A Blog Post

FANS! Long time no post, right?

Well, I thought about treating you guys to a post about Spencer. I've heard (okay... I've watched) enough about The Hills to know that Heidi is begging Spencer for a baby. My hope for the world this Christmas is that he is sterile. If he is not, I think MTV should take full credit for proving Charles Darwin's theory WRONG.




But then I realized I had not discussed my goals for 2010 with you.

SO I will discuss my goals for 2010 with my fans!

We are down to a four day work week at my place of employment. That means I have a three day weekend to complete all sorts of tasks and make my life one of supreme organization.

If you know me, you are probably laughing. But hear me out ... if I did not use this time to organize my life, I would have to workout or something dreadful.

Without further ado, I will now share with you the things I will organize on Fridays (actually...maybe Saturdays... my Fridays are booked now for about 6 weeks)!

1. My closet. Dearest me... this will take a weekend in itself. Maybe I could consign some things. Or just give them away. Maybe both. Definitely both.

2. My kitchen drawers and cabinets. Oh no... I think an anxiety attack is brewing within me. I will procrastinate on this one...

3. My toiletries. This is always WAY fun! I can use my new hydrating mask from Greece. Thanks, L for introducing me to Korres products! Fans, run out NOW and pick up this whole line. It's fab! LOVE, love, love it!

4. Paper. I am dreaming now of all the cute paper organizing products there are out there! Cute paisley printed filing folders... polka dot binders...

5. Cooking magazines. I will finally tear out every recipe I might ever consider making, cut off the scraggly edges, and put them all in their own individual page protector. OMG... the excitement is filling every part of me! This will be so faaaaaaabulous!

6. My deck. I need to clean this again. I will sweep away the leaves, clean the chairs, and fill all the pots with colorful flowers. This can be a project for a warmer month. YAY! Something else to procrastinate!

7. My fridge. It needs a new filter. I will figure that out at some point.

8. My guest bedroom. I NEED those faux silk (a.k.a. polyester) dark brown $10 panels from BB&B! And a new curtain rod. No one will know the difference. Well, besides probably everyone. But I like them. So buzz off.

AND that's about it for now. Hopefully we'll be back to a five day work week before I can THINK about tackling the basement!

Merry Christmas!
-UB

Ew

Tip: Never consume 15 macaroons in one sitting. You will feel shaky, your heart will pound through your chest, and your nausea will be overwhelming. And you will not want to stand up and get ready to go to work.


Yuck,
UB

Aw

Parties, Parties, Parties EVERYWHERE

Hi Fans! And MEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRY Christmas! I know people like posts with pics, so I put a few at the beginning to lure you guys in... anyway...

Two parties down, PLEASE GOD only one more to go!

Now let me begin by saying that my office Christmas party would not have been so painful if I had not been the unfortunate victim of an explosion. That's right, fans... UB was the victim of a true explosion of bread pudding sauce. BOILING, ON FIRE whiskey butter sauce everywhere... but even that was not so bad. You think I am not used to a few minor kitchen burns? Oh I am... kind of like L... when she burned her arm in home ec in high school baking cookies or something... then had to have her arm bandaged... then the rest of our really huge high school assumed she had tried to slit her wrist. That was very, very, VERY bad. Or the time I got braces and a friend made fun of the fact I was missing two teeth in the front and looked terrible and then I pulled her hair until she cried and fell to the floor. Actually, when I think about it, that's nothing like this... but it was scarring nonetheless.

Back to my story... after the sauce exploded everywhere, I did what I typically do when something embarrassing happens... I froze. Then, the nurse of the party came over to make sure I was free of third degree burns. Of course I was. THEN, later, someone happened to point out in front of the majority of my coworkers and their spouses that I had a burn on my face. I then had to explain (in front of the majority of my coworkers and their spouses) that there was no need to fear... it was a ZIT. Thanks Accutane. Thanks a lot. I believe I would have moved past this by now if someone had not earlier pointed out the fact that they were worried about me because I simply looked SO tired. Don't you love hearing that?!? Nothing makes you feel better than "Oh sweetheart, you look TIRED! What's going on? Are you sleeping? Are you having trouble with the hubby? You can be honest with me."

Skip ahead... I bake hundreds of cookies with my mom the next day...what a great time we were having... then... it is almost time to leave when I realize I never used the brown sugar. I said "Mom, looks like you bought a ton of brown sugar we didn't need." She reminded me that two cups of brown sugar were supposed to go into one of the cookie recipes. Of COURSE they were. Color me furious! Those freaking cookies took forever. And I left out the sugar. What a fool I am!!!

So the husband and I head out to the next party. One of his colleagues brings a date who just happens to have a boyfriend. Not weird at all for the rest of us!!! One guy thought it would be fun to mess with them... "Hey there buddy! Is this the girl you've been talking about CONSTANTLY?" It WOULD have been funny... except it was terrible. For everyone. The girl freaked, everyone stood silent... well... everyone except for me. I laughed. Because the awkwardness was so fabulous I just could NOT help myself! HAHAHA! "She just doesn't know anyone! I'm trying to help her meet people... it's not a date..." HAHA! HAHA! Watching people who deserve to be uncomfortable BE uncomfortable is one of my top ten favorite things to do.

What are some of my other favorite things to do, you ask?
Eating salty cured meats, watching t.v. shows, talking with a British accent, and playing with baby animals... among many other things...

I must attend to my household duties today. So much to do, so little time.

HASTA LA VISTA fans!
XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Am I a Scrooge?

Fans,

I beginning to feel a tinge of worry. I know I enjoy Christmas- overeating and overspending happen to be two of my best skills. I do not, however, enjoy decorating. I know other people have cute decorations and seem to enjoy it... I, on the other hand, did not so much as bring a box of ornaments up from the basement this year! It was easier to pick up a box of plastic ornaments when I was out one day. $10 to not worry with dust/unpacking/carrying things... Seems sensible to me. It looks pretty weird, but whatevs.

When I attempt psychoanalyzing myself to determine whether or not I have a problem, I realize it all goes back to Christmas as a child. I did not participate in decorating the tree even then. Some kids LOVED putting ornaments on the tree. I never thought about it... my mom would handle it all while we played...or better yet, she would handle it while we slept and everything would be pretty the next morning...or she would handle it while we were at school...

I DID always love what was under the tree! Some things never change...

Will I decorate when I have children one day? ABSOLUTELY not! What do you think my mom and friends are for? Or I guess I could just put the kids to work. That might be fun. Make them APPRECIATE the hard work that goes into it all. Brats!

Now that I've put it all out there, I'm so not a scrooge. I love to bake, shop, and eat. And I love Jesus. And family and friends. And I love their decorations! I'm just not good at decorating. Oh and I LOVE glitter. Glitter eyeshadow, glitter on cards, glitter EVERYWHERE...

XOXO & Merry Christmas,
UB

He Got a Deer

This shall be a long post, dedicated to filling you guys in on my life as of late... I know you missed me!

Fans, my husband shot a deer yesterday. Did he take it to a deer processor? No fans, he did not... he did it... himself... in a field...

I was kind of impressed... and relieved. When a catastrophic event occurs and we are forced to live off the land, not only will I have seven years of water from my mom and five years of eyeshadow that I've collected (some people's priorities are different... it doesn't make them shallow), but my husband can butcher his own kill! Which will unfortunately be the rabid squirrel/raccoon/armadillo combination of Cahaba Heights... ew... I can picture it now... "Come over friends and family for my special VERMIN STEW." At least I'll look good...

Now, I am awake and poring over recipes for "non-gamey tasting venison." I turned to my beloved Pioneer Woman... but she's worthless. Endless recipes for beef. My fave. Sadly, we do not have beef... we have deer. And a LOT of it. Just piled in my fridge. It's gross... I don't like it... but Darling Husband MURDERED it, so I have to figure out something to do with it.

Before, when forced with the task of finding ways to prepare an innocent kill, I've turned to allrecipes.com. After one terrible country tasting disaster (I think it suggested serving biscuits with it), I decided to go the Epicurious/Bon Appetit route... we'll see how it goes... they suggest marinading venison for at least 12 hours, so at least it's too late to tackle this project today!

Now, because I've made a rude comment about biscuits, I think I owe you guys an explanation. I DO NOT LIKE BISCUITS. I hate the WORD biscuit. BISSSKIT. I wish the little carb/calorie dense puffs did not bring about so much hatred in my heart... but they do. Kind of like crescent rolls. YUCK YUCK YUCK. When A or L say that they are on their way to Chick-fil-A for a BISSSKIT, I don't like them for a moment. Anger management issues? Perhaps. But I have three main reasons I do not like biscuits:
1. The way the word sounds- like a hissing SNAKE...I have already addressed this, so we'll move on...
2. They are made with shortening. Shortening reminds me of fondant. Fondant makes me cry/yell/send chills down my spine. Plus, it looks weird. It is really white and creepy and greasy OMG I HATE SHORTENING...
3. They stick to the roof of your mouth. ICK.

Carbs I LOVE- PASTA, toast, all breads besides biscuits (such as one whole baguette, just for me), potatoes sometimes, sweet potatoes, wine, juices, fruits, cookies, cakes, pies, bar cookies, those delish hazelnut chocolate things with the gold wrapper that they put at the checkout knowing that fewls like myself cannot resist... plus lots of other things. I'm not a freak/weirdo after all. Just kidding. I totally am.

Stay tuned next week for my VERY FAVORITE WEEK OF THE WHOLE FREAKING ENTIRE YEAR...

Want a sneak peak because you know I will never write about it? Okay, I will indulge you!!!! I mean this week has possibilities beyond all other weeks of the entire YEAR!

Today- stay in/clean/watch movies with Darling Husband/put my new orange rug in my kitchen/iron/grocery shop.

Monday-Wednesday- get up early, work, come home. Why only M-W, you wonder? BECAUSE DA BOSS is having our CHRISTMAS PARTY on THURSDAY NIGHT! We are having our office Christmas party on Thursday night, which means we will leave work around lunch on Thursday and have the whole day Friday to do whatever we want!

Tuesday or Wednesday- Little Bubby is coming home from Auburn for Christmas! We will do things like eat falafel, fight, go shopping, and he will do all of our home related projects that we are too dumb to do!

One other random night or Sunday- bake with A/GOSSIP/sing carols! A is as free with her unique voice as I am with mine. Duets are especially fun. We may or may not do them multiple times... This is so much better than singing with E... she would, on occasion, upstage Mariah. Not fair at all...

Friday- get up EARLY/go to mom's/drink about six thousand cups of coffee/bake ALL day/hold my big fat kitty man/cuddle with the dog! Not much else to say- this is just a fun, fun day!

Saturday- shop ALL day until we poop out with L. Why do I love shopping with L for an entire day instead of splitting it up? Because neither of us mind going from the Galleria to the Summit, back to the Galleria, to T.J.'s on 31 back to T.J.'s on 280. No one else will do this with me. We like to settle in with some nuggets or hot chocolate and enjoy the hour it takes to park!

I think there are a couple of parties stuck in there too... but I'll survive them. In flats.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FANS!!!!
-UB