Hello

This was posted on a blog this weekend...

"Spotted: Undercover Blogger out and about, looking fabulous, and ignoring her fans."

Sorry fans, I'll post soon. A good post too... A LEAST FAVORITE THINGS POST!

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

Swimmin' Suits

Hello fans.

My #1 Fan will not let me forget about my promise to post my feelings about swimsuits. So, for devoted fan, and all of my other fans, here you go...

I'll start with children. This is very simple. Parents out there... the SURE FIRE WAY to turn your daughter into a little redneck is to dress her in a bikini when she is like 4. I mean... people... really? Do you want a little Britney Spears? Do you want your child to be wearing a thong when she is 7? Tube tops... ever? Didn't think so. So DO NOT... UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES... EVER DRESS YOUR LITTLE GIRL IN A BIKINI. Stick to one piece frilly numbers.

Little boys are easy. We can skip them. They just wear their precious little trunks and run around like crazy.

Men... wear a shirt. Please. I don't care if it's hot. You're probably NOT hot, so let's keep a shirt on... unless you get in the water... then it's okay... but only in the water. You do not need to tan... who sees your bare chest? If people do see your bare chest, you're probably a redneck.

*FYI* If this is feeling a little overwhelming to you, you probably are a redneck.

Now... on to the most controversial... women...

Ladies... PAY ATTENTION HERE...I'll even number these for easy reading/copy and pasting for you to take to your next swimsuit fitting.

1. No two piece numbers after you have children. That's easy. I think you all can handle that. It's pretty obvious... at least I hope...
2. No two piece numbers if you are thinking of having children (it's just considerate to your future children).
3. No two piece numbers that are not covered by a cute little dress.
4. No one piece numbers that are not covered by a cute little dress.
5. No one or two piece numbers or any of those barely there/cutout one piece numbers if you plan on walking around. Wear a cute little dress.

I hope that you guys understand what I'm saying here... PLEASE WEAR SOMETHING OVER YOUR SUIT...

Let's face a fact here girls... we all have cellulite. Does that mean we should just embrace it and try to feel comfortable with our bodies? NO. NO WE MOST CERTAINLY SHOULD NOT! PLEASE COVER IT UP.

You're probably wondering what I say about going for a dip in the pool to cool off... I say DON'T DO IT. I don't do it. I simply drink a cool bottle of water and stay hydrated.

If you want to get in the ocean or the lake, go ahead. You'll probably die of some amoeba that swims in your ear, grows into your brain, and then explodes anyway, so just go about your business however you see fit.

So there we go. If you have any questions, you probably don't deserve an answer.

Happy summer!

Undercover Blogger

OMG! Could anything BE more disgusting?

Fans,

As many of you know, I scavenge for coins. I use the coins to purchase peanut m&ms from the mail room in the afternoon.

My husband told me to stop because HE needs coins for drinks...

At first I was upset... THEN... I realized that it was time for me to boycott m&ms.

Why, fans? Well, that's because m&ms now come in a flavor that I would equate to PUKE or POOP CHUNKS in the break room...

STRAWBERRY PEANUT BUTTER.

GROSS! EWW! SICK!!!!!

Remember the painter lady who fixed my wall and ate a WHOLE JAR of peanut butter a day causing SERIOUS septic tank issues here at Casa de Undercover Blogger? Well, needless to say, I have not eaten peanut butter since then (and I probably NEVER will).

Mix peanut butter with imitation strawberry flavoring in a crunchy candy coated shell... could anything BE more disgusting?

Well, fans, I think I have sufficiently ruined your Saturday. Which is FINE BY ME because again, if you were not convinced that the universe hated me before, you DEFINITELY can be convinced today (haircut and blow dry during a STORM? WHY ME?).

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger

First Ants... Then Pizza...

So... we've already established the fact that the universe hates me...

BUT... just in case you fans were wondering if lady luck was on my side this week... well... SHE'S NOT.

My husband does not like pizza, so we NEVER get to eat it. Maybe twice a year if I BEG and cry... my loving friends know this about him, so sometimes I get a slice with them...

Much to my surprise, Darling Husband asked if I would like pizza for dinner on Tuesday night...of course I said YES... with tears in my eyes (happy tears). I ate the leftovers for lunch yesterday...

THEN... I come to work... and we're getting pizza for lunch. WHY? Why couldn't we have pizza for lunch at work in a month or two? Even I don't love pizza THAT much... BUT it would be rude to eat my SmartOnes Chicken Enchilada Suiza meal in the middle of a pizza meeting...

STUPID LADY LUCK... I BLAME YOUUUUU FOR MY "UNDERBUTT."

Whatever,

Undercover Blogger

Be back later to discuss swimsuits, redneck children, and SNAPPER!

No Bloggo

So... in case you haven't noticed... I haven't blogged lately. I want to apologize, but honestly I've been too busy working and being sick. SOOO let's hope I FINALLY get better (although it definitely could be worse...) AND that work slows a little. But then I'm going to the beach this weekend and will not return until Thursday... so MAYBE then. But I doubt it because I'll have to catch up on work.

I have a headache.

BUT... you know you STILL love me even though I've ignored you fools!!!!

XOXO,

Undercover Blogger