!

XOXO,

-UB

Wednesday Night- Waiting on a Chicken... and a BABY

As I sit preparing a roast chicken, I regret (or am excited) to inform you all that I inadvertently (on purpose) sent HER a message of encouragement.

But GOODNESS fans! Are we not ready for the birth story? I believe, in earnest, we ARE!

Everyone who knows what this is regarding needs to send a little note to the recklessly brave mother ... I personally await the birth with eager anticipation... as I know you do also...

Happy Birthday (I hope), Nehemiah, Amos, Ezekiel, or whatever your name shall be,
Undercover Blogger

WHEN is SHE Going to HAVE HER BABY?

HMMMMMMMM? I saw her huzby working his little grungy heart out... more like walking around, chatting with friends... busy as a little bee... while at ANY moment his bride and helpmeet could require his assistance in filling up the used inflatable pool and assist her as she is in agony for hooooooourrrrrs while he feeds her cheese, organic grapes and whatever the heck else she eats.

I don't know about you, fans, but I suspect you feel as I do...I'm READY FOR THAT BABY TO COME!!! I need a good home birth story to liven up the working day.

What do you suppose she'll call the little munchkin?
Beregond?
Aragorn?
Gretel?
Balthazar?

We stand together, fans, for the unique naming ceremony that lies ahead... right after the placental burying ceremony... or before... I suppose I should further investigate the timing of all home birthing rituals...

Happy Home Birthing,
UNDERCOVER BLOGGER

LEAST Favorite Things!

Hi ALL! I know that you all rely on me for honesty. If UB isn't truthful with you, then who is? RIGHT?

So, here we go with a few least faves:

1. Fridays. I think we should have just a 4 day work week. 5 is too much. When are we supposed to relax? I don't guess we do... When do we see our friends? A rushed lunch on Saturday? It's sad...

2. Facebook... old people have infiltrated...

3. Sports... bunches of people (including your otherwise style conscious friends) dressed in team colors for a whole season, hooting and hollering to support their teams... not to mention the hideous blow up tiger down the street... actually, scratch that. I DO like football as it makes the malls and restaurants much less crowded.

3. (Since I've decided sports are acceptable)- Being hungry. I'm so hungry. I wish I had some pie or spaghetti or something. =(

4. Roaches. I've put traps everywhere, yet I'm still using my RAID with greater frequency than I find acceptable...

5. Lady GaGa and Katy Perry- OH WAIT! JUST KIDDING! I LOVE THEM!

5. MAKING CAKES. We don't have one for like...a few weeks... but I'm already dreading it. Don't stop placing orders though, I mostly just like to complain. You would understand if you were as skilled as we are... but... YOU'RE NOT!

6. Women who don't wear makeup. It's like men who walk around with no shirt...or people who don't wear shoes... WHY?

7. Mouth breathers.

8. Humidity. My hair can turn from sleek and shining to Monica in Jamaica hair in a nanosecond...

9. THE FACT THAT IT WON'T GET COLD. I want to get some of those brooms that smell like cinnamon that they are selling at Whole Foods right now, but it just doesn't seem right when it's practically 99 degrees outside.

10. Insomnia. I know I should ask the old doc about Ambien, but some of my best thoughts come to me in the middle of the night... it's just who I am... the girl who doesn't sleep...

XOXO-
UB

To the Penny

Hello ALL...

Sometimes, fans, when you are an office manager and you are reconciling the bank account for the previous month and the bank balance just happens to work out on your first attempt at the thing, you sometimes cry a little. It is truly a moment of joy. Sometimes you are missing a few dollars. That is simply infuriating. Sometimes you're missing $15,000 or more. Then you just leave and walk around the mall for a bit. Today happens to be one of those days where it all worked. I have yet to make my journal entries for fear that something is missing, so I'll save that for the afternoon. As of this very moment, I'm rejoicing... So I should at least enjoy that feeling for a few measly hours before I am in tears again!

THE BANK ACCOUNT IS BALANCED TO THE PENNY!

Which brings me to the point of this post... what do you do with your pennies, fans?

Darling husband became upset with me last week when he discovered that I throw mine away... I don't really understand what the big deal is, but he made me feel SO guilty! I'm confused as to what good a penny does anyone...

After that, I decided I would try to use a few pennies...

I went into the wine shop, and my total was something like $12.11. I began counting the pennies, and the attendant stopped me and said "It's okay! You can keep the change." Well I told the man that wasn't necessary and handed him the eleven pennies... he handed them back to me. I was beyond upset. Eleven freaking pennies still clinking in my purse.

Now I'm just trying to get rid of them anyway I can. When I check out at the store, for example... if my total is 98.75, I hand them ten or twelve pennies and pay the remaining balance with my debit card. They don't like it, but what do I care?

By heck or high water,THIS UB will rid herself of all the pennies she possesses WITHOUT throwing them away.

Some ideas-

-Go inside Chevron and put a few in the little coin collector
-Leave a few in the vending machine for the cheapo who checks
-Toss a few on the ground outside (heads up) for a superstitious person to find
-Take them to Publix for the penny item (WHICH THEY ALWAYS FREAKING GIVE ME FOR FREE! NO PENNY REQUIRED)... I suppose I could give them to a less cute person who they make pay for the penny item...
-Coinstar? That's a lot of trouble...

Any other ideas, fans?

Have a lovely day,
Undercover Blogger

Extortion- What's the big DEAL?

So... Letterman...



Ugly, right?





Why are people SO whiny all the time? "POOR me, I've been blackmailed for $2mil because I slept with people who work for me."


I wouldn't be surprised if he set this whole little scam up himself to make people think women find him attractive. That poor extortionist probably gets like 10+ years in prison and then he'll get paid $5mil at the end of the game for helping Letterman get some publicity. That guy should have watched "LOCKUP: RAW" before he decided $5 mil was worth being forced to marry a man living as woman who calls himself Roxie.


Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is regarding bribery. In business we face many obstacles, and the good guy always finishes last. Extortion hurts no one. You shouldn't do things that would allow someone to blackmail you in the future. IDIOTS. TIT FOR TAT, DAVE.


Let's face the facts, friends, he's getting old. Old is icky unless you're rich. I'm sure Letterman makes a decent living, but he's no oil tycoon. Just a millionaire I bet. Millionaires are so 80s. You would THINK attractive women would begin to set their standards a little higher...

I mean, come ON! What a joke! WHO are the multiple women who had affairs with this man? I just can't believe it. It seems as though this is a common question that runs through my mind when something like this happens...

Let us take a look at a few other men who have been caught in such scandals...






John Edwards isn't 100% unfortunate, but doesn't he look like he could star in Three's Company? CHEESE BALL. I guess at least he was worth some moolah.









Woody Allen. Sick and creepy. I mean the fact that Diane Keaton could even act beside him after MICHAEL CORLEONE makes me want to hurl.











Bill wasn't THE ugliest human 20 years ago, but EESH! He's OLD now! YUCK!










Given, Mr. Spitzer had to pay for his pleasure... but she was PRETTY! And he is... an UGGO!

Let's not get into the wonders some Frizz Ease would do for his wife's hair... poor woman...





I know I could go on and on and on and find a few cute celebs who have had affairs, but that would make not a fun blog post.

Happy Friday!
Undercover Blogger

A Burden Lifted...

Fans, do you ever feel as though you are weighed down by 100 pounds of cement, completely unable to breathe?

I do. Or I DID... but alas, no longer am I breathing through a paper bag... I've finally placed my orders for my fall shoes! YAY!

I owe L eternal gratitude for assisting me in my choice of fall shoes. What would I do without you, L? How can you listen to me drone on and on about the different shades of brown that would work with my green sweater? Most likely you do what silly A does... put the phone down and come back later.

So without further ado, here are the choices I have made...

I bought these in the summer, but they'll count as a fall shoe...I always buy a new pair of black pumps every year...

Then, I went for the little metallic graphite leather flat...

And finally, some cute boots... thank GOD I ordered them today... I got the last 5! WHEW. I couldn't find a bigger picture...

I am so thrilled to have this behind me...

XOXO,
UB

Deeper Thinking...

Fans, I feel my posts have been quite shallow as of late, so I've decided to delve into a thought I've had for many years now...

Why do some people sit there with their mouth open, just staring ahead like a fish eyed moron? Deviated septum? Idiocy? I have no idea.

What do you guys think about this topic?

Lost in thought,
Undercover Blogger

Beauty on a BUDGET!

Fans, you're in luck. I'm here today to tell you of my favorite BEAUTY PRODUCTS as of RIGHT NOW! I believe you will find that these products are all very affordable and can be obtained quite easily from your nearest mall or drugstore!

My Corioliss Flat Iron! Of course this was a gift from my darling mother... it's pink and HOTT! She fell for the speech of the mall salesperson... and for that, fans, I am grateful! At $150 it's not THE cheapest option, but we've all tried the $40 version... let's face it... the $40 version is a disappointment...

Lancome Le Crayon Khol- I'm sitting here imagining what my life would be like if I had to use CoverGirl Eyeliner. It's too horrific a thought to imagine. Everything about this liner is perfect. PERFECT! It will put you back $23.50, but I promise it's worth it! Drugstore eyeliner is $7 or $8 anyway...

Neutrogena Lip Moisturizer- Light, flavorless, protects my sensitive lips from the sun... $3!

Johnson's Body Care 24 Hour Lotion- this smells amazing, and at $4, it's a steal!

Neutrogena Pore Refining Cleanser- I have used this product for YEARS and the dermatologist recommends it- Alpha and Beta Hydroxy acids gently exfoliate the skin... it's fabulous, especially at $8!

bareMinerals- What beauty favorites list would be complete without this? Mineral makeup has truly reinvented our outlook on beauty. I never thought it would cover well, but it does. And there is a product for any problem your skin might encounter- acne, dryness, oiliness, oldness, etc...This kit is maybe $60 or so, and after that, you only pay about $30 every few months to add to your collection. Not too shabby!

Lancome Bi-Facil Double Action Eye Makeup Remover- So gentle, so wonderful, so NECESSARY. One swipe of this product and your eyeliner and mascara are GONERS! I don't believe I've ever paid for this as it's in every free gift Lancome gives, but I think it's about $20 if you do purchase it.

