Cereice! PUT OUT YOUR CIGGIE!

Hi fans!

I'm back from my weekend trip to Atlanta. It was definitely one of the most interesting weekends of my entire life. I took a few pictures, but I will have to add them later as I was running out the door this morning and forgot it! This will be a long post, but I promise it's worth reading...I'll put it in timeline format for your convenience...

7:30- Leave Birmingham.

10:30- Arrive in Atlanta. Check into hotel. Notice strange carpet in gold, royal blue, and red scroll pattern. Become quite anxious. See dozens of Alabama fans checking out, become less anxious. At least this hotel was acceptable for football fans- not a drug dealer in sight! WHEW!

11:00- Walk out of hotel to go to IKEA! Notice in place of Alabama fans there are dozens of drag queens checking in... Become anxious again. Not that I judge- I'm normally very intrigued by this sort of thing... just not intrigued by THESE drag queens.

11:30- Eat lunch. Drive to IKEA- realize my car is too small to fit the chairs I liked inside plus 3 peeps... stress slightly, but quickly get over it.

2:00- Arrive back at hotel. Observe a dozen or so additional drag queens. Change, shake off my nerves, and head to the RACE! THE NASCAR RACE, BABY!

2:45- Park in grass, walk around. Observe men with mullets and no shirts. Large bellies. Women with no teeth. Women in bikini tops. Men in shirts with vulgar sayings. A man in a wheelchair with a ventilator (if that doesn't show dedication, I'm not sure what does). Lots of short shorts exposing large butt cheeks. Lots of prison tats. Lots of strange and unique facial hair.

3:00- Talk to FIL who tells me the race starts at 7:30 and is so well planned that it will end at 11:52. Choke on beverage. FOUR HOURS? I assumed this was like a horse race... obviously a little longer... they would need to go around the track a few times... but FOUR HOURS?

3:02- 7:00- Continue to observe rednecks. Imagine college football game x 1000. Pretty sweet. Try to imagine what these people do for a living. I'm still coming up short. Realize that I am probably the hottest or 2nd hottest girl there. Confidence boost.

7:01- Walk into the stadium/arena/whatever it is. Take opportunity to use the restroom. Two women are ahead of me, and there are about 30 stalls open. I politely tap the woman in front of me who was enjoying her 40 (in the bathroom, ew) to alert her to the fact that she need not wait as there were open stalls. She SNAPS around and yells "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR HAPPY ASS UP THERE." Hmm... I didn't know how to react, so I just got my happy a$$ up there!

7:05- Sit down. Seat is in the front row. Things aren't looking good. I sat between husband and BIL Nick. Next to Nick was a lovely woman- Cereice. How do I know this, you ask? You are probably saying to yourself right now- "Undercover Blogger isn't friendly! Undercover Blogger would never try to make a friend unless it was absolutely necessary for survival!" Well, friends, you are right. No need for introductions at a Nascar race... Cereice was in an AIRBRUSHED t-shirt! She was sitting next to her best friend Laurie. Laurie was also outfitted in an airbrushed t-shirt! They had the Nascar racing driver people autograph them and everything! CLASSAY! WOO!

7:06- Cereice offers us cheddar cheese party mix! We politely decline. Who knows what is in that mix?

Things get a little tricky to explain by timeline for a little bit...so I'll just write this out in paragraph form...

James Dobson begins the invocation...Cereice talks on her cell... Diamond Rio sings the national anthem... Cereice continues to talk on her cell... loud/cool military jets fly over the stadium/arena thing...Cereice talks on her cell. I'll tell you guys, I've about had it with Cereice. If I was already annoyed with Cereice, it certainly did not help things when Cereice lit her first cigarrette. Then another, and another, and another. When she finished her pack, I silently said a little prayer of thanks. It had become difficult to breathe. But alas, Cereice was prepared. She pulled out another pack. She enjoyed two packs of ciggies as well as a twelve pack of beer during the race. No wonder her skin was so strange looking.

Did I mention to you guys that we were on the FRONT row? This means that as the cars WHIZ by, the rubber tires begin to shed little bits of themselves. Rubber confetti. On my clothes. In my hair. In my lungs.

I think I also forgot to mention that a Nascar race is UNBELIEVABLY LOUD! I was not prepared in the least bit. Lucky for me, a nice drunkard a few seats to my right was smitten with me. He had an extra set of foam ear plugs. He winked as he passed them to me. I should have refused for sanitary purposes alone, but it was SO loud I had to accept. My ears still hurt today, so I can only imagine what they would have felt like without the plugs. I just hope they had never been used. Anyway, whenever my husband would go to the loo, I would be stuck sitting beside this man. He would stand THISCLOSE to me. EW! Oh well, you have to surrender your pride occasionally.

Anyway, on to the next thing...

The race goes on and on and on and on... lots of other extremely interesting things happen...

Then it's over.

We run to our car. We're in by 12:15. SCORE. Only... we're wedged in. We can't move an inch. I'm starving and stinky. I pretty much don't think life could get worse.

Until... life became unbelievably amazing.

Let me set the scene.

SUV of three 20-somethings to our right. Truck with man and rough looking woman in front of us.

Three 20-somethings yell to rough looking woman- "HAY sweet THANG! Wanna beer?"
Sweet Thang- "Tradeja beer fer a cigarette."
Three 20-somethings- "You come ower here babe."
Sweet Thang heads their way... Much rubbing over each other occurs- I am preparing myself to witness something completely inappropriate. I tell Nick to avert his eyes. They begin to rub her belly button and her arms and her booty. Lovely.
Sweet Thang rubs all over RINE (Ryan)... (I've picked up on their names by this point). She compliments him on his sleeve of tattoos that were most certainly obtained in a prison environment.
Sweet Thang heads back to her truck for unknown reasons. As she walks to her truck, she flips up the back of her tank top to reveal a large tattoo. Three 20-somethings hoot and get very excited.
Sweet Thang returns and asks the Three 20-somethings if they have been "to the big house" (a question with an obvious answer). She explains that she has been in the big house for a LAWNG time... not to our surprise...

Well, this did it for RINE. He was in LOVE.

He followed Sweet Thang to her truck. Backed her up against it. "DEAR LORD, PLEASE, PLEASE NO!" I scream.

Luckily, traffic that had been at a stand still for 2 hours begins to move. Two of the Three 20-somethings begin to yell for RINE to hurry so they could leave.

And some of you say God doesn't answer prayers...

RINE got Sweet Thang's number and promised to continue things where they left off. SHUDDER.

It takes us about an hour to get back to our hotel. I've never been so relieved in all my life.

Needless to say, I will not return to a Nascar race... even if it was intriguing...


I'll try to post some pictures later in the week...

Until then...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger