Budget

Hi.

I thought you guys were my friends.

When I asked you for advice on maintaining a budget, you failed me.

L was totally useless. She's all "What's wrong with canned items?"

A is extreme. She's all "Make your money work for you!"

I finally received one response that I believe I can live with from Bloggin Sista:

Budgeting 101 for my DEAR friend, Undercover Blogger
My best tip to you, dear Undercover Blogger, is DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!When is the last time you broke the bank grocery shopping? Is not grocery shopping a necessary evil? I ask you this, dear friend; When is the last time you went to the grocery store and bought something you did not absolutely need? Wait, wait. Do not answer this question yet. First we must define a need.

Need: N. 1. Something desired, strongly desired, or wished for. 2. (needing) V. To suffer from want.Ok, now that we've decided that the operational definition of a need is quite subjective and is different for most everyone, let's define what is wished for by people who matter, and by people who do not matter.

People who matter: These people want things that improve their health, status, or appearance. i. e. New things, pretty things, things that improve status

People who do not matter: These people want (need, whatever...) things that are cheap, prevent them from starving, or aid them in things other, more fortunate folk already possess because they are more intelligent, charming, attractive, or otherwise better all around than than people who do not matter. i. e. shelter, food, water, money

Now that we've established a pattern of people who generally are of lesser status and therefore importance and people who are generally, in all arenas, better, I ask simply; Why are you worried about your spending, dear friend? Correct me if I am wrong, but does it not make you feel somewhat elite to spend $300 a week on organic, name brand groceries of which many will be tossed out before the expiration date? Do you not achieve euphoria when buying a $110 plain cotton striped tuxedo blouse from J. Crew? Do you not need multiple shoes of the same brand and model, differing only in color? Does it not pique your excitement when you buy something just because you can and others can not? Are these not necessities? Are these not things that give you great excitement and thrill? Of course they are.

The answer, of course, to all of the questions I pose is YES! Yes, sweet Undercover Blogger, you need things!!!

If Darling Husband is the problem, simply tell him what I tell my own dear spouse. "Did you enter into our vows not knowing of my idiosyncrasies and oddities? Did you not know you would need to surrender yourself to a lifetime of spending and more? Of course you did, my dear. And that is one of the many reasons you love me."Keep this in mind next time you are at Whole Foods, my dear friend. Bologna is for people who pronounce it Bolo-Na.

So, with that, I've decided I need not budget. I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

I'm outtie/ordering those cute J.Crew ballet flats...

XOXO,
Undercover Blogger