Lorac Concealers- It's a pity, but I'm cursed with dark circles under my eyes. When I discovered this product in 2002, I was HOOKED. A little pot is only $15 or so and it lasts for a year, maybe more.

Paul Mitchell Hair Products- Affordable (ULTA usually has a buy two get one deal that allows you to get out of the door for around $40). Fantastic. Dependable. I know I've talked of these products before, but friends and fans, you should go out today and pick up a few. Your life will change. Your hair will shine and be at peak health. I suggest the entire line of volumizing products, the STRENGTH weekly hair treatment, and the gloss drops!

Afrin- A beauty product? Yes fans, it keeps you from being all boogery. $5.

Visine- It takes the red out! Please don't walk around with red eyes like a vampire or pothead. We know it's the ragweed, but we can't help but wonder otherwise...

$5. Truly friends, if you have spent the whole night crying over an episode of Grey's, no one will have a CLUE in the morning!

Clearasil Astringent- This smells a little funky, but I like to use it twice a day for ultra clean pores...$3+cotton balls.

Cetaphil Moisturizer- I became hooked on this stuff when I was taking Accutane (my all time favorite beauty treatment). It's gentle and comes in a variety of richness factors- ultra light all the way to DEEPLY moisturizing! $10.

Well, fans, I hate to stop there as I could continue for HOURS... but I must... I'll save the rest for another day.

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger

Bessemer

I would simply like to take a moment to express my feelings toward the city of Bessemer, Alabama. It's repulsive. Truly. I would go so far as to say I will no longer drive past the Galleria in an attempt to forget that it exists. Possibly not even to Patton Creek.

While it is full of happy memories and it WAS sad to leave, the drug dealers, prostitutes and thieves will keep me at bay.

Why do people choose to allow their homes to go to heck? Tall grass, weeds, etc... and it's not because they are busy at work. No, no sir. It's because they are busy sitting there on their front porches causing a ruckus. A 2 p.m. ruckus that requires a police visit. TWO, to be exact.

And to top it off, the charming drug addict across the alley from my grandmother's house decided to break in the little shed used to house old Christmas decorations, a bike, my grandfather's beloved tennis rackets, and the little table I so desperately needed to fit between my new white chairs and steal it ALL!

I do admire my fearless mother who simply walked across the street and demanded these items be returned. And returned they were. My mother can be...well, extremely intimidating/terrifying =)

Bessemer took up the majority of your UB's time this weekend, so I don't have much else to say.

I do have to give Aardy some credit for reminding me that Bessemer DOES have a super highway AND a Bob Sykes. Haha! Aardy is a card...

Later,
-UB


P.S. My silly home computer has a virus. BUMMER.

Shoe Problem

Fans,

I'm in a bit of a quandary.

In my utter state of despair yesterday, I thought I would just order a few pick me ups. So I did. And it did pick me up. When it came time to order my shoes from JCrew... well that, fans, is when I ran into my problem.

My $12 problem I'm calling it. Or more like my $24 problem.

I was going to order these little flats.

I kind of thought they would just go with everything. Plus there was free shipping on orders of $100. But these were only $98. So shipping was then $12 for a quarter pound of SHOES. Probably less than that even. And then taxes were $12 which is not accurate. So I didn't order them. Why, UB, did you not just find a pair of tights or a cute bangle to through in your bag, you are wondering? I was sick and not thinking clearly, that's why.

So then I decided to just order the upgrade. These flats.


But then I forgot. I was busy yesterday. And distracted by my man cold/allergies.

Now the free shipping promotion is over, so I can't even order the crackle flats. I'm just kind of against paying for shipping unless I have another promotional offer.

I logged onto Piperlime to see if there was another option. And I found these. But they are... GASP... SYNTHETIC. And $35. I know that's like a $100 price reduction, but can I do it? Can I sell my soul to the vinyl devil and live in $35 shoes for the next 4 or so months?

I suppose I'll keep looking for a bit, but I think I'll just wind up paying the BLIMEY shipping.

XOXO
-Undercover Blogger

OOPS

Turns out I don't have a cold- I am having some bad allergy problems. Or so I'm told.

I did get the cortisone shot that's supposed to make me feel better... LIES! LIES I TELL YOU!
Maybe I feel about 15% better. Of course that might be accurate because I've slept for about a total of two to three hours in the past 48/64 hours... and I'm not expecting to catch up on any missed zzzz's tonight either. So perhaps I AM feeling better... simply unaware of the improvements due to my lack of sleep.

"How dull" you are probably thinking... I shall quit bothering you with the details...

The purpose behind this midnight post: I'm here to repent.

Dearest, closest friends and fans... I went back on my word (about how I SWORE I would not think I had any severe medical issues until at least December)...

As I sat watching late night television (late for me) my feet and lower legs became numb.

I've now researched Guillain-Barre Syndrome as a result of a cortisone injection- very unlikely as they use cortisone to TREAT Guillain-Barre... but Guillain-Barre CAN be caused by a respiratory infection... I guess we will know in the morning.

If the steroids were not helping, this WebMD search SURELY has not helped soothe me into a peaceful slumber...

