My #1 Fan will not let me forget about my promise to post my feelings about swimsuits. So, for devoted fan, and all of my other fans, here you go...
I'll start with children. This is very simple. Parents out there... the SURE FIRE WAY to turn your daughter into a little redneck is to dress her in a bikini when she is like 4. I mean... people... really? Do you want a little Britney Spears? Do you want your child to be wearing a thong when she is 7? Tube tops... ever? Didn't think so. So DO NOT... UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES... EVER DRESS YOUR LITTLE GIRL IN A BIKINI. Stick to one piece frilly numbers.
Little boys are easy. We can skip them. They just wear their precious little trunks and run around like crazy.
Men... wear a shirt. Please. I don't care if it's hot. You're probably NOT hot, so let's keep a shirt on... unless you get in the water... then it's okay... but only in the water. You do not need to tan... who sees your bare chest? If people do see your bare chest, you're probably a redneck.
*FYI* If this is feeling a little overwhelming to you, you probably are a redneck.
Now... on to the most controversial... women...
Ladies... PAY ATTENTION HERE...I'll even number these for easy reading/copy and pasting for you to take to your next swimsuit fitting.
- No two piece numbers after you have children. That's easy. I think you all can handle that. It's pretty obvious... at least I hope...
- No two piece numbers if you are thinking of having children (it's just considerate to your future children).
- No two piece numbers that are not covered by a cute little dress.
- No one piece numbers that are not covered by a cute little dress.
- No one or two piece numbers or any of those barely there/cutout one piece numbers if you plan on walking around. Wear a cute little dress.
I hope that you guys understand what I'm saying here... PLEASE WEAR SOMETHING OVER YOUR SUIT...
Let's face a fact here girls... we all have cellulite. Does that mean we should just embrace it and try to feel comfortable with our bodies? NO. NO WE MOST CERTAINLY SHOULD NOT! PLEASE COVER IT UP.
You're probably wondering what I say about going for a dip in the pool to cool off... I say DON'T DO IT. I don't do it. I simply drink a cool bottle of water and stay hydrated.
If you want to get in the ocean or the lake, go ahead. You'll probably die of some amoeba that swims in your ear, grows into your brain, and then explodes anyway, so just go about your business however you see fit.
So there we go. If you have any questions, you probably don't deserve an answer.
Happy summer!
Undercover Blogger
