Stupid Earth

STUPID WATER BOTTLES WITH LESS PLASTIC! I CAN'T OPEN THEM WITHOUT WATER SPILLING EVERYWHERE AND MAKING ME COLD! I LOVED THE EARTH UNTIL PEOPLE WANTED TO SAVE IT BY USING LESS PLASTIC.

Now, I will move to Mars where I belong. WITH THE MARTIANS!

XOXO
UB

Not Feeling It

I wish I could go home right now and take a nap. Then I would like to eat a delicious lunch. THEN I would like an afternoon cocktail. THEN I would read and take a second nap.

I wish I would find a million dollars on the ground so I could make that my daily routine!

Life is unfair,
UB

Arguing

I love arguing. Do I care if I'm right or wrong? No.

And here is a story for you, fans.

Back in the 4th grade, I decided to throw the science experiment we were all required to do. We were supposed to put chicken bones in vinegar, and a few days later we would see that the bones were extra bendy. I didn't want bendy bones, so I decided to put the bones in vinegar the day before the project was due instead of a week before, just so I could say it didn't work. The teacher was baffled. What an idiot. A 4th grader outsmarted a 30 year old. Dimwit.

Let's figure this out, fans. Why do I like to argue? Because it's fun. Because it gets my blood pumping. BECAUSE IT MAKES PEOPLE TURN RED! But I like it most when people argue back.

But what I like most most in this world fans- the Zaxby's grilled cheese basket that L so lovingly introduced me too. Nothing is better than that freaking basket.

-UB

Saving the WORLD

So there is a girl at work fans, and she wants to save the world. Noble indeed. Lofty, but noble.

It had me thinking- what can I do to make an impact on the world? As we all know, I do not enjoy leaving the comfort of my own home- volunteering is kind of out for me. But not really. You just start by asking yourself what it is you love. And what do I love? Food. But HELLZ no way am I serving food at a homeless people shelter. You all know how I am about smells (the hospital like food and people who don't shower every morning).

Here are my ideas so far-
Get a little brother or sister or however that works and teach him/her how to cook. BUT I'm not too fond of children.

Host a bake sale for kids with cancer (kids with cancer really upset me- and that takes a lot these days for reasons I shall not write about)- YUM, but people are cheap and won't buy stuff, but maybe they would.

Anyway, that's not a lot of ideas, but it's something for the 5 minutes of thinking I've done.

Maybe this coworker of mine can change the world by inspiring others to change the world.

But chances are I'll choose to sit on my couch and give my money to a charity instead. They can do with it what they please. And I can just eat a lot of food.

If anyone has a great idea involving food and non-stinky people, LET ME KNOW!

All my love fans,
UB

A Post Without the Word Douche- Just for L!

I am still on my quest to get an iphone. It's an annoying quest. I tried going to the At&t store the other day and talking to this guy from high school. He pretended not to remember me, but I know he did. I mean...come on...LOOK AT ME! And in high school I was tanner and cuter. Now I'm being ravaged by age. Wrinkles are forming, fans.

Anyway, that brings me to my post- the 10% tax in this health care law for tanning. I don't think this is right. If we tax tanning beds, why shouldn't we just tax God for creating the sun? I could just as easily bake in the sun all day with baby oil. Or we could tax people for using hair dye- they say the dark colors cause cancer. Or grills- charred meat has carcinogens. Liquid smoke that you add to your foods too. Next, someone will suggest we get a tax credit for eating pomegranates and blueberries. And dark chocolate, but not milk chocolate because the health benefits of dark chocolate are good/milk chocolate bad. I would throw them for a loop and introduce a swirly combo of milk and dark chocolate. Would that even it out and be tax neutral under this supposed plan I've created? This does get very complicated and involved, so perhaps we would create more jobs. People who analyze every product on the market (I'm stating these things mostly to annoy sweet JH)...

On to my next point... WHY IS AT&T SO STUPID? THEY ARE. I want to upgrade my service to a more expensive phone with a more expensive plan, yet they refuse to let me. WHY? I'm already the last person on EARTH to have a cool phone. Why must I suffer like this?

My life is full of suffering, fans.

First, I can't get an iphone. Second, I have a breakout around my mouth. What if people think I have mouth herpes?

LIFE IS UNFAIR, yet again. At least I found really cute shoes in my size (never happens) at Macy's this weekend. SEXXIII.

XOXO-
UB

Thoughts

Sometimes I really just do NOT care for people, fans.



I've always loved Hebrews 13:2 "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."



I much prefer to keep people at that level though, because frequently people just suck. They do little things to annoy the heck out of me. Once someone rubs me the wrong way, they will never be on my good side again. Be warned. I'm mean if I need to be mean.



So be nice to a stranger today. And don't try to make friends. Just do nice things. It's fun to be nice to strangers. I remember once my mom was in a store, and the lady checking her out liked her bracelet, so my mom just took it off and gave it to her! I'm not usually that nice, but people enjoy it when you treat them as though they exist. However, if a person is obviously a douche, just ignore them.



Those are my tips for this Tuesday, the Sixteenth of March in the Two Thousand and Tenth Year of Our Lord.



XOXO!

UB

Heart Ball- The Aftermath and Other Current UB Events

Fans,

You should have seen me at the ball. I am not exaggerating. I was definitely one of the most attractive people there. Thanks mostly in part to L for finding my dress and my mommy for altering it! And my good genes (besides my under eye circles). I have no pictures though. You do not take pictures at a formal event unless you want to look like a douche with no life.

Anyway, my next crazy wild event is tonight. My huzb is outtie again, so I get to catch up on Gossip Girl and take loads of over the counter sleeping pills (like 2, I don't want anyone to worry). Should be a good night.

THEN! I have no more events for a long time. Unless I have some next week. WHEW! Life is good.

Have a great day fans!
UB

It's a BOY!

For A, that is! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!! Now I will have good practice with a girl AND a boy before I have a baby myself!

I had already planned A's entire nursery around the fact that she would have a boy. So whew. This little guy better have dark hair! I think A wants white hair like her hubby's was, but guys... seriously... if you had ever seen the picture of A's niece... you would hope too that he had the black crazy hair! So cute! The baby will definitely have chubby cheeks. AND he will like to mountain bike and hike! AND he'll be tall! I just know he'll be tall. How hilarious would it be if he was taller than M?!?!?!?!?! Impossible. I bet he's born 50 inches long.

Anyway! WOOHOO!

XOXO,
UB