At the moment I'm perusing the support groups of people who have had lumbar punctures (one of the tests required for Guillain-Barre)... I DON'T WANNA!

Anyway, I suppose I'll go... some movie featuring Beyonce as a gospel singer is starting...

Sorry friends, didn't mean to stir my cyberchondria pot... but I did, and I felt guilty...

XOXO,
UB

Undercover Blogger Gets a COLD!

Hello Fans.

It's true. I have been sick. Since Friday!

This is the second time, maybe third, that I have been sick this year. I did promise a few friends that I would not think I was dying until at least December, so in the attempt to resist googling immunosuppressant diseases, I have decided to do something productive.

I will explain to you guys how I, Undercover Blogger, beat a cold. I hope this helps you one day.

1. Buy a bottle of Tylenol Cold Nighttime. Also buy a bottle of wine. Red. Drink two-three tablespoons of the cough medicine followed by two or three glasses of wine. Some will tell you that alcohol inhibits the immune system. I'm here to alert you to the falsehood of these claims. It allows you to be out for HOURS. Sleep gives your body the rest it needs to heal.

2. Make a big pot of soup. Not from a can. Have respect for your body. Nourish it for the duration of your cold with vegetable or chicken soup, spinach salads, and the rest of that bottle of wine and another one if needed. Don't forget to stay hydrated with plenty of water, herbal teas, coffee and natural juices.

3. Stay on top of your chores. Does having a cold give you the right to put off your chores for a weekend or more? No, fans, it does not. Did our mothers refuse to feed us when they were sick? Did they neglect bathing us? No. Therefore you too have the strength to stay on top of your ironing, basic cleaning, and meal preparation. The main reason behind keeping on top of the housework is this- you will be sorry when you're over your bug and have to waste your new found energy on household duties. I found my cold gave me the extra time I needed to CLR my faucet heads and demineralize my coffee maker.

4. Pamper your skin. Do you wish to heal wholly, completely? Well then, friends, you should keep on top of your appearance. It is acceptable to skip makeup application for the duration of your cold as long as you will not be seen in a public venue. It is important, however, to apply a face mask, rich body lotions, and a deep conditioner to your hair. We wish not to return to our places of employment or hobby with unbalanced skin, do we? A cold gives you the lack of smell needed to apply a good sulfur mask. I recommend this one by DDF.

5. Use your sickness as an excuse to devour an entire bag of Luden's Great Tasting Cherry Throat Lozenges. The great thing about these little goodies is that they are "medicine" and therefore do not advertise how many calories are in each serving. I find it perfectly acceptable to eat 20-30 in a day.

6. "Nap." While I did take one nap, I spent the majority of my time watching old episodes of Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, and Will and Grace... not to mention such classic movies as When Harry Met Sally, Ghost, and Dirty Dancing! Oh how I owe Lifetime for such fabulous entertainment!

And I suppose that's all I do. Good luck, cold sufferers!

XOXO,

UB

THANKS!

My most sincere gratitude is here given to JG for introducing me to Grooveshark...

As we all know, I am one of the last few beings on Earth lacking an IPOD! It's true, fans. I am afraid it would give me one less excuse for not working out, you have to pay for your songs, AND I do not listen to music in my car for I am always catching up with friends on the day's gossip!

Oh darling JG, thank you, for where else could I create a schizophrenic playlist full of The Beatles, Carrie Underwood, Pitbull, Perry Como and Jordin Sparks... for FREE???

As we speak, I sit creating a playlist titled "Relax, MAHN, it's FRIDAY!" featuring Bob Marley and The Morman Tabernacle Choir.

Would you fans like to participate? Well, by all means! Go AHEAD.... http://listen.grooveshark.com/


Happy Friday!

Undercover Blogger

Moonlighting

Dear Fans,

Your Undercover Blogger writes to you today after a long night of moonlighting... trying to make ends meet (HAHA very J-SLASH-K-ing)...

Last night was a cake night... siiiiiiighhh... it did not go so well... the most unfortunate thing occurred- I did not get so much as 5 minutes of sleep!

I jest not.

I know you fools find our creations tasty and cute, but lest you think they come easily... you should think again, friends...

Why, you would like to know?

Well, do you, while practicing your art form, feel the need to yell any of the following phrases?

- WHERE'S THE VAT OF LARD?

- (at 2 am) WHY GOD, WHY?

- GREAT! I HAVE WHITE HAND PRINTS ON MY BUTT!

Didn't think so.

Do you fans, while practicing your art form, ever dry heave into a plastic garbage bin after inhaling too much of your piece? Does the humidity of a warm September evening ruin the base of your project? Do you cry and consider calling off a friendship if it means you can simply stop working for a mere moment?

My guess is NO.

Your "art" was most likely learned in an institutional setting. We learn about our creations as we go. We FEEL the artwork. It's ALIVE for us. Did DaVinci need a teacher? Michelangelo?

Laugh if you must, but be not surprised when The Present Cake goes down in history with The Last Supper and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel...

Exhausted,

-Undercover Blogger

Undercover Blogger and Her Heart of Stone

Is now mush. Why, you ask? Because I'm having a nephew (or a niece)!!! That's right friends! L is having a baby! A REAL ONE! I will affectionately refer to him (or her) as Gerard (or Gerri). Today I think it's Gerri. It's been about 50/50.

I've always prided myself in my uncanny ability to detect subtle nuances in a preggo's behavior and thus to predict the sex of the unborn.

This pregnancy is too important to rely on my sixth sense. But this one is difficult, for L's behavior has remained largely unchanged (WHEW, we've all known THAT pregnant girl).

I have found a tinkle test for L to take to determine whether this kid is boy or a girl already! I mean I can't wait until NOVEMBER to start buying little Gerard (or Gerri) adorable little gowns and bubbles! Quality monogramming takes time, after all. I don't want to wind up with 6 Jon-Jons with Gerard written across the front if it's really a GERRI!

Anyway, L refuses to take said test. She does not believe it is trustworthy.

She trusted the PREGNANCY test though. So I don't understand.

DILEMMA! What am I to do fans? Make her an offer she can't refuse? Or wait until November when she has her US?

XO
Undercover Blogger

P.S. To all new stalkers (ahem, J)... I'm not opposed to making offers that can't be refused. Spill the beans, and you'll know what I'm talking about.

P.S.S. L just displayed her first pregnancy induced overreaction. She's bothered that I sit blogging ... at her table... on her computer... as she slaves away icing the cake (not that that's the hard part anyway)...

Guess I best get back to it... L's eating all the frosting!

Budget

Hi.

I thought you guys were my friends.

When I asked you for advice on maintaining a budget, you failed me.

L was totally useless. She's all "What's wrong with canned items?"

A is extreme. She's all "Make your money work for you!"

I finally received one response that I believe I can live with from Bloggin Sista:

Budgeting 101 for my DEAR friend, Undercover Blogger
My best tip to you, dear Undercover Blogger, is DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!When is the last time you broke the bank grocery shopping? Is not grocery shopping a necessary evil? I ask you this, dear friend; When is the last time you went to the grocery store and bought something you did not absolutely need? Wait, wait. Do not answer this question yet. First we must define a need.

Need: N. 1. Something desired, strongly desired, or wished for. 2. (needing) V. To suffer from want.Ok, now that we've decided that the operational definition of a need is quite subjective and is different for most everyone, let's define what is wished for by people who matter, and by people who do not matter.

People who matter: These people want things that improve their health, status, or appearance. i. e. New things, pretty things, things that improve status

People who do not matter: These people want (need, whatever...) things that are cheap, prevent them from starving, or aid them in things other, more fortunate folk already possess because they are more intelligent, charming, attractive, or otherwise better all around than than people who do not matter. i. e. shelter, food, water, money

Now that we've established a pattern of people who generally are of lesser status and therefore importance and people who are generally, in all arenas, better, I ask simply; Why are you worried about your spending, dear friend? Correct me if I am wrong, but does it not make you feel somewhat elite to spend $300 a week on organic, name brand groceries of which many will be tossed out before the expiration date? Do you not achieve euphoria when buying a $110 plain cotton striped tuxedo blouse from J. Crew? Do you not need multiple shoes of the same brand and model, differing only in color? Does it not pique your excitement when you buy something just because you can and others can not? Are these not necessities? Are these not things that give you great excitement and thrill? Of course they are.

The answer, of course, to all of the questions I pose is YES! Yes, sweet Undercover Blogger, you need things!!!

If Darling Husband is the problem, simply tell him what I tell my own dear spouse. "Did you enter into our vows not knowing of my idiosyncrasies and oddities? Did you not know you would need to surrender yourself to a lifetime of spending and more? Of course you did, my dear. And that is one of the many reasons you love me."Keep this in mind next time you are at Whole Foods, my dear friend. Bologna is for people who pronounce it Bolo-Na.

So, with that, I've decided I need not budget. I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

I'm outtie/ordering those cute J.Crew ballet flats...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Cereice! PUT OUT YOUR CIGGIE!

Hi fans!

I'm back from my weekend trip to Atlanta. It was definitely one of the most interesting weekends of my entire life. I took a few pictures, but I will have to add them later as I was running out the door this morning and forgot it! This will be a long post, but I promise it's worth reading...I'll put it in timeline format for your convenience...

7:30- Leave Birmingham.

10:30- Arrive in Atlanta. Check into hotel. Notice strange carpet in gold, royal blue, and red scroll pattern. Become quite anxious. See dozens of Alabama fans checking out, become less anxious. At least this hotel was acceptable for football fans- not a drug dealer in sight! WHEW!

11:00- Walk out of hotel to go to IKEA! Notice in place of Alabama fans there are dozens of drag queens checking in... Become anxious again. Not that I judge- I'm normally very intrigued by this sort of thing... just not intrigued by THESE drag queens.

11:30- Eat lunch. Drive to IKEA- realize my car is too small to fit the chairs I liked inside plus 3 peeps... stress slightly, but quickly get over it.

2:00- Arrive back at hotel. Observe a dozen or so additional drag queens. Change, shake off my nerves, and head to the RACE! THE NASCAR RACE, BABY!

2:45- Park in grass, walk around. Observe men with mullets and no shirts. Large bellies. Women with no teeth. Women in bikini tops. Men in shirts with vulgar sayings. A man in a wheelchair with a ventilator (if that doesn't show dedication, I'm not sure what does). Lots of short shorts exposing large butt cheeks. Lots of prison tats. Lots of strange and unique facial hair.

3:00- Talk to FIL who tells me the race starts at 7:30 and is so well planned that it will end at 11:52. Choke on beverage. FOUR HOURS? I assumed this was like a horse race... obviously a little longer... they would need to go around the track a few times... but FOUR HOURS?

3:02- 7:00- Continue to observe rednecks. Imagine college football game x 1000. Pretty sweet. Try to imagine what these people do for a living. I'm still coming up short. Realize that I am probably the hottest or 2nd hottest girl there. Confidence boost.

7:01- Walk into the stadium/arena/whatever it is. Take opportunity to use the restroom. Two women are ahead of me, and there are about 30 stalls open. I politely tap the woman in front of me who was enjoying her 40 (in the bathroom, ew) to alert her to the fact that she need not wait as there were open stalls. She SNAPS around and yells "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR HAPPY ASS UP THERE." Hmm... I didn't know how to react, so I just got my happy a$$ up there!

7:05- Sit down. Seat is in the front row. Things aren't looking good. I sat between husband and BIL Nick. Next to Nick was a lovely woman- Cereice. How do I know this, you ask? You are probably saying to yourself right now- "Undercover Blogger isn't friendly! Undercover Blogger would never try to make a friend unless it was absolutely necessary for survival!" Well, friends, you are right. No need for introductions at a Nascar race... Cereice was in an AIRBRUSHED t-shirt! She was sitting next to her best friend Laurie. Laurie was also outfitted in an airbrushed t-shirt! They had the Nascar racing driver people autograph them and everything! CLASSAY! WOO!

7:06- Cereice offers us cheddar cheese party mix! We politely decline. Who knows what is in that mix?

Things get a little tricky to explain by timeline for a little bit...so I'll just write this out in paragraph form...

James Dobson begins the invocation...Cereice talks on her cell... Diamond Rio sings the national anthem... Cereice continues to talk on her cell... loud/cool military jets fly over the stadium/arena thing...Cereice talks on her cell. I'll tell you guys, I've about had it with Cereice. If I was already annoyed with Cereice, it certainly did not help things when Cereice lit her first cigarrette. Then another, and another, and another. When she finished her pack, I silently said a little prayer of thanks. It had become difficult to breathe. But alas, Cereice was prepared. She pulled out another pack. She enjoyed two packs of ciggies as well as a twelve pack of beer during the race. No wonder her skin was so strange looking.

Did I mention to you guys that we were on the FRONT row? This means that as the cars WHIZ by, the rubber tires begin to shed little bits of themselves. Rubber confetti. On my clothes. In my hair. In my lungs.

I think I also forgot to mention that a Nascar race is UNBELIEVABLY LOUD! I was not prepared in the least bit. Lucky for me, a nice drunkard a few seats to my right was smitten with me. He had an extra set of foam ear plugs. He winked as he passed them to me. I should have refused for sanitary purposes alone, but it was SO loud I had to accept. My ears still hurt today, so I can only imagine what they would have felt like without the plugs. I just hope they had never been used. Anyway, whenever my husband would go to the loo, I would be stuck sitting beside this man. He would stand THISCLOSE to me. EW! Oh well, you have to surrender your pride occasionally.

Anyway, on to the next thing...

The race goes on and on and on and on... lots of other extremely interesting things happen...

Then it's over.

We run to our car. We're in by 12:15. SCORE. Only... we're wedged in. We can't move an inch. I'm starving and stinky. I pretty much don't think life could get worse.

Until... life became unbelievably amazing.

Let me set the scene.

SUV of three 20-somethings to our right. Truck with man and rough looking woman in front of us.

Three 20-somethings yell to rough looking woman- "HAY sweet THANG! Wanna beer?"
Sweet Thang- "Tradeja beer fer a cigarette."
Three 20-somethings- "You come ower here babe."
Sweet Thang heads their way... Much rubbing over each other occurs- I am preparing myself to witness something completely inappropriate. I tell Nick to avert his eyes. They begin to rub her belly button and her arms and her booty. Lovely.
Sweet Thang rubs all over RINE (Ryan)... (I've picked up on their names by this point). She compliments him on his sleeve of tattoos that were most certainly obtained in a prison environment.
Sweet Thang heads back to her truck for unknown reasons. As she walks to her truck, she flips up the back of her tank top to reveal a large tattoo. Three 20-somethings hoot and get very excited.
Sweet Thang returns and asks the Three 20-somethings if they have been "to the big house" (a question with an obvious answer). She explains that she has been in the big house for a LAWNG time... not to our surprise...

Well, this did it for RINE. He was in LOVE.

He followed Sweet Thang to her truck. Backed her up against it. "DEAR LORD, PLEASE, PLEASE NO!" I scream.

Luckily, traffic that had been at a stand still for 2 hours begins to move. Two of the Three 20-somethings begin to yell for RINE to hurry so they could leave.

And some of you say God doesn't answer prayers...

RINE got Sweet Thang's number and promised to continue things where they left off. SHUDDER.

It takes us about an hour to get back to our hotel. I've never been so relieved in all my life.

Needless to say, I will not return to a Nascar race... even if it was intriguing...


I'll try to post some pictures later in the week...

Until then...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

MY LIFE!

SO...

I haven't blogged in quite some time...

So I thought I would fill you guys in on what THE Undercover Blogger has been doing lately.

1) My brother broke his face and had to have plastic surgery to repair it. That pretty much sucked and was really scary. I pray that I never have a little athlete... I could NOT handle watching my child get hurt OVER and OVER and OVER again! I'll teach (or I'll PAY someone to teach) my sons how to play the piano. If I have sons. Piano is WAY more attractive to a girl that football. It proves dedication and commitment. I guess sports prove the same thing, but sports are dangerous and they make guys look all bulky. That's bad for their hearts. Piano nurtures the heart. Very Edward Cullen... which brings me to my next thing...

2) I've been reading New Moon and Eclipse. Is it sad that tween "literature" breaks my heart? Makes me cry? Haunts my dreams? Probably. I love it anyway.

3) COOKING. I had taken a break from cooking... but you guys all know what preservatives and additives do to this Undercover Blogger... THEY MAKE ME MAD! So I've been cooking dinner even when I am by myself. I love the whole process of shopping for healthy foods, preparing them into healthy meals, and I even love cleaning up the mess! No, this isn't helping my budget, but it IS helping my waistline. I celebrated with new jeans. Budget smudget.

4) "Observing" my arch enemy... I just go to his place of work and watch him be a freak. It's probably because he's angry about being married to a woman who doesn't go to the dentist. If you don't understand, you don't deserve to understand. LOSERS...sorry...I meant, FANS..... I simply cannot go into further detail because that would mean I was causing cyber drama. Personally, I am a fan of drama, but I will not indulge my enemies.

And that's all pretty much. My life is dull, but at least it's better than any of your lives.

XOXO,
-Undercover Blogger

Side Note

I would like to let everyone know that I'm back to wearing eyeliner.

A few of you had expressed concern over my minimal makeup... a few of you even suggested I see a doctor, for an Undercover Blogger without makeup is quite an unsettling site.

BTW, I haven't even spoken a word about the previous post to L or A. They know not what I am thinking. Now THAT is unsettling! Well, for them, not me. I looooooooove secrets.

My friends don't have to know everything about me, do they? I have to keep SOME mystery. Like... I wouldn't admit it to anyone but my fans, but I probably consumed a 850 calorie lunch... possibly even more.

If you have any suggestions for keeping my calorie intake down, please send me a note straight away.

Thanks fans,

Undercover Blogger

OMG! OMG!

I'M BEING TESTED.

THIS IS HARD.

Being good is more difficult than I had expected.

I can't help but wonder... when you say really really really nice things about a person that you don't care about either way... does that erase the rude comments you said about other people who probably deserve the things you say about them?

Wishfully wishing I hadn't wished to be nice,
Undercover Blogger

Greetings!

Hello fans...

I was completely unable to sign into Blogger for a really long time. My apologies.

Why, when you're trying to be good/pure/kind and only say nice things about people, WHY do you have to run into women knitting Rastafarian PADS? Yes, you read that correctly... PADS... in RASTAFARIAN inspired colors... outside... for ALL TO SEE.

So... do you, dearest fans, think that God is testing me? If so, I'm kind of excited. Because if that's only the first of my challenges, think of all that is to come in terms of weirdos!

I suppose I failed that challenge though... BLIMEY RASTAFARIAN PADS!

Regards,
Undercover Blogger

Help?

Friends, fans and blog creepers...

I have a confession... I can't budget. I mean I guess I CAN, but I really don't know how. I am actually blogging right now to ask for your help. Admitting to you all that I have a problem is the first step... so I'll explain a little...

We'll start off with my morning... which was a success...

1. I went to Starbucks to meet A... I resisted a skinny latte and went for a grande cup of coffee instead... WELL... since I had done so well and only spent $2 on a cup of coffee, I decided it would be acceptable to order a muffin... which brought my total to $5 something or another... could have ordered the latte after all... oh well...

2. I head to the cleaners to pick up clothes... $45 later, I am all set for pants for the week... for my husband... only... BUT they do SUCH a good job... AND they are just down the street! AND I tried one of those $2.99 cleaners once when I was trying to cool the spending... dealing with lost items and the fear I had while trying to pick up the lost items was just not worth it... AND they did not offer same day service...

3. I go to the library thinking I would check out some fun chick lit for the week... decided I would get all the books in a certain series... I had read the first one, but they only had number 3 in the series...

What do you think I did, fans? Do you think I put down numero tres in les series and helped myself to one of the other BAZILLION books in the library? NO! Of course not. I checked out #3 and headed to BAM to buy #2...and another book that looked cute... What can I say? Undercover Blogger wants what she wants...

4. I've had a long and busy day, and I just want to read #2 tomorrow. I decide to go to the grocery store so I can veg ALL day on Sunday... I purchase only enough items for my lunches, breakfasts, snacks, and ONE dinner for me and Darling Husband... the results were disappointing. I barely had ANY groceries... but somehow I spent $80.86. How?

So how do you people do it? HOW do you budget? How do you STICK to your budgets?

Please email me with helpful tips. Shopping at Wal-Mart and clipping coupons are not welcome suggestions. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. Wal-Mart is so far away, and coupons only apply to canned items and baby things.

These are my normal meals:

Breakfast: 1/4 cup of bluberries/1 container of yogurt/one slice of toast
Lunch: Lean cuisine/Kashi meal/Smartones meal (depending on what is on sale)
Snack: 1 bunch of grapes/Publix String cheese
Dinner: Boar's Head turkey or ham sandwich (common people deli meat upsets my delicate digestive system) /carrots/celery/cookieS/or a meal cooked with sale items from Publix/OR we eat out, but never anywhere that special.

I only buy the cheapest bottled water, I usually wait until I get to work to have coffee (this is not for cheap person reasons, I simply do not have time to make coffee for myself in the morning), I only buy like ONE bottle of wine per week and maybe a case of MGD 64 for my sweetie -he's trying to lose weight... we don't usually allow chips or crackers in our home...

I DOOOOOOO have to keep nice juices on hand for the hubs... and I will NOT buy juice with added sugar... so that adds up a little I guess... but who needs the extra calories?!?!

SO HELP? What do I do? Where am I going wrong? I plan my meals, I shop the circulars... I NEEDED those books... and I LIKE sitting outside at Starbucks...

Help me, fans... get me through a Saturday without decimating our checking account!

Anxiously awaiting your help,
Undercover Blogger

WHY?

I don't go to lunch. Maybe once a month with a coworker or every 3-5 months with a friend. First of all, I don't like cold or hot weather, so winter lunches and summer lunches are COMPLETELY out of the question unless you come to one of the restaurants in my building...

ALSO, I don't like having to lose my precious shaded parking spot (I have to arrive approximately 30 minutes early to get that spot).

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I am a creature of habit... once I got in the routine of never going to lunch, it made me feel "off" when I did go to lunch, so now it's been two and a half years and I'm the girl who doesn't go to lunch. I'm probably skinnier because of it, but less cool too...

So when a complete stranger (I guess not a STRANGER exactly, but I've never met this woman in my life... I've only talked to her about problems I have with her invoices... and even that I've probably only done twice) calls and asks me to lunch, I get all weirded out. First of all, I tend to avoid meeting new people because I usually don't like them. Second, I think she just wants something... new business or something, not that I have any say in that...

I was good and avoided her call for a week... but I didn't feel like I could push it much further... so I called her back. Luckily, her office closes at noon on Friday. My normal reaction would be total jealousy, but I only felt a great source of relief knowing I had put it off for another day. WHEW! THEN Monday came and she didn't return my call. CHA-CHING! Then... Tuesday came... 8:06... she calls... DARN IT MY STUPID LUCK.

We're going to lunch on Thursday... in my building (thank goodness)...

One problem... I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE WOMAN! How will I know who she is? I think she's old...

SO... what is an Undercover Blogger to do? Should I stand by the door and wait for an old woman to walk in by herself? Do I call and ask her to carry a single red rose? Hold a sign like they do at the airport with her name on it?

Why do I have to go? WHY?

-Undercover Blogger

Mini Renovation

Last week I decided to get a little CRAZY and do a 3rd of July HIDEOUS bathroom MAKEOVER...

Let me fill you in...

We moved into our home about a year and a few months ago... everything had been somewhat updated throughout the house... everything but our HIDEOUS bathroom...

I read a magazine article that explained you could make any bathroom livable... even one designed in the 60s... I thought "RRRIIIIGHT... any bathroom but mine..." I tossed it aside and didn't think much about it until the other day... the day that I decided a crowbar might make it livable... SO Darling Husband and I got to work (this is where his work ended though... he does not enjoy projects... unless they involve fish/deer/game).

Would you like to see? OF COURSE you would...

Here are some BEFORE shots...

Can I get an "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW?"

I went to work the next day with no plan in mind besides disguising the hideousness of this bathroom...A.S.A.P... Luckily, I work at a design firm... and Sweet Designer X helped pull together a plan that I could start AND complete in ONE DAY!!! WOOHOO! QUICKLY after work I drove to Home Depot/Lowe's/Homegoods/Target/T.J. Maxx to pick up all of my supplies...

The next morning I woke up (EARLY), sent DH on his way (fishing or something), and GOT TO WORK! WHOOP!

With a little (okay, quite a bit) of help from L, my mini bathroom reno was complete by the time I was ready for dinner (more of a Euro 9 p.m. dinner, but dinner nonetheless)!

Enjoy the AFTER shots... it might not inspire an OOOOH LALA in you... but hopefully at least a little ooh...

And here she is... my biggest achievement thus far in life... the light fixture L and I installed! Who needs a MAN'S help!??!?! NOT US. We are DIY GENIUSES!!!

Isn't the color combo a MAJOR improvement? If you have to have 1969 mustard tile, white and grey and silver DEFINITELY help disguise it.

Now... Give me a "HEEEEEELLLLLLZ YA!"

-Undercover Blogger

P.S. I am NOT a photog... I wish I could really convey how majorly this little project improved this bathroom...

OOOH and P.S.S..... Thanks L